Sisqo started the day by doing some crazy dance in the garden.  It would not be enough to save him from eviction.

Stephanie got a bit upset in the diary room as the thought of not having the bible (assuming that Stephen was evicted) would be genuinely depressing.  She did know that it was a bit of a strange thing to say.  Stephen thought that she was being touched by the holy spirit.  I suspect that in a house where you have nothing to do any book would seem holy.

Dane and Stephanie made up a song that they could harmonise to.  I had a fear that it would be stuck in my head all day, but, luckily, it’s already vanished.  The housemates then made up another song that Alex sang along to in the bath.  Hilarious.

The housemates were given a task to make some flat pack furniture.  As Jonas has an unfair advantage (being Swedish), his job was to sabotage the task and make sure that one of the items didn’t get made.  Cue the obligatory comedy montage.  They failed, so they passed.

Dane and Vinnie hoped that it would be Ivana going home.  Whoops.

Dane invented the word ‘begruntle’.

Jonas threw a giant pan of cold water all over Alex in the shower.  This made me laugh more than it should have.  Alex felt that he had been ‘syndicated’.

Stephen was evicted.  Then it was Sisqo.  Everyone expected Stephen to go, but there were a few shocked faces about Sisqo’s exit.

The housemates were given a ‘Swedish spa’ treat.  Alex gave Stephanie and Ivana a massage with some wooden balls.  They loved it, the naughty girls.

Nicola: “Alex is literally a Labrador.”

Vinnie started the day by complaining to Big Brother that Sisqo was offensive about him and that he wanted something doing about it.  He then spoke to Dane about it and said that if they cameras weren’t there he would have sorted Sisqo out the previous night.

Vinnie went back to the diary room and was asked to repeat exactly what was said that offended him.  He wouldn’t say what was it was.

In the bedroom, Sisqo talked to Stephen about being ‘snippy’ for the last few days.  He looked terrible.  He apologised to Vinnie, who asked why he singled him out.  They were quite civilised about it all.  Again.

Nicola squeezed the spots on Alex’s back.  Nice.

When Stephen tries to look condescending at people, he just looks like the village idiot.

Dane was given a box to use his special key in.  He received a cake and some champagne, and then got to choose to give some cake to someone by patting them on the bum.  He slapped Stephanie’s ass.

The housemates were locked in the bedroom and given outfits for a tarts and vicars party, to celebrate 21 years of sobriety for Stephen.  We then got the customary montage to Amy Winehouse’s Rehab.

They had a game of pass the parcel.  Alex won some pink panties and, obviously, put them on.  Stephanie won a fake dog poo.

Stephanie received her cake in the diary room.  It dropped on her from above.  The others were all called to the diary room and we got a montage of them expecting cake splattage but nothing happening.  It was quite weird.  Stephanie was called back and they dropped another cake on her head.

Nicola told Stephen that she wanted to put the fake poo in Ivana’s bed.  He said that he couldn’t condone it.  She said, ‘Yeah, but it will be funny.’  So he sort of joined in, but then said again that he didn’t condone it.  Strange man.  They all had a good laugh though, it was strangely heartwarming.

Live Show:

Stephen was evicted.  I don’t quite know how I feel about it.  Yes, he’s a tit, but he was fascinatingly weird.  His exit interview was sadly dull.

There was another eviction and Sisqo was kicked out.  Are there a lot of Ivana fans out there?

The polls are now open to vote to win.  I don’t have a clue who it’s going to be.

Dane was justly rewarded with a replacement mystery key for his efforts.  He has to keep the fact that he has it a secret.

Stephanie said that Nicola’s boyfriend wouldn’t be worried about her being close with Dane (he was massaging her neck).  Was it a bit of a veiled insult?

Stephen stretched Alex’s legs.  It was a very Kowalski-esqe homo erotic moment.

The housemates were told that they’d receive a roast dinner.  The plates were piled high.  Even higher than when you go to the Toby Carvery and feel compelled to keep adding roasties.

Jonas was asked by Nicola if he’s bisexual (don’t know why) and he said that he wasn’t but he’d like to be.  He’s not afraid to grab another man’s balls or stick a pencil up a man’s ass.  So there.

In a series of CBB that has contained some very weird tasks, they really reached a new high (or low) in this episode.  They had to weave a load of offal into a complete cow. Yes, really.  And they played ’Size of a Cow’ by the Wonderstuff, over a montage of them doing it.  It was enough to turn you vegetarian.  Jonas asked Ivana if she’d ever
done it before. The answer was, unsurprisingly, no.

Nicola got upset about missing her baby, which was fair enough.

Alex used to ‘work’ at a mental asylum.

Stephen warned Big Brother that they should be aware of the word ‘wrath’.  In regard to life.  Whatever that meant.  He thought it would be funny if they went to hell.  He’s really giving Christians a great image.

A number of the housemates decided to ‘harmonise’ to Amazing Grace.  It was really funny.

Jonas is the kind of guy that reads science magazines every day.  Stephen uses this as an opportunity to mention god, but I wasn’t really listening.

The last 15 minutes of the show were really boring and can be summarised thusly: Sisqo thinks that he’s taking on Vinnie.  Vinnie doesn’t rise to it.

Sisqo guessed the reason that they were being punished but Dane dismissed it.

Vinnie christened Stephen ‘the weasel’.  The weasel then trained Alex by shouting ‘you’re frickin’ awesome’ at him.  The others all then made fun of the weasel and had a good genulol.

White sugar is worse then cigarettes proclaimed Dr Weasel.

Alex sounded like he was having an orgasm in the shower.  I think that the water was just cold.

All the sofas were replaced by benches.  Stephen liked it because it made him feel more like Jesus.  Nicola loved the benches because of the way that her bum cheeks went through the cracks (?)

‘Dane is in the garden using a blown up condom, wrapped in a towel, as a football.’  There’s one sentence that I never thought I’d ever hear.  At this point the tree of temptation started talking to Dane and gave him a challenge.  I said yesterday that I was a bit bored, but the ToT appeared to save the show.  In order to stop the punishments, Dane was asked to ruin the dinner by putting extra hot chilli powder into it.

Dane made some sauce for their steaks and emptied all the chilli powder into it.  What would the other housemates reaction be?  They absolutely loved it and couldn’t praise it highly enough.  They praised it so much that it was actually a little bit bizarre.  Dane looked gutted.

The bedding was changed in the bedroom to consist of a waterproof sheet, a picnic blanket and a hessian pillow.  They then found out who was up for eviction.  They made a big deal about it being all the Americans that were up.  What part of the States is Ivana from?  I don’t recognise the accent.

Dane was given a second chance, after failing to make the dinner inedible.  His challenge was to wait until everybody was asleep, scream – so that they all woke up, make up the details of a nightmare and get a sympathetic hug from somebody.

Sisqo got a bit weird when he had been nominated.

Alex went to the diary room and was very serious about the heating being too hot.  He suddenly turned into a trained police negotiator.  I don’t know where that came from.

Dane waited patiently for his moment and freaked out, waking everybody up.  Alex pounced and immediately got into his boxing pose.  Dane ran to the kitchen and tried to act spooked.  I don’t know how he stopped himself from laughing.  He got a hug from Nicola and Stephen thought a ghost had grabbed him.   Dane went into the bathroom and celebrated.  Awesome.

Vinnie made a bird feeder and the housemates were all ecstatic that some birds showed up.  It’s hard to comprehend how bored they must be.

Vinnie reiterates that he’s in the house to let people see what he’s really like.

Sisqo is tired of Alex getting his ass kissed by the other housemates.  When does this ever happen?  They all rip him!

I’m trying to watch this episode before football starts and so I’m not really paying that much attention.  That said, there are a lot of boring conversations going on.  They need a wacky task to stir them up a bit.

Stephen claims that Jonas only wore his undies and no vest.  He has a very selective memory when it suits him.

Ivana and Nicola had to act as models in a life drawing class.  They were allowed to wear flesh coloured underwear.  It wasn’t the wackiest task ever.  Ivana was a sight for sore eyes though.  Stephanie’s and Sisqo’s drawings were actually really good.

Sov is evicted.  Hooray.  As revealed yesterday, Ivana, Sisqo and Stephen are up for the public vote.

Stephen thinks he’s a saint.  The rest of the housemates thinks he’s a knob.  I can’t really be bothered going into details.

Some other stuff probably happened, but I got a bit bored.  Has the show run out of steam or am I just a bit tired?  I’ll see you tomorrow to find out.

Day 15:

Stephen attempted to convince Alex that something to do with a water bottle was a sign from god.  Even Alex is sick of his preaching now.

Vinnie and Sov bickered about cooking and food again.  If it’s this tedious for the viewer, then it must be driving the housemates up the wall.

The day’s task involved the most vocal housemate, Sisqo, by playing a singing game.  He had to do karaoke in the diary room and sing missing lyrics (see Shane Ritchie’s rubbish game show for details).  If he sang any of the lyrics incorrectly then one of the other housemates would be shot with a ‘gunk gun’.  He did rubbish and didn’t know any of the songs.  It seems unlikely that he would have heard of Saturday Night by Whigfield.  He got two out of six right.  And one of them was The Thong Song.  And ‘on a whim’, Big Brother decided to spray them all with more gunk for a laugh.  There’s certainly been an ‘end of term’ feel to this entire series.

Sov wouldn’t wash up because she didn’t feel well.  I don’t think that many of the others believed her.

Some of the housemates have a go at Jonas because he vaguely defended Sov.  He took it very personally, but he’s a sensitive young man.  He did his best to talk to Sov, but she refused to budge again.  Dane and Stephen then attempted to talk some sense into her.  It didn’t work.

Ivana, Stephanie, Vinnie and Nicola all sit in the snug, discussing Sov.  If she were to be evicted, what on earth would they all talk about?

Stephen got slightly homo-erotic while discussing Alex’s physique.

In a bizarre moment, Barry Fry came into the house to give them all a ‘half-time pep talk’.  For those who don’t know, Barry Fry is a sweary lower-league football manager.  It was amusing for about three seconds.

Isn’t CBB only usually 3 weeks long??  If it’s half time, then there must be two weeks left.  Damn, that’s an extra week of blogging that I’ve let myself in for.

Dane argued with Sov, and Stephen preached for 54 minutes.  Some things never change

Live Show:

There were chants of ‘Get Sov out’ from the live audience and their wish came true.  Maybe we’ll get some different topics of conversation now.

I don’t really have much to say about her exit interview, other than that she came across like a big kid.

The remaining housemates then had to do live speed-nominations.  They had 30 seconds each to do them.

Alex: Sisqo & Dane

Dane: Ivana & Stephen

Ivana: Jonas & Stephen

Jonas: Ivana & Sisqo

Nicola: Stephen & Ivana

Sisqo: Ivana & Alex

Stephanie: Stephen & Ivana (!)

Stephen: Nicola & Dane

Vinnie: Sisqo & Alex

This means that Sisqo, Stephen and Ivana are up for eviction.

Vinnie and Dane discussed Jordan and Alex.  It could be argued that they were being a bit harsh towards Alex, but you have to say that they were pretty spot on with their assessment.

Sov got an egg when she wasn’t supposed to.  Dane picked her up on it, but she wasn’t the least bit bothered.  She’s like a big kid and the endless arguments about food are getting old fast.

It was time for nominations:

Nicola:
Stephen – she can’t explain it, but he’s strange toward her (he’s a bit of a sleaze).
Sov – she’s not a team player and she walked out of the meeting early.

Sov:
Ivana – she treats her like a kid.
Stephanie – err, everything.

Stephanie:
Sov – she’s not a team player and is selfish.
Jonas – she’s found his behaviour (with Katia) difficult to deal with and can’t stand the scatalogical humour.

Sisqo:
Ivana – always wants to have her say and favours Alex.
Nicola – preoccupied with her life outside the house (she’s never mentioned it in the edited highlights) and is always mentioning her boyfriend.

Ivana:
Johan (Jonas) – he ran in the garden naked and it offended her (so why not nominate Alex, too??)
Nicola – something to do with tea bags.

Alex:
Sov – not a team player.
Sisqo – because Alex is the hunkiest man and he can’t have an American winning (no, me neither).

Stephanie and Ivana discuss how much fun it is to shop from catalogues and list many of the things you can buy in them.  Quite bizarre.

Dane:
Sov – she’s inconsiderate.
Ivana – she’s a worrier.

Jonas:
Sisqo – he’s a show off and talks about money all the time.
Sov – she’s very ‘unresponsible’ and steals fags.

Vinnie:
Alex – he’s in training and he eats too much.
Nicola – she’s an unintentional stirrer (I cannot believe that he hasn’t nominated Sov)

Stephen:
Nicola – she looks out for herself and pretends to be a team player
Dame (Dane) – same as Nicola

So, the housemates up for eviction are Sov (5 votes) and Nicola (4).  I think it’s a bit harsh on Nicola, actually.  She looks like a poorly girl in a film.

Dane attempted to do the big brother voice.  Perhaps the worst impression of all time.  And that’s coming from me.

Alex challenged Stephen about proving the existence of god.  This prompted one of his rubbish, nonsensical sermons.  I couldn’t summarise it if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.

They got mis-fortune cookies, which revealed the results of the nominations. Nicola looked like she knew it was coming.  All female nominees again.  Hmm, it must mean something.

Jonas uses the word unresponsible again.  I like it.  He also sniffed Katia’s pilow.  Sov attempted to get her cigarette rations early by straddling him.  Bah.  Poor Jonas.

Katia got back in bed with Jonas for the final time.  I won’t be sorry to see her go.

Stephen gives the group some culinary advice; when you get a freshly laid egg you just wash the crap off and then it’s an egg.  It was an absolute revelation.

Speaking of eggs, Sov wanted one for breakfast instead of at tea.  This only prompts another debate about how selfish she is.  Sov then reveals that she loves her tits.

Vinnie called a house meeting to finally draw a line under the whole cooking\rationing\corned beef situation.  Dane admitted that they’ve tried to let people have what they want, but it hasn’t worked.  Sov consistently failed to grasp the magnitude of the corned beef scandal.  Things remained very civilised and they all voted to going back to having set team meals.  Aren’t the all supposed to have a massive slanging match?  The producers must be disappointed.  The only person to make any fuss is, surprise surprise, Sov, who left before they’d finished the meeting.  It seems clear that the majority of housemates are getting a bit sick of her.  All she had to say was ‘Suck my titties’, I think she’s really summed the situation up to perfection.

Nicola would rather listen to Vinnie than to herself because he’s a big man and she’s a little div.  This made me genulol.

Ivana revealed that Donald Trump didn’t want his first child to be called Donald in case he turned out to be a loser.

We get to the evictions and Katia goes home first.  Jonas looked gutted and went and sat alone in the bathroom, close to tears.  Heidi summed Katia up: ‘She had the chance to not just be someone’s girlfriend and she spent the whole time just trying to be someone’s girlfriend.’

Sisqo tried to console Jonas: ‘I’d be upset giving up those titties, too.’   Don’t worry, he was joking.

The second eviction happened and, as we know, Heidi went home.  Stephanie looked appalled that Sov was still in the house.  Then all the others decided to look appalled.  I think it’s clear who’s getting nominated next.

The housemates were thrown a party to celebrate the evictions.  They played some Basshunter: he looked embarrassed and Ivana danced with Sisqo.  Then they all grooved to ‘The Thong Song’.  Alex slow danced Jonas, who then made a speech about missing Kat.  Jonas said that Kat was one of the top three kissers in his life.  Then he went to the diary room to say that he feels empty and that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.  Snap out of it, mate.

The show ended with Sisqo and Sov having an incomprehensible conversation about battles and wars. I think they must have been pissed.

Day 12:

Heidi tried to gauge the extent of Vinnie’s fame in England:  ’Vinnie would be as famous as OJ Simpson, but pretend he didn’t murder his wife.’

Dane had taken over the cooking duties in the house.  It was a very big deal.  It just shows quite how bored they are.

Sisqo and Dane discuss Stephanie.  Dane said that she’s the only ‘hot one’ in the house.  Dane seemed to feature more today than he has for the entire series so far.

Stephen:  ’It’s only a matter of time before Dane breaks down into a little foetal position on the floor, weeping, in his own confusion. OR. He rises up in a explosive display of alpha male machismo.’

Vinnie constantly picked at Dane’s running of the kitchen.  If you’re going to give up all responsibility for cooking duties then you need to stop interfering.

Vinnie then went on to needlessly pick at Nicola over whether she was a ‘WAG’ or not.  He seems to be in a bit of a mood.

Stephen gave Alex a moral dilemma in order to indoctrinate him further: would you prefer to kill your son or let a terrorist do it (I’m paraphrasing).  Alex said that he’d kill his son and Stephen said that’s what god did.  Alex looked genuinely upset.  The whole thing was painful to watch and was extremely disturbing.

Katia has decided to snuggle up to Jonas again.  Yawn.

Vinnie, Nicola and Stephanie discuss Alex and decide that he’s essentially a nice guy.  I think they’re right, he may be a bit of a prat, but he’s harmless.  You just wish that he could find an opinion of his own and stick to it.

Katia got jealous because Jonas gave Stephanie a foot massage.  It was going to take a  miracle for her not to be evicted first.

Vinnie challenged Stephen about what god is.  I was half-expecting the Alan Partridge answer of ‘god is a gas’.  Vinnie then completely dismisses Stephen’s angel story.  Well done, Vinnie.

Live Show:

So two of Katia, Sov and Heidi were going to get evicted.  Katia was nailed on, but I couldn’t decide between the other two.  The first to be evicted was Katia as expected.

Katia’s exit interview was extremely unrevealing.  Davina suggested that she should start thinking, which was pretty sound advice.  I think Davina realised that she wasn’t going to get anything out of her and was quite dismissive, which was fair enough.

The next to be evicted was Heidi.  It’s a bit of a shame as she was funnier stuff than Sov.  She seemed to have decided to wear pyjamas for her eviction, but she did give an entertaining interview.

How will the evictions affect the house?  I’ll see you tomorrow to find out.

Heidi accused Alex of only going out with Jordan because she’s famous.  He said that he’d die for her (Jordan, not Heidi).

Jonas and Katia had a conversation on the smokers’ bench that I didn’t remotely understand.

Vinnie had a quiet word with Sov and advised her what to do to stay in the show.  It’s probably the first time that he’s spoken to her since the series began.

Heidi loves Vinnie and thinks he’s ‘so hot’.

Heidi told a story about when she had a bit of a rough time in prison.  One of the other inmates made dildos out of denture cream, Heidi somehow got involved, someone else threatened her about it, so she bought them coloured contact lenses to placate them.  I can only assume that this story was a coded message because it made no sense whatsoever.

Alex got a grilling about why he courts the press so much and why he tells them some of the stupid things that he does. He got lots of advice from all quarters and he just looked really tired.  Stephen summed Alex up with the statement: ‘Right now, you’re a frickin’ tossed salad.’

A big row broke out about Sov wanting to eat some corned beef.  Vinnie was not impressed with her.  The tension in the house is definitely building.

Stephanie said that this is the best holiday that she’s had for years.  I actually think she was being serious.

Sov made a complete mess of the corned beef.  It’s a crime to waste corned beef.

Vinnie kicked off some more about rationing and cooking the meals.  It all got a little bit tiresome.  Corned Beef-gate isn’t quite as dramatic as the Jade-Shilpa race row.

Since Vinnie reads the ‘Big Brother Welcome Pack’ twice a day, they gave him a mastermind style quiz to win luxury items.  He got most of the answers right but the prizes were rubbish.

The show ended with one of the most bizarre things I’ve seen on TV.  Alex started to tell Stephen about how he regrets some of the ‘evil things’ in his life and is confused.  Stephen didn’t waste the opportunity to get a conversion and talked Alex into recited a prayer for salvation.  I had to question whether this was really happening.  It was.  I can only assume that he’s gone completely stir crazy.  After the prayer, Alex did a De Niro face and nearly started crying.

Very emotional.