How Did You Get Here?

June 24, 2011 Leave a Comment

Francis Rossi on stage with Quo at the Colston...

Image via Wikipedia

One of the great features of having a WordPress blog is that it tells you what people searched for in order to end up on your site.  I’m going to take a look at some of my favourite search terms from over the years.  They’re very intriguing.

francis rossi traitor:

Post this search leads to – Francis Rossi – Traitor?

What’s the post about – The confusion and hurt felt by the members of the PTC (Pony Tail Club) when Mr Rossi snipped his PT off.

Reason why I like it – Because someone searched for Francis Rossi being a traitor.  It’s quite funny, isn’t it?

cheeky chappy shaun costello:

Post this search leads to - Wall of Wonder

What’s the post about - A photo of all the stuff I had stuck on the wall next to my desk in work.  This is accompanied by a key explaining what all the items are.

Reason why I like it - I love this post because it’s a reminder of the wonderful wall I had and all the hilarious things that I stuck on it.  It’s one of my favourite posts of all time.  Also, I love the fact that someone actually searched for the phrase “cheeky chappy shaun costello” as it’s so unlikely.  To be honest, it’s so unlikely that it was probably me that searched for it and I’ve forgotten.

chilli & cranberry hair gel:

Post this search leads to - Blumen’ Marvellous

What’s the post about - An incredibly clever satire on a Heston Blumenthal type meal as created by infamous Warringtonian Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow.

Reason why I like it - I made up chilli & cranberry hair gel as a wacky non-existent product, and yet someone wants to use it for real.

100 good reasons why to pour stuff on somebody:

Post this search leads to - ?

What’s the post about - I think it just leads to my home page or something.

Reason why I like it - Why is this person looking for reasons to pour stuff on somebody? Why are they so vague about what it is that they want to pour down somebody?  It’s all a little bit sinister.  Are they trying to justify a fetish to a partner?  Why do they need 100 reasons? Wouldn’t a few be sufficient? I’m very intrigued.

the pompidou centre – functionalist dreamscape or postmodern eyesore?:

Post this search leads to - n\a

What’s the post about - I think it was something I said on Twitter, which temporarily shows up on my blog.

Reason why I like it - It’s a quote from Paul Calf’s Video Diary.  I’m in no way taking credit for it.  It’s just one of my favourite programmes ever and it’s nice to be associated with it, even in the loosest and most plagiaristic of ways.

lady sovereign extra teeth:

Post this search leads to - Home page

What’s the post about - Weirdly, if you search for this phrase in google, my home page is the first result. Since I haven’t mentioned Lady Sovereign since she appeared in Celebrity Big Brother I don’t understand how this can be.  Also, if you search for the phrase within the blog, then it returns no results. Weird.

Reason why I like it - Haha, she’s got extra teeth, innit?

“i love chips”:

Post this search leads to - MBM – Chips

What’s the post about - It’s a milk bottle with a label on it which reads: “I love chips.”

Reason why I like it - I just really, really love chips.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

“gravy loving fundamentalists”:

Post this search leads to - Holy Gravy?

What’s the post about - When I transferred PSGOM from Blogger to WordPress, the redirection didn’t work properly and you ended up on some weird Bible site.

Reason why I like it - Who could fail to be charmed by the idea of a group of religious zealots who just love gravy?

in the world war 1 did people pour gravy down their legs?:

Post this search leads to -?

What’s the post about - ?

Reason why I like it - Well, it’s easy to understand where this question was coming from.  For the record (if you’re the person who asked this question), during World War 2 there were shortages of stockings, so women would rub gravy browning on their legs to give the appearance of hosiery.  What they didn’t do was get a gravy boat, full of the delicious brown stuff, and pour it wholesale all over themselves.  You’re an inadvertent pervert.

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CBB 2010: Day 17

January 21, 2010 Leave a Comment

As Sov took the mystery key with her, when evicted, the other housemates were punished with some petty pranks (salt and sugar swapped, hot water turned off).  Vinnie’s face was a picture when he drank his tea.  Stephen attempted to identify the salt by sniffing it, before it was pointed out that it is odourless.

Sisqo guessed the reason that they were being punished but Dane dismissed it.

Vinnie christened Stephen ‘the weasel’.  The weasel then trained Alex by shouting ‘you’re frickin’ awesome’ at him.  The others all then made fun of the weasel and had a good genulol.

