Two Weeks of Sherby57: 18th July – 31st July 2010

August 4, 2010 Leave a Comment

Like a teenage badger who thinks he’s hard because he’s got a flick-comb, I return to entertain you with romcoms, nonsense and tales of derring do.  Sit back, relax and enjoy the last two weeks of The World of Sherby57.

Sunday 18th

Doppelganger! – A Tale of Adventure – A thrilling story from olden times (era not specified), when a woman meets her doppelgänger and almost nothing else of interest happens.

Monday 19th

Gravy Wars – Another chance to listen to my podcast in which we learn of Hulk Hogan’s significance in ending the second world war.

Tuesday 20th

Cyril’s Day Out – Another micro-literary fiction classic about a man on a day-trip to Llandudno.

Wednesday 21st

INPUT REQUIRED (Widnes Supercomputer) – The blog temporarily ran a live webchat with Widnes’s first supercomputer.  Read this post to find out what happened.

Thursday 22nd

Perception – A Story –  It may be set in a crazy future in which people live in pods, but don’t be fooled.  This is as romantic a romcom as you’re likely to read.  Unless you’re in the future and I’ve already written a more romantic one.

Sunday 25th

Wool Shop Songs – A story from my youth about singing for buttons.

Monday 26th

Mastersherby57 on TV – Another roundup of the week’s TV.  This edition features: The Erotic Bin Men of Old London Town, Ken Bobbins is Interesting and Jacques Villeneuve’s Barmy Army.

Tuesday 27th

A Man Sat in a Box – Some nonsense about boxes.

Wednesday 28th

Listen – Wah, wah wah.  Do you want to know a secret?

Thursday 29th

Joe’s Diner – A Story – Wow, another romantic romcom of the highest calibre (my opinion).  You’re all so lucky to have me.

Friday 30th

My Prophetic Dream –  My first Plinky attempt on TWoS57.  It’s quite a lame joke.

Saturday 31st

My Neighbours – A Poem – Another Plinky post.  It’s rubbish, but I felt compelled to finish it.

Fighting Evil With Corn Flakes: The Sherby57 Story – Yet more Plinky madness, but this time I like it.  It’s the first chapter of Sherby57′s memoirs and it’s very moving.  If any publishers are reading, then I’m happy to complete this whole book for a modest advance.

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Two Weeks of Sherby57: 4th July – 17th July 2010

July 19, 2010 Leave a Comment

Hello.  I love you.  Won’t you tell me your name?

Wow.  Derek is an unusual name for such a pretty girl.  So, “Derek”, would you like to hear about some of my blog posts from the last few weeks?  You would?  How delightful.

Sunday 4th

Tea-Based Barry White-Style Love Song – Can you imagine what it would be like if Barry White were to write a song about making a cup of tea? No?  You’ve really got no imagination at all, have you?  No need to worry, just read this post and you’ll find out.

Monday 5th

Parallel Spoons – Do you like your mind messed with and your perceptions challenged?  Then don’t read this post.  Only joking, you should definitely read this post.  Or should you?  Yes.

Tuesday 6th

Not Really A Poem –  What happens when you try and write a poem and you can’t think of anything to write poetry about?  You try and pretend that you’re writing some crazy avant garde poem about not being able to write a poem.  Then you sit back and collect your avant garde poetry awards.  Ker-ching.

Wednesday 7th

Biggest Bogey – Meh.  Something about a big bit of snot that I got bored of writing half way through.  Yet again I tried the whole “I’m being post modern” escape route.

Thursday 8th

Romcosmonauts – This post will go down in history.  It’s the post in which I create the blog post romcom clips show.  I’ve literally revolutionised the internet.

Sunday 11th

Post From The Past – July 2009 – Some old posts that weren’t that exciting.  Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be selling this to you.  The old posts were totally amazing.

Monday 12th

Sherby57′s Mind Expanders – 6 – Another puzzle of the most intellectual variety.   If you’ve completed all 6 mind expanders to date then you probably have a really muscly brain by now.  Don’t get carried away, though.  Brain steroids are really dangerous.

Wednesday 14th

Tedgate – Ted causes controversy by standing near a gate.  A tense political thriller in under 300 words.  Without the politics.  Or any thrills.

Thursday 15th

The Noisy Couple – A Story –  Who would have thought that being noisy in a pub could be romantic? Me, of course.  It’s very romantic depending on the circumstances.

Friday 16th

Perfume Lesson –  Do you want to grow as a person?  You’d better get reading this post then.  You’ll end up smelling nice and having a transcendental experience.

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Two Weeks of Sherby57: 6th June – 19th June 2010

June 21, 2010 Leave a Comment

Hello everybody.  Did you miss me?  It’s been 5 days since I last posted on here.  That’s the longest I’ve been away for quite a while (apologies that I’m not being more accurate, I don’t have the relevant stats to hand).  I hope you don’t mind if I combine two week’s worth of Sherby57 posts with a bit of a natter, so that we can catch up.  Do you mind?

Oh.  You do mind.  Any particular reason?

How rude!! What a completely ignorant man\woman\sentient computer\genetically-engineered hyper-intelligent gorilla with a bent for world domination you are.  Well, I won’t stand around here to be insulted.  Especially as I’m sat on the couch.  Anyway, just read about the posts and we’ll be done with it.

Monday 7th

To Blink – A Story –  A story about not blinking for a stupid reason.  Is there a clever subtext to this little tale?  Probably not, but if you can invent one, let me know.

Tuesday 8th

Sherby57′s Mind Expanders – 5 –  I don’t know how I’ve not been offered a job writing for puzzle books after writing 5 of these mind expanders.  Perhaps they’re just too devilish.  That’s the only possible explanation that I can think of.

Thursday 10th

For Whom The Bracelet Fits – A Story – You should know by now that I write some of the most beautiful romantic fiction in the world.  This story is a dramatic re-telling of the Cinderella myth.  It’s, quite literally, a story.

Friday 11th

Will I Make It? – The answer is yes.  Now read the post to find out what the question was.

Monday 14th

Javier Have A Problem – A Micro Story – Just read it.  It’s all based on a bit of a stupid joke, so just read it.

Wednesday 16th

Red, Red Whine – A big Jilly Goolden misunderstanding is enough to brighten up anybody’s day.  This post contains a huge Jilly Goolden misunderstanding.

Thursday 17th

Night Out – A Story – Another lovely, lovely story.  I’m really spoiling you people.  After all those things you said to me.  You don’t deserve it, but I still love you.

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A Week of Sherby57: 30th May – 5th June 2010

June 7, 2010 Leave a Comment

It’s hard to believe that yet another week has gone by.

Ok, so it’s really not that hard to believe, at all.  I was just trying to make things sound a little bit more dramatic before launching into my usual round up of the week’s posts on The World of Sherby57.  Why don’t you just read them.

Sunday 30th

Woo Shape – I wrote this post and I have no idea what it’s about.  If you’d like to have a read and attempt an explanation then I’d be ever so grateful.

Monday 31st

The Book of Gravy – If you’ve not listened to the latest episode of my podcast yet, why not click this link and have a listen.  It’s all based around a wedding speech.  There is a reason for this, but you’ll have to listen to find out what that is.

End of Volume 2? – This post marks the three year anniversary of the creation of The World of Sherby57.  Will there be another Sherby57 book released?  Only time will tell.  But probably yes.  I need to feed my own ego.

Tuesday 1st

Post From The Past – June 2009 – This month’s Post From The Past features “The 57 Principles of Sherby” – an enlightening set of rules from which to live your life.  If you only read one thing today, you should read that.

Wednesday 2nd

Don’t Tell My Heart – Yes, it’s a post about my achy breaky heart.  Do I need to say any more?

Thursday 3rd

Stories – A Story – Another one of my emotional romcoms.  This time we take a look at the effects that social constructionism can have on people’s lives and the strange ways that they overcome it.

Saturday 5th

This Post is Faulty – I’m afraid this post is a complete write off.  There’s no way it could pass its MOT.

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A Week of Sherby57: 16th May – 22nd May 2010

May 24, 2010 Leave a Comment

Last week was literally a week of my life, of that there can be no doubt.  In this crazy, topsy turvy would we call the world, it’s important to remember those weeks of your life in which you lived.  To this noble end, I humbly introduce a collection of blog posts that I wrote, sculpted and buffed on my other blog, The World of Sherby57.  I did these activities last week, which is why I mentioned the whole “last week” situation.  I’d like to invite you to dwell deep within my blog-hole, albeit temporarily, and bask in the clammy glamour of those heady days that we called “last week”.

Sunday 16th

Sherby57′s Mind Expanders – 4 – What more can be said about Sherby57′s Mind Expanders that hasn’t already been said?  Quite a lot actually.  It has to be said that not very much has been written about them, so they playing field is wide open.   I don’t mean that there’s a big crack in the middle of a football pitch as the result of a cataclysmic earthquake.  That would be mental.   I just mean that if anybody wanted to write something about the Mind Expanders, then they’d be a pioneer.  How many bloggers can be said to have given their readers the chance to be a pioneer?  I’ve not done the sums, but I can’t imagine it being very many.  I’m just really special.

P.s.

This week’s puzzle is about some colours.  Can you figure out the solution before I have chance to invent one?

Monday 17th

Having Things –  Let’s just say that I’ve taken out my satirical sword, sharpened it on the stone of justice and thrust it deep inside the body of wanton consumerism.  Either that or I just wanted to invent some weird collectibles that I pretended to buy.  Who wouldn’t want to live in a world where you can buy a Russ Abbot teapot?

Tuesday 18th

Seemingly Random Events –  Some events are seemingly random.  This fact clearly led to the title of this post.  Perhaps things are linked more than you first thought.  Maybe they’re not.  It’s not really for me to say, I’m not your dad.

Wednesday 19th

The Relentless March of Time –  ”Time goes by, so slowly” sang The Righteous Brothers.  Well, they may have been righteous, but that doesn’t mean that they were right.  Time flies by so quickly that you have to jump in your car, chase after it and precariously lean out of the window in an attempt to catch it.  Time is a little tinker.  This post sees me give time the telling off that it deserves for its flighty attitude.

Thursday 20th

Coming Soon: All Above Board – It’s another one of my amazing stories.  Just read it and be thrilled by the inherent romance contained within.

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A Week of Sherby57: 9th May – 15th May 2010

May 17, 2010 Leave a Comment

Hiya.

How are you doing?  Did you have a nice weekend?  Ah, that’s good to hear.  I can’t believe you managed to get so much gardening done, you must be knackered.  Hahahaha.  You cheeky sod, my garden’s not that bad, I only did it the other week.  Hahahahahaha.

The World of Sherby57, you say? Sure, I wrote some posts for it last week.  No problem, no problem at all.

Sunday 9th

Toby the Meat Cutter –  So, I went to the Toby Carvery, yeah?  You’re right, it is delicious.  Anyway, the guy who cut the meat, lets call him “the carver”, he kept on saying “for yourself, Sir?” to everyone, and it kind of made me laugh.  Yeah, you guessed it, I decided to write a story based on this flimsy conceit.

Monday 10th

Potato Rally – Oh no! Yes, I can’t believe that you brought this post up!! How very naughty of you! Yes, I did completely lose my thread half-way through, you cheeky scamp.  I attempted to rescue the situation by breaking the fourth wall, but I don’t know how successful I was.  Very successful, you say?  Oh, you’re too kind, mon ami.  The cheque’s in the post, hahahaha.  But seriously, I shouldn’t have really gone off all half-cocked with such a semi-baked concept.  You live and learn.

Wednesday 12th

Motown Misery – The irony is that this whole thing about seeing the bank manager about setting up a record label called Motown actually happened to me.  In that, it in no way happened to me at all.  Imagine if I was crazy enough to attempt such a thing.  Hey!!! Cheeky chops!  I’m not actually that crazy.

Thursday 13th

The Romcom Tsar – A Story – Yes, I know I’m very romantic usually.  This was just a bit of a change of pace, I wouldn’t really dismiss the whole romcom genre so glibly.  It’s not in my nature.

Anyway, it’s been great seeing you.  We’ll have to make sure that we don’t leave it so long next time.  Have a great week!

Laterz.

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A Week of Sherby57: 2nd May – 8th May 2010

May 10, 2010 Leave a Comment

Dearest Diary

What an utterly discombobulated week I’ve had.  My head’s been in a spin, very much like those spinning top things that fight against each other.  It’s been a complete nightmare.  I always preferred Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Nevertheless, it is my solemn duty for me to furnish your delectable pages with the sorry events from this past seven-day period.  I can only hope that I don’t shock your tender book-based mind.

Sunday 2nd

Sherby57′s Mind Expanders – 3 – On Sunday, after attending church, I did nothing more than write a most mischievous riddle to bamboozle the rogue, Mr Darcy.  I suspect that he is still thinking about it now with his tiny badger brain.

Monday 3rd

A Lizard in my Lair – A Poem –  Monday came and went and then came back again.  In an attempt to halt this inexorable cycle, I wrote a poem.  It transpired that the verse was about sitting in the snow with a lizard.  I know not what the relevance of this message is.

Tuesday 4th

Waiting in the Pub – Oh, how I waited.  I waited in the public house, waiting.  Only I was actually in my car and I just imagined that I was in the pub.  But I was definitely waiting, mark my words.

Wednesday 5th

ABStract – A Story – How tender the human heart.  I had no sooner left by radiogram for the Exeter nose festival than I had a sudden bout of romanticism leap upon my being like an angry villager wearing a snorkel.  I had no other choice than to extract my quill, and pen this moving tale about a woman pretending to be a chav for scientific purposes.

Thursday 6th

Scathing Satire – The week is traditionally seven days in length, but mine finished a few days short.  I blame those awful politicians and their incessant baby-kissing.  My only option was to mercilessly satirise them using the power of satire.  It is no wonder that the very parliament is hung high after my rapier-like attack.

And that’s my week.  I now intend to retire to my bedchamber and fully regenerate.  I’ve covered myself in a healing tincture concocted by a local madwoman.  I suspect she may be a witch, but she has lovely skin.

Pray tell, how hath your week been?

Your loving,

Sherby57

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More Book Stuff + Lulu Advice

May 6, 2010 4 Comments

Exciting news! I have now sold a grand total of 2 copies of my book to people who are not me.  I’m not sure what the rules are, but I’m pretty sure that I’m now allowed to use the phrase “best-selling author” on my CV.  Genuine thanks go out to Joanne and Joe (aka JLS from Team Extreme) for actually bothering.  I’m sure that you’ll both get your just rewards for being such fine, upstanding members of society.  I do expect them both to write glowing reviews of the book that I can publish on here as testimonials.  I also expect a similar review from Dr Angel who has her own copy of the wonderful work of literature.  She earned her complimentary copy of the book by being the only person who’s ever shown any sustained interest in The World of Sherby57.  I couldn’t have done it without her.

Anyway, enough with the sentimentality, let’s carry on with some more tedious book related news.  It probably isn’t a good marketing technique to mention this, but I did learn something valuable about self-publishing with Lulu.com:  make double sure that you’ve picked the most appropriate paper size for your book.

There are several options of book size on Lulu and I settled on “pocket” for no particular reason.  Many of the sizes were so similar that I pretty much picked at random.  However I had a few formatting problems when trying to upload my ‘manuscript’ to the web-site and so, out of frustration, I decided to re-format from a different template.  I picked A5, simply because it was the one I had heard of.  Luckily, this time I was able to upload and publish successfully.

However, at a later date, I was browsing on Lulu and spotted a book with a similar number of pages to mine that was significantly cheaper.  I investigated to see how they had achieved it and it was simply down to the paper size.  I don’t really understand why such similar sized books should vary so much in price.  For example, the manufacturing cost of a 100-page A5 book is £7.35; the price for a similar 100-page Pocket book is £2.98.  The size of A5 is 5.8″ x 8.2″.  The size of Pocket is 4.2″ x 6.8″.  It doesn’t make any sense to me either.  Just make sure you choose wisely.

Anyway, I can only apologise for my crapness.  If I’ve not completely put you off, you can buy a copy of my book from here.  There’s a very nifty preview of the first 12 pages, so go and have a nosy.

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Boring Blog Stats – April 2010

May 1, 2010 Leave a Comment

It’s been a struggle to do much blogging this week (for no particular reason), so thank goodness for the start of a new month.  Yes, it’s time for me to bore you with my boring blog stats.  Enjoy.

In March,  the figures were:

The World of Sherby57 – Total hits = 989, average hits per day = 31.9

Pour Some Gravy On Me – Total hits = 1126, average hits per day = 36.3

In April, they were:

Sherby57 – Total hits = 679, average hits per day = 22.6

PSGOM – Total hits = 700, average hits per day = 23.3

Ah.  Not a great month for the blogs, hits-wise.  They’re actually the lowest number of hits that I’ve had since July\August last year, which is ever so slightly depressing.  Don’t worry, I won’t be slitting my wrists any time soon.

Top Posts for the Month

Sherby57 -

Like last month, I’m not going to bother because they’re the same ones that they always are.

PSGOM -

Home Page – 281

Sex Sells: The Mr Banana Penis Story – 64

Disturbing Showers and Mid-Month Stats Update – 21

Nothing To Say – 21

I think the whole month is summed up by an entry about having nothing to say being one of the most popular posts.

Top Non-Pervy Search Terms of All Time

As we discovered last month, many of the actual top search terms used to find my blogs are sexually related.  This month I thought I’d try and pick just the ones that are not cock-related.  I’ve added the “real ranking” of each phrase, which is where it would be if I had included all the pervy ones.

Sherby57 -

geordie jokes – real ranking 3rd – 435 hits

bodyguard – real ranking 4th – 365 hits

geordie jeans – real ranking  5th – 220 hits

baby lamb – real ranking 6th – 215 hits

sherby57 – real ranking 7th - 185 hits

PSGOM –

pour some gravy on me – real ranking 7th – 40 hits

cbb 2010 – real ranking 9th – 31 hits

jonas altberg – real ranking 11th – 16 hits

danyl johnson warrington – real ranking 15th – 10 hits

rachel adedeji – real ranking 17th – 8 hits


They’re all a bit boring, aren’t they?

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A Week of Sherby57: 18th Apr – 24th Apr 2010

April 26, 2010 Leave a Comment

Yet another week has flown by like a cloud of volcanic ash.  As a result of these unforeseen circumstances, I didn’t publish any posts on Friday and Saturday.  Sorry about that.

Sunday 18th

Remember These Facts – Two facts that may possibly help you in a crisis.  Sadly, I can’t remember which type of crisis they are applicable in.  Have a read anyway, just in case.

Monday 19th

Sherby57′s Mind Expanders – 2 –  The solution to last week’s immense puzzle and a brand new one to tease your tiny brains with.  If you’ve been having a good try at solving these riddles then I expect that your IQ has shot up by at least 30 points.  Possibly.

Tuesday 20th

Poor Poem – A Poem – It’s a bad poem about writing a bad poem.  It’s very post modern (i.e. it’s rubbish).

Wednesday 21st

Free Postage Offer for the Sherby57 Book – Hmmm. What an excellent book I’ve written and yet there are P&P charges incurred when buying a copy.  Whatever are we going to do?  Well, have a look at this link and you can get free P&P.  Super.

Thursday 22nd

Martin’s Muse – A Story – It’s a story about a romantic novelist who’s lost his inspiration and the strange way in which he gets it back.  Very moving.

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