The Asdas Muffin Scandal

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My consumer crusade continues:

Dear The Asdas,

There has been something of a mystery within your Warrington Cockhedge superstore and it’s pricing policy vis a vis “muffins”.

Myself, my colleagues and myself have recently been taking advantage of, what we can only describe as, the bragain price of £1 (sterling) for 4 of your delicious muffins.

Consider our surprise when on Monday of this week, we discovered that the said muffin-packs were now subject of a “roll-back” offer to the less-than-bargain price of £1.40. Indeed, the offer suggested that the original price was £1.58! What manner of wizardry is this, I hear you cry?

To add literal insult to metaphysical injury, today (Thursday), just three days after the roll-back “offer” had been introduced, we discover that the said “offer” had been removed. £1.58 for 4 muffins? Are we suddenly living in some kind of dystopian future?

Is there an explanation for this seeming skullduggery? I’m a loyal and proud customer of The Asdas and cannot bear for my shopping experience to be tarnished thusly.

Yours sincerely,

Steven “Asda” Price.

I’m sure you will agree that this is quite the serious matter.  I received the following reply from an Asda representative:

Hello Steven,

Thanks for your email about the muffins which you have been looking to purchase from our Warrington store.

I am sorry to learn of your disappointment as you have found the price of the muffins to have varied so much recently. We are committed towards offering the lowest possible prices, so we would not want to create any confusion to you or your colleagues.

We work hard to keep offering the cheapest prices for the best products. Occasionally, a product price may increase substantially. This happens when the supplier costs have increased and when we are no longer able to maintain the original price of the product. When this happens we look to introduce a ‘Rollback’ to prevent the price impacting our customers too much. This will explain why the price was quickly reduced to £1.40.

‘Rollback’ offers are not permanent and may end at any time. I agree three days is a very short amount of time to have a promotional offer. However, our Buying Team are working hard to reduce the price at the next opportunity. I am confident you will be happy with any future price changes.

We would not want your shopping experience to be tarnished, so I hope my explanation has clarified this matter for you. We do value your loyal custom, and we would still like to welcome you back into the store again. Whilst I appreciate this would have been a disappointing experience for you, I hope my response has gone someway towards restoring your faith in Asda.

Once again, thank you for contacting Asda. If there is anything else I can do to help, please let me know.

Kind regards

***** *******

Hmmmm.  I don’t find this a satisfactory explanation in the slightest.  Despite the representative’s best efforts, there seems to be no acknowledgement of the original £1 pricing.  It’s a good job for The Asdas that my love is deep or we could be looking at a very messy (metaphorical) divorce.  I would reply to the e-mail to demand further information, but it states:

Please do not reply to this email. This is not a monitored inbox and you may not receive a reply.

Like yesterday’s issues with Carphone Warehouse, companies now seem determined to make it difficult to achieve satisfaction.  How long before the people of Britain rise up against this slack tyranny?

I give it 3 days max.

 

Charity Shop Fashion 9

Last week, St Helens’ Cancer Research shop fired a shot across the bows of charity shop fashion.  How would the leading light of the field, Warrington’s British Heart Foundation shop, respond?  Well, they would respond with this:

BOOOOOOOOM! You sunk my battleship!! Consider the fashion cannon fired and the battle won.  Who could compete with such an achingly-erotic outfit that is not only silver but contains two – yes, two – different types of animal print.  My penile tumescence knows no limit in the face of such an outfit.  Well played, BHF.  Well played, indeed.

 

Charity Shop Fashion 7

Today’s photos are marred by an unseasonal amount of glare.  I hope that this doesn’t spoil your enjoyment of the fashion gems.  Inevitably, these outfits were spotted in Warrington’s British Heart Foundation shop.

 

Glitter! Blue glitter!! Sadly, this photo doesn’t convey just how glittery this dress is, but, believe me, it’s a glitter-fest.  Why not pop on this little number if you want to look like a cross between a 1920s’ flapper and a 1980s’ high class hooker.

The BHF’s obsession with fur coats is a warning to all fashion-lovers out there.  A fur coat with nothing underneath is clearly going to be a key trend for Autumn\Winter 2011.   Please take note of the obscene amount of cleavage required to achieve this unique look.

 

Charity Shop Fashion 6

Another day, another stunning outfit from Warrington’s British Heart Foundation boutique:

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Is it a dress? Is it an elaborate hankie? Is it something knocked together by a student for a sixth form fashion show? I guess we’ll never know. Such are the mysteries of high fashion.

Charity Shop Fashion 5

It must be said that Warrington’s British Heart Foundation shop is rapidly becoming a mecca for fashionistas around the globe.  Take a look at today’s stunning concoction:

The year is 1988.  Your name is Melanie Griffith, and you’re starring in hit movie Working Girl.  But, shit! You’ve got to upstage Sigourney Weaver’s Machiavellian character at some fancy shindig; what on earth are you going to wear? Don’t worry, Mel, just get yourself to the BHF shop in 2011! You’re sorted.

What’s that?  You need an outfit for Harrison Ford’s character, too?  What about the classic Dad-look of short-sleeved, blue shirt with jeans?

No, no problem, Mel.  It was my pleasure.

 

Charity Shop Fashion 2

There’s a couple of wonderful outfits today in Warrington’s prestigious British Heart Foundation shop.  Here they are:

Do you like the film Pretty Woman?  Do you want to feel like a prostitute who scrubs up well and is able to mock the sales assistants in a swanky boutique? Of course you do, you’re only human.  Well, this is the dress for you.  It screams “class”, “elegance” and “yes, I accept cash for sex, but there’s a chance that I’ll fall in love with you if you’re rich and good looking enough.”

With its crazy print, and sporting the classic “knotted and frayed” straps, this dress is ideal for any lady who wants to look funky whilst clubbing in the town’s nightspots.  You’ll be looking so funky that you’ll be sad inside that both Mr Smith’s and the Mississippi Showboat are no longer open for you to strut your funky stuff in.  Did I mention that you’d look funky?

The look is completely with an elasticated belt.  Perfect for cutting your gut in two.  Tres chic, mademoiselle!

 

Charity Shop Fashion 1

One of my greatest joys in life is seeing the mannequins in charity shops decked out in the latest fashions.  So, welcome to an exciting new feature based on charity shop fashion called Charity Shop Fashion.  Take a look at this dazzling outfit spotted at The British Heart Foundation shop in Warrington:

The floral swimsuit is perfectly complemented by the stonewashed, fluted denim mini-skirt.  The look is completed with an asynchronous chunky necklace.   This outfit is perfect for business meetings with angry bee-keepers, but is dressy enough to wear on a first date with a plumber.

 

Sunny

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It’s warm today. Everybody is out. As you can see in the photo. I’m sat in Piccadilly Gardens, Manchester. I’m able to blog through the power of iPad + wifi hotspot generated on mobile phone. The ground is pretty damp and is ever so slightly seeping into the arse of my jeans. I don’t care, I’m British. This is what we do.

I can’t see any fellas with their tops off, so I can tell I’m not in Warrington. I know I’m not in Warrington, anyway. I got the train from Warrington to Manchester this morning, so it’s pretty obvious.

It’s a nice way to spend my dinner hour, despite the damp buttocks. The gigantic blue Primark sign looks down on me, beckoning me in to buy cheap clothes. Maybe some more £1 sunglasses. You can never have enough.

I’ll resist. I’m dying for a drink, so I’m off to get one. See you in a bit.

How Did You Get Here?

Francis Rossi on stage with Quo at the Colston...

Image via Wikipedia

One of the great features of having a WordPress blog is that it tells you what people searched for in order to end up on your site.  I’m going to take a look at some of my favourite search terms from over the years.  They’re very intriguing.

francis rossi traitor:

Post this search leads toFrancis Rossi – Traitor?

What’s the post about – The confusion and hurt felt by the members of the PTC (Pony Tail Club) when Mr Rossi snipped his PT off.

Reason why I like it – Because someone searched for Francis Rossi being a traitor.  It’s quite funny, isn’t it?

cheeky chappy shaun costello:

Post this search leads to - Wall of Wonder

What’s the post about - A photo of all the stuff I had stuck on the wall next to my desk in work.  This is accompanied by a key explaining what all the items are.

Reason why I like it - I love this post because it’s a reminder of the wonderful wall I had and all the hilarious things that I stuck on it.  It’s one of my favourite posts of all time.  Also, I love the fact that someone actually searched for the phrase “cheeky chappy shaun costello” as it’s so unlikely.  To be honest, it’s so unlikely that it was probably me that searched for it and I’ve forgotten.

chilli & cranberry hair gel:

Post this search leads to - Blumen’ Marvellous

What’s the post about - An incredibly clever satire on a Heston Blumenthal type meal as created by infamous Warringtonian Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow.

Reason why I like it - I made up chilli & cranberry hair gel as a wacky non-existent product, and yet someone wants to use it for real.

100 good reasons why to pour stuff on somebody:

Post this search leads to - ?

What’s the post about - I think it just leads to my home page or something.

Reason why I like it - Why is this person looking for reasons to pour stuff on somebody? Why are they so vague about what it is that they want to pour down somebody?  It’s all a little bit sinister.  Are they trying to justify a fetish to a partner?  Why do they need 100 reasons? Wouldn’t a few be sufficient? I’m very intrigued.

the pompidou centre – functionalist dreamscape or postmodern eyesore?:

Post this search leads to - n\a

What’s the post about - I think it was something I said on Twitter, which temporarily shows up on my blog.

Reason why I like it - It’s a quote from Paul Calf’s Video Diary.  I’m in no way taking credit for it.  It’s just one of my favourite programmes ever and it’s nice to be associated with it, even in the loosest and most plagiaristic of ways.

lady sovereign extra teeth:

Post this search leads to - Home page

What’s the post about - Weirdly, if you search for this phrase in google, my home page is the first result. Since I haven’t mentioned Lady Sovereign since she appeared in Celebrity Big Brother I don’t understand how this can be.  Also, if you search for the phrase within the blog, then it returns no results. Weird.

Reason why I like it - Haha, she’s got extra teeth, innit?

“i love chips”:

Post this search leads to - MBM – Chips

What’s the post about - It’s a milk bottle with a label on it which reads: “I love chips.”

Reason why I like it - I just really, really love chips.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

“gravy loving fundamentalists”:

Post this search leads to - Holy Gravy?

What’s the post about - When I transferred PSGOM from Blogger to WordPress, the redirection didn’t work properly and you ended up on some weird Bible site.

Reason why I like it - Who could fail to be charmed by the idea of a group of religious zealots who just love gravy?

in the world war 1 did people pour gravy down their legs?:

Post this search leads to -?

What’s the post about - ?

Reason why I like it - Well, it’s easy to understand where this question was coming from.  For the record (if you’re the person who asked this question), during World War 2 there were shortages of stockings, so women would rub gravy browning on their legs to give the appearance of hosiery.  What they didn’t do was get a gravy boat, full of the delicious brown stuff, and pour it wholesale all over themselves.  You’re an inadvertent pervert.

Gig 5: Comedy Night @ The Lounge, Warrington – 21st June 2011

You may remember that gig number 4 – just over a week ago – didn’t go too well, but that I was quite philosophical about it all. Well, rest assured that as gig number 5 rapidly approached, I soon lost any sense of perspective and panic well and truly set in.  There is a saying that you’re only as good as your last gig, and, you know, I knew where it was coming from.

I felt that the main thing that went wrong with gig 4 was that as I was unprepared I didn’t perform it as I should have.  I was determined to make sure I was well practiced this time, as this had worked out so well for gig 2.   This set was going to be largely based on gig 2, with a few tweaks from the failure of gig 4 and a couple of new bits thrown in.  I also found out a few days beforehand that this would be an 8-minute spot, so I had to cut some stuff out and ensure that I had the running order down pat.  One consequence of the abundance of rehearsal – coupled with my now fragile confidence – was that I became so familiar with the material that I was struggling to work out if any of it was remotely funny. Luckily I managed to persevere and got through to the other side.

By the time of the gig, I was a bit of a wreck. I had a couple of last practices on my drive into Warrington and messed quite a few bits up, even though I knew it like the back of my hand. I tried to keep it going in my head, but I had the fear that I was going to forget it all.  Oooh, what’s going to happen?

Don’t worry, it was fine.  I was first on in the second half of the show and somehow I ended up being well up for it despite the nerves.  Once I was on stage then all the practice kicked in and I was able to perform the set just how I wanted to.   I got a decent amount of laughs, without blowing them away, but I was really pleased with how it went.  Importantly, I really enjoyed myself.  The new bit that I tried – which intentionally didn’t contain a joke – didn’t entirely fail, so that was an interesting experiment.

Interestingly, The Lounge was the first open-mic night that I ever went to, just over a year ago.  I wrote about it, here.  In the post, I wrote:

Somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, a thought has always lingered that I’d probably be pretty good at stand up if I ever gave it a go.  Of course, I’ve never actually acted on that thought because it would be far too scary and I was all too aware that I was probably wrong.

Well, it is scary, but it’s a year on and I’ve given it a go.  Bully for me.

 

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