White sugar is worse then cigarettes proclaimed Dr Weasel.

Alex sounded like he was having an orgasm in the shower.  I think that the water was just cold.

All the sofas were replaced by benches.  Stephen liked it because it made him feel more like Jesus.  Nicola loved the benches because of the way that her bum cheeks went through the cracks (?)

‘Dane is in the garden using a blown up condom, wrapped in a towel, as a football.’  There’s one sentence that I never thought I’d ever hear.  At this point the tree of temptation started talking to Dane and gave him a challenge.  I said yesterday that I was a bit bored, but the ToT appeared to save the show.  In order to stop the punishments, Dane was asked to ruin the dinner by putting extra hot chilli powder into it.

Dane made some sauce for their steaks and emptied all the chilli powder into it.  What would the other housemates reaction be?  They absolutely loved it and couldn’t praise it highly enough.  They praised it so much that it was actually a little bit bizarre.  Dane looked gutted.

The bedding was changed in the bedroom to consist of a waterproof sheet, a picnic blanket and a hessian pillow.  They then found out who was up for eviction.  They made a big deal about it being all the Americans that were up.  What part of the States is Ivana from?  I don’t recognise the accent.

Dane was given a second chance, after failing to make the dinner inedible.  His challenge was to wait until everybody was asleep, scream – so that they all woke up, make up the details of a nightmare and get a sympathetic hug from somebody.

Sisqo got a bit weird when he had been nominated.

Alex went to the diary room and was very serious about the heating being too hot.  He suddenly turned into a trained police negotiator.  I don’t know where that came from.

Dane waited patiently for his moment and freaked out, waking everybody up.  Alex pounced and immediately got into his boxing pose.  Dane ran to the kitchen and tried to act spooked.  I don’t know how he stopped himself from laughing.  He got a hug from Nicola and Stephen thought a ghost had grabbed him.   Dane went into the bathroom and celebrated.  Awesome.

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CBB 2010: Day 16

January 20, 2010 Leave a Comment

Alex, Jonas & Nicola talk about Stephen and how he complains about Jonas’s package.

Vinnie made a bird feeder and the housemates were all ecstatic that some birds showed up.  It’s hard to comprehend how bored they must be.

Vinnie reiterates that he’s in the house to let people see what he’s really like.

Sisqo is tired of Alex getting his ass kissed by the other housemates.  When does this ever happen?  They all rip him!

I’m trying to watch this episode before football starts and so I’m not really paying that much attention.  That said, there are a lot of boring conversations going on.  They need a wacky task to stir them up a bit.

Stephen claims that Jonas only wore his undies and no vest.  He has a very selective memory when it suits him.

Ivana and Nicola had to act as models in a life drawing class.  They were allowed to wear flesh coloured underwear.  It wasn’t the wackiest task ever.  Ivana was a sight for sore eyes though.  Stephanie’s and Sisqo’s drawings were actually really good.

Sov is evicted.  Hooray.  As revealed yesterday, Ivana, Sisqo and Stephen are up for the public vote.

Stephen thinks he’s a saint.  The rest of the housemates thinks he’s a knob.  I can’t really be bothered going into details.

Some other stuff probably happened, but I got a bit bored.  Has the show run out of steam or am I just a bit tired?  I’ll see you tomorrow to find out.

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CBB 2010: Day 15 and Live Shows

January 19, 2010 Leave a Comment

It’s an eviction night.  Who will go?  You decide.  Etc.

Day 15:

Stephen attempted to convince Alex that something to do with a water bottle was a sign from god.  Even Alex is sick of his preaching now.

Vinnie and Sov bickered about cooking and food again.  If it’s this tedious for the viewer, then it must be driving the housemates up the wall.

The day’s task involved the most vocal housemate, Sisqo, by playing a singing game.  He had to do karaoke in the diary room and sing missing lyrics (see Shane Ritchie’s rubbish game show for details).  If he sang any of the lyrics incorrectly then one of the other housemates would be shot with a ‘gunk gun’.  He did rubbish and didn’t know any of the songs.  It seems unlikely that he would have heard of Saturday Night by Whigfield.  He got two out of six right.  And one of them was The Thong Song.  And ‘on a whim’, Big Brother decided to spray them all with more gunk for a laugh.  There’s certainly been an ‘end of term’ feel to this entire series.

Sov wouldn’t wash up because she didn’t feel well.  I don’t think that many of the others believed her.

Some of the housemates have a go at Jonas because he vaguely defended Sov.  He took it very personally, but he’s a sensitive young man.  He did his best to talk to Sov, but she refused to budge again.  Dane and Stephen then attempted to talk some sense into her.  It didn’t work.

Ivana, Stephanie, Vinnie and Nicola all sit in the snug, discussing Sov.  If she were to be evicted, what on earth would they all talk about?

Stephen got slightly homo-erotic while discussing Alex’s physique.

In a bizarre moment, Barry Fry came into the house to give them all a ‘half-time pep talk’.  For those who don’t know, Barry Fry is a sweary lower-league football manager.  It was amusing for about three seconds.

Isn’t CBB only usually 3 weeks long??  If it’s half time, then there must be two weeks left.  Damn, that’s an extra week of blogging that I’ve let myself in for.

Dane argued with Sov, and Stephen preached for 54 minutes.  Some things never change

Live Show:

There were chants of ‘Get Sov out’ from the live audience and their wish came true.  Maybe we’ll get some different topics of conversation now.

I don’t really have much to say about her exit interview, other than that she came across like a big kid.

The remaining housemates then had to do live speed-nominations.  They had 30 seconds each to do them.

Alex: Sisqo & Dane

Dane: Ivana & Stephen

Ivana: Jonas & Stephen

Jonas: Ivana & Sisqo

Nicola: Stephen & Ivana

Sisqo: Ivana & Alex

Stephanie: Stephen & Ivana (!)

Stephen: Nicola & Dane

Vinnie: Sisqo & Alex

This means that Sisqo, Stephen and Ivana are up for eviction.

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CBB 2010: Day 14

January 18, 2010 Leave a Comment

Is there part of me that regrets inadvertently committing to writing about CBB every day? That would be an affirmative.  Anyway, on with the show…

Vinnie and Dane discussed Jordan and Alex.  It could be argued that they were being a bit harsh towards Alex, but you have to say that they were pretty spot on with their assessment.

Sov got an egg when she wasn’t supposed to.  Dane picked her up on it, but she wasn’t the least bit bothered.  She’s like a big kid and the endless arguments about food are getting old fast.

It was time for nominations:

Nicola:
Stephen – she can’t explain it, but he’s strange toward her (he’s a bit of a sleaze).
Sov – she’s not a team player and she walked out of the meeting early.

Sov:
Ivana – she treats her like a kid.
Stephanie – err, everything.

Stephanie:
Sov – she’s not a team player and is selfish.
Jonas – she’s found his behaviour (with Katia) difficult to deal with and can’t stand the scatalogical humour.

Sisqo:
Ivana – always wants to have her say and favours Alex.
Nicola – preoccupied with her life outside the house (she’s never mentioned it in the edited highlights) and is always mentioning her boyfriend.

Ivana:
Johan (Jonas) – he ran in the garden naked and it offended her (so why not nominate Alex, too??)
Nicola – something to do with tea bags.

Alex:
Sov – not a team player.
Sisqo – because Alex is the hunkiest man and he can’t have an American winning (no, me neither).

Stephanie and Ivana discuss how much fun it is to shop from catalogues and list many of the things you can buy in them.  Quite bizarre.

Dane:
Sov – she’s inconsiderate.
Ivana – she’s a worrier.

Jonas:
Sisqo – he’s a show off and talks about money all the time.
Sov – she’s very ‘unresponsible’ and steals fags.

Vinnie:
Alex – he’s in training and he eats too much.
Nicola – she’s an unintentional stirrer (I cannot believe that he hasn’t nominated Sov)

Stephen:
Nicola – she looks out for herself and pretends to be a team player
Dame (Dane) – same as Nicola

So, the housemates up for eviction are Sov (5 votes) and Nicola (4).  I think it’s a bit harsh on Nicola, actually.  She looks like a poorly girl in a film.

Dane attempted to do the big brother voice.  Perhaps the worst impression of all time.  And that’s coming from me.

Alex challenged Stephen about proving the existence of god.  This prompted one of his rubbish, nonsensical sermons.  I couldn’t summarise it if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.

They got mis-fortune cookies, which revealed the results of the nominations. Nicola looked like she knew it was coming.  All female nominees again.  Hmm, it must mean something.

Jonas uses the word unresponsible again.  I like it.  He also sniffed Katia’s pilow.  Sov attempted to get her cigarette rations early by straddling him.  Bah.  Poor Jonas.

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CBB 2010: Day 13

January 17, 2010 Leave a Comment

Vinnie and Stephanie start the day with their customary early morning chat.  Incredibly, they were still going on about corned beef.

Katia got back in bed with Jonas for the final time.  I won’t be sorry to see her go.

Stephen gives the group some culinary advice; when you get a freshly laid egg you just wash the crap off and then it’s an egg.  It was an absolute revelation.

Speaking of eggs, Sov wanted one for breakfast instead of at tea.  This only prompts another debate about how selfish she is.  Sov then reveals that she loves her tits.

Vinnie called a house meeting to finally draw a line under the whole cooking\rationing\corned beef situation.  Dane admitted that they’ve tried to let people have what they want, but it hasn’t worked.  Sov consistently failed to grasp the magnitude of the corned beef scandal.  Things remained very civilised and they all voted to going back to having set team meals.  Aren’t the all supposed to have a massive slanging match?  The producers must be disappointed.  The only person to make any fuss is, surprise surprise, Sov, who left before they’d finished the meeting.  It seems clear that the majority of housemates are getting a bit sick of her.  All she had to say was ‘Suck my titties’, I think she’s really summed the situation up to perfection.

Nicola would rather listen to Vinnie than to herself because he’s a big man and she’s a little div.  This made me genulol.

Ivana revealed that Donald Trump didn’t want his first child to be called Donald in case he turned out to be a loser.

We get to the evictions and Katia goes home first.  Jonas looked gutted and went and sat alone in the bathroom, close to tears.  Heidi summed Katia up: ‘She had the chance to not just be someone’s girlfriend and she spent the whole time just trying to be someone’s girlfriend.’

Sisqo tried to console Jonas: ‘I’d be upset giving up those titties, too.’   Don’t worry, he was joking.

The second eviction happened and, as we know, Heidi went home.  Stephanie looked appalled that Sov was still in the house.  Then all the others decided to look appalled.  I think it’s clear who’s getting nominated next.

The housemates were thrown a party to celebrate the evictions.  They played some Basshunter: he looked embarrassed and Ivana danced with Sisqo.  Then they all grooved to ‘The Thong Song’.  Alex slow danced Jonas, who then made a speech about missing Kat.  Jonas said that Kat was one of the top three kissers in his life.  Then he went to the diary room to say that he feels empty and that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.  Snap out of it, mate.

The show ended with Sisqo and Sov having an incomprehensible conversation about battles and wars. I think they must have been pissed.

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CBB 2010: Day 12 and Live Shows

January 16, 2010 Leave a Comment

Davina actually used the phrase ‘corned beef-gate’, that I somewhat sarcastically used yesterday.  Ho hum.

Day 12:

Heidi tried to gauge the extent of Vinnie’s fame in England:  ’Vinnie would be as famous as OJ Simpson, but pretend he didn’t murder his wife.’

Dane had taken over the cooking duties in the house.  It was a very big deal.  It just shows quite how bored they are.

Sisqo and Dane discuss Stephanie.  Dane said that she’s the only ‘hot one’ in the house.  Dane seemed to feature more today than he has for the entire series so far.

Stephen:  ’It’s only a matter of time before Dane breaks down into a little foetal position on the floor, weeping, in his own confusion. OR. He rises up in a explosive display of alpha male machismo.’

Vinnie constantly picked at Dane’s running of the kitchen.  If you’re going to give up all responsibility for cooking duties then you need to stop interfering.

Vinnie then went on to needlessly pick at Nicola over whether she was a ‘WAG’ or not.  He seems to be in a bit of a mood.

Stephen gave Alex a moral dilemma in order to indoctrinate him further: would you prefer to kill your son or let a terrorist do it (I’m paraphrasing).  Alex said that he’d kill his son and Stephen said that’s what god did.  Alex looked genuinely upset.  The whole thing was painful to watch and was extremely disturbing.

Katia has decided to snuggle up to Jonas again.  Yawn.

Vinnie, Nicola and Stