Two Weeks of Sherby57: 18th July – 31st July 2010

Like a teenage badger who thinks he’s hard because he’s got a flick-comb, I return to entertain you with romcoms, nonsense and tales of derring do.  Sit back, relax and enjoy the last two weeks of The World of Sherby57.

Sunday 18th

Doppelganger! – A Tale of Adventure – A thrilling story from olden times (era not specified), when a woman meets her doppelgänger and almost nothing else of interest happens.

Monday 19th

Gravy Wars – Another chance to listen to my podcast in which we learn of Hulk Hogan’s significance in ending the second world war.

Tuesday 20th

Cyril’s Day Out – Another micro-literary fiction classic about a man on a day-trip to Llandudno.

Wednesday 21st

INPUT REQUIRED (Widnes Supercomputer) – The blog temporarily ran a live webchat with Widnes’s first supercomputer.  Read this post to find out what happened.

Thursday 22nd

Perception – A Story –  It may be set in a crazy future in which people live in pods, but don’t be fooled.  This is as romantic a romcom as you’re likely to read.  Unless you’re in the future and I’ve already written a more romantic one.

Sunday 25th

Wool Shop Songs – A story from my youth about singing for buttons.

Monday 26th

Mastersherby57 on TV – Another roundup of the week’s TV.  This edition features: The Erotic Bin Men of Old London Town, Ken Bobbins is Interesting and Jacques Villeneuve’s Barmy Army.

Tuesday 27th

A Man Sat in a Box – Some nonsense about boxes.

Wednesday 28th

Listen – Wah, wah wah.  Do you want to know a secret?

Thursday 29th

Joe’s Diner – A Story – Wow, another romantic romcom of the highest calibre (my opinion).  You’re all so lucky to have me.

Friday 30th

My Prophetic Dream –  My first Plinky attempt on TWoS57.  It’s quite a lame joke.

Saturday 31st

My Neighbours – A Poem – Another Plinky post.  It’s rubbish, but I felt compelled to finish it.

Fighting Evil With Corn Flakes: The Sherby57 Story – Yet more Plinky madness, but this time I like it.  It’s the first chapter of Sherby57′s memoirs and it’s very moving.  If any publishers are reading, then I’m happy to complete this whole book for a modest advance.

Two Weeks of Sherby57: 20th June – 3rd July 2010

“Bang bang,” went the thing that went bang.  It was a bang that had banged like no other bang.  In that instant, Clive knew that it was time to give up the pork pies.

Hello and welcome to another edition of this bloody thing.  Here are the posts that appeared on The World Of Sherby57 in the past couple of weeks.

Monday 21st

Being Back – My Song – As I hadn’t blogged for 5 days, I decided to write a song to reflect my feelings on returning to blogland.  It’s just the words, so you’ll have to imagine the music.  It’s like a mix between “The Cat Crept In” by Mud and Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, if that helps.

Tuesday 22nd

Two Men of Potentially Differing Sizes – One man is big and the other is small. Or are they?  Read this post for a powerful lesson in the power of perception.

Wednesday 23rd

The Man Who Sold The World – A thrilling anecdote about when I sold the planet to some dodgy aliens.

Thursday 24th

Secret Location – Can anybody guess where I was when I wrote this post?  In many ways it doesn’t matter, cos I can’t tell you anyway.  It’s a secret.

Saturday 26th

Big Sherby57 on TVer – Check out my reviews of some of the hottest shows on the box, including a reality TV show about prostitution, a game show involving pumpkins and a harrowing documentary about a weird cat.

Monday 28th

Possibly Some News – This may or may not have happened.  Whatever it was.

Tuesday 29th

The Band – A Story – A hilarious story based on a bit of ropey word play.

Wednesday 30th

Five Reasons To Love Bobby Davro –  It’s been pointed out that I’m a bit obsessed with Mr Davro.  This post attempts to explain why.

Thursday 1st

Hey, You Smell – A Story – Love can blossom in the most unusual of places, even in a perfume shop.

Negative Energy Vampire?

When I was getting changed in the gym this morning (yes, I’m still going), I had the misfortune of watching some of The Jeremy Kyle Show.  I’m not entirely sure why this was on in the male changing rooms instead of the obligatory Sky Sports News, but it was.  And it was frightful.

I know that I’m not being particularly topical or original by having a pop at Jezza’s circus.  Charlie Brooker’s You Have Been Watching pretty much destroyed it just a few weeks ago.  What I will say is that it’s one of those programmes that everyone makes fun of (ha ha, let’s laugh at the chavs), but it’s only when you stop and pay attention to it that you realise how unspeakably awful it really is.

Predecessors of Kyle, such as the archetypal Jerry Springer show, had the same basic format of winding up rednecks and watching them go.  What makes JK so insidious is his blatant baiting of society’s most vulnerable, which he does in a patronising, borderline sociopathic way.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that I was watching a straight-to-video sci-fi movie about an alien who can only survive by feeding off the negative emotions of others and has found his perfect home as the host of a day-time ITV talk show.  I was expecting him to reveal his true face at any moment, before a plucky band of survivors managed to finish him off using the only thing known to harm him: kindness.

It’s all too easy to feel smug and superior about the people that Jezza humilates, but don’t forget that they are actual, real human beings (unless they’re all fake).  Since the programme’s producers have a duty  of care to their guests, I propose the following pyschological test.  If you feel that appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show is the appropriate way of dealing with sensitive personal problems, then you should instantly banned from appearing.

Jamie Oliver\Sid James

Jamie Oliver is wearing his Sid James hat and sunglasses again. There’s really no call for it. He’s just got cuttlefish ink everywhere. He’s such a buffoon. He’s also the chef that is most pleased with his own work. Has he ever cooked a dish without saying “I’m really proud of that” afterwards? No, I didn’t think so.

I can’t really moan too much because, at the end of the day, I am sat here watching his stupid programme. If I slag him off too much then I’ll just make myself look an idiot. And he’s not that bad, is he? He bangs lemons about before squeezing them, and that’s not to be sniffed at.

Ah. This is what my Wednesday nights have come to. Lay on the sofa, watching Jamie Oliver and writing a blog post about it. I’m writing it on my phone because I’m too tired to move. Won’t somebody come and make me a brew? It’s quite inhumane how I’m being treated.

I’ve just had a text message from JLS that said: “Spaghetti and shells – how on earth do you eat that! Im watching jamie by the way!” He’s 100% right. What a completely mental meal. You can’t eat such a thing. It’s totally impossible. The fool.

Anyway, I’m off. The Halifax FM advert has just been on and it’s made me want to kill myself. I’m going to have to make myself a brew instead. Thanks for nothing.

A Week of Sherby57: 11th Apr – 17th Apr 2010

Lovely posts, lovely man.  Enjoy:

Sunday 11th

The Book of The Blog – Have I mentioned that I’ve released a book version of The World of Sherby57 called The Best of The World of Sherby57: Volume 1?  Oh, I’ve mentioned it several times, have I?  Well forgive me, your Lordship.  Anyway, this is another post advertising my wonderful book.

Monday 12th

Sherby57’s Mind Expanders – 1 – There’s a lot of flabby minds these days, so I thought I’d have a crack at getting your thoughts in shape.  This is a very tricky brainteaser, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it straight away.  The solution will be published this week.

Tuesday 13th

Hunting Turnips – A Poem – It’s a poem about how it feels to hunt turnips for fun.  Admit it, we’ve all done it.

Wednesday 14th

Doctor Sherby57 on TV – A round up of the week’s TV, including: a St Helens-based sci-fi drama, a wig-based game show and a documentary about toes.

Thursday 15th

Leo and Linda’s Lion Luxury – A Story – Yet more bonkers romance.  It really is my forte.  This week sees two mis-matched people find love in the beautiful city of Wolfsteinsten.

Saturday 17th

The Sherby57 Exercise Plan – My new fitness regime has worked wonders for me and it seems only fair that I share my secrets with you.  Get prepared to buy a whole new wardrobe.

A Week of Sherby57: 4th Apr – 10th Apr

It’s another week’s posts from the blog that has a book.  Did I mention that there was a book of The World of Sherby57?  Oh, I did.  Never mind, I just thought I’d check.

Sunday 4th

Post From The Past – April 2009 – It’s the final part of the story of why I went missing for three months.  It wouldn’t take a genius to work out that I was totally bored of doing it by this stage.

Monday 5th

Angry Table: The Musical – A Poem – A poem about the perils of writing a musical about an angry table.  No, I don’t know where it came from either.

Tuesday 6th

Easter Gravy – Yet another fabulous episode of The Gravy Boat Podcast.  This one features a ‘bible story’.  There is a chance that I made it up.

Wednesday 7th

Sherby57 on TV on Ice – A quick look at the week’s TV, featuring the hit drama, Tweet Town Blue.  If you like textspeak then this is for you.

Thursday 8th

The Man Done Some Stuff 3: Man in New York – The return of the world’s most romantically comedic series of romcoms.  This time the man is a different man, but the original man is still in it.  I know that sounds a bit confusing but it will all make sense if you just read it.  It’s also set in New York so it’s very cosmopolitan.

Friday 9th

Visit Wolfsteinsten – If you’re thinking about getting away for the weekend then I suggest you give this post a read.  Wolfsteinsten is a little known destination, but it’s well worth a visit.

Saturday 10th

Martha’s Bangers – A Story – The week ends with a beautiful romance story of the highest order.  And it’s set in a truck stop.  What more could you ask for?  Look out for a special guest appearance by Geoffrey Dunstable.  Yes, THAT Geoffrey Dunstable.

Stuff I Watched: 30th Dec 2009 – 4th Jan 2010

It’s the first Stuff I Watched of 2010 and the pickings are depressingly slim.  Aren’t they supposed to put on better television over the festive period?

The Day of the Triffids: BBC HD (Recorded 29th Dec Watched 30th Jan)

I thought I’d wait until this second part before I commented.  I wish I hadn’t bothered.  After barely managing to make it through the first part, I gave up on the concluding episode after 20 minutes.  When you consider that I gave up after already having invested 110 minutes of my precious time, it just shows how much of a stinker it was.

They’d managed to put together quite an impressive cast, but in every other respect it was totally lame.  I’d try and go into the specifics of what was wrong with it, but I’ve already wasted too much of my time.

Perhaps plants just don’t make scary villains.

2009 Unwrapped with Miranda Hart: BBC2 (R 30th Dec W 30th Dec)

Out of nowhere came this supremely silly look back at some made up bits of 2009.  I only spotted that it was on at the last minute, which seems about typical for the funniest programme of the festive period.

It was a spoof clips show which purported to review the year.  It featured talking heads from the likes of Stephen K Amos, Isy Suttie, Ed Byrne and The Bannatyne (Duncan).  Some of the highlights were the Britain’s Got Talent penis dancer, Piers Morgan interviewing Piers Morgan, dumbed down Mastermind and Adam Buxton’s ‘Alone in the Shed’.

I’m just baffled as to why it was hidden away when there’s been so much dross on in the last few weeks.

Doctor Who: BBC HD (R 1st Jan W 1st Jan)

Well, following a somewhat ambivalent review of the first part of The End of Time, I only have one question regarding the conclusion: what the hell was all that about?  Especially the Millennium Falcon homage.  And the cactus aliens.

The first half of the episode concluded the weak storyline and the climax, with The Doctor shooting the machine, was so obvious that it was insulting to even its youngest viewers.  The second half was just an excuse for Russell T Davies to take a nostalgic, but nonsensical, look back at his time with DW.

Gripes aside, David Tennant and Bernard Cribbins gave powerfully emotional performances which just about saved the tenth doctor’s final appearance.

An Englishman in New York: ITV1 (R 28th Dec – 4th Jan)

I was so shocked to be watching a drama on ITV that I barely noticed that it wasn’t all that great.  It’s taken them 30 years to make a follow up to The Naked Civil Servant, but it sadly didn’t live up to its predecessor.  John Hurt slipped back into the role of Quentin Crisp like a pair of old slippers, but, ultimately, not enough happened in his latter years to spin into a 90 minute drama.

Stuff I Watched: 24th Dec – 27th Dec 2009

Welcome to a vaguely festive edition of Stuff I Watched.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: iTunes (Downloaded 24th Dec Watched 24th Dec)

As some of you will already know, Sky Plus cocked up the recording of the final episode of Curb for everybody.  This is the second time that I’ve had to download it this season.  More4 then repeated the episode in the late night Sunday slot, which is usually for older episodes.  Somebody needs to get their act together.

Anyway, this episode’s big selling point was the footage from the ‘Seinfeld reunion show’.  As a non-Seinfeld fan, that all kind of passed me by a little bit, bit luckily there was plenty of hilarity besides.   Highlights included the picking apart of the phrase ’having said that’ and my new instant catchphrase, ‘Do you respect wood?’

This was possibly the last ever installment of Curb, and, given their amazing chemistry, let’s hope that Larry and Jerry work together again soon.

Frost/Nixon: Sky Anytime (W 24th Dec)

This is something of a rarity for me: an English language film.  It felt strangely like an high-quality TV drama as opposed to a feature film, but it was fascinating, compelling and had a good sense of humour.  Frank Langella’s portrayal of Nixon came across as human rather than as a panto villain, and Michael Sheen excelled, as always, as Frost.

Given his current reputation (as a result of the Nixon interviews), it’s fascinating to see how much of a joke Frost was to other journalists and how close he came to being overrun by Nixon.

Doctor Who: BBC HD (R 25th Dec W 25th Dec)

This penultimate episode for Russell T Davies summed up my feelings for his entire run:  I enjoy the uniquely British take on sci-fi, but I’m never entirely convinced.  Most of the hour plodded along and was a little bit annoying, but they managed to turn it round with an exciting cliffhanger.

The reason that I’m really writing this is to make a plea to new showrunner, Steven Moffat:  please tone down the incidental music, it makes me want to smash stuff.

Victoria Wood’s Midlife Christmas: BBC HD (R 24th Dec W 27th Dec)

Victoria Wood was apparently unhappy that this show had been shifted from the prime Christmas day slot.  After watching it, it’s hardly surprising that it was moved; it was one of the most disappointing programmes of the year.  Of course there was the occasional funny moment, and Julie Walters was as hilarious as ever, but it was all a little bit weak.  There were only about 3 or 4 recurring sketches throughout the whole show and they didn’t contain enough ideas to sustain an hour’s comedy.

The worst crime of all was the complete absence of her regular cast.  Where on earth were they?

Top Gear: BBC HD (R 27th Dec W 27th Dec)

When this current series of Top Gear started I said that it was the programme that elicited the most conflicting emotions in me.  This episode, the ‘Bolivia special’, summed this sentiment up perfectly.  It’s a bizarre concoction that combines self-indulgent tedium and fakery with breathtaking scenery and adventure.  The horrors of the death road was the scariest thing I’ve seen on TV, even withstanding the obviously staged section in which Clarkson nearly fell off a cliff.

It has many faults, but no other programme comes close to replicating the bits that it does well.  Overall, the programme seems to be running out of steam, they should probably just stick to doing occasional specials.

Stuff I Watched: 16th Dec – 23rd Dec 2009

I don’t know whether I’ve not watched much telly this week or I’ve just watched stuff that I don’t want to write about.  Either way, welcome to the most half-hearted edition of Stuff I Watched to date.

In The Loop: DVD (Watched 16th Dec)

The film version of The Thick of It is very much like a film version of The Thick of It.  It’s essentially just an extended episode with some of the characters slightly different, but this is certainly not a bad thing.  It’s very clever and brilliantly funny, just like the TV show.  Annoyingly, the DVD broke after about an hour so I don’t know how it ended.  Fingers crossed that it’s on the BBC soon.

Misfits: E4 (R 17th Dec W 19th Dec)

A cracking ended to what has turned out to be an excellent little series.  Annoying Nathan finally does something good (but stays annoying) and he dies for his troubles.  Sort of.

I’m glad to say that it’s got a second series.

Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe Review of 2009: BBC4 (R 22nd Dec W 22nd Dec)

If you like television and didn’t watch this, then you don’t like television.  And you’re probably dead.

Charlie Brooker is probably the closest thing I have to a hero.  It’s strange that one of the best programmes of the year is one that just talks about other programmes.  Absolutely awesome.  I could watch Screenwipe over and over again.  And I often do.

I realise that this is really brief, but it’s Christmas Eve and I’m very sleepy.  If you’d like to chat about any of the programmes, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you when I can face writing more than two sentences.

The X Factor Graph

Those of you who have been reading my weekly X Factor updates will have noticed my ‘X Factor Ratios’ – which aren’t actually a ratio as much as they are a percentage.  This figure represents the length of time that it took me to watch the programme based on the total running time.  For example, if the running time of the show was 2 hours, and I watched in in 1 hour, then the X Factor Ratio would be 50%.

Way back in week 1 of the competition I threatened to do a graphs of all these ratios when the competition was finished.  Well, here it is:

Click graph to enlarge.

So, what can we learn from the graph? I think it’s mainly that I don’t watch very much of it.  The highest figure for any show was 50%, for Week 1 Saturday.  It certainly helped me to stick with the show to be able to fast forward through much of it.

It’s also telling that the ratio is significantly lower for every Sunday show compared to Saturday.  It’s really stretching it to have the results on a different night.

Anyway, I could probably do some more analysis, but I can’t be bothered.


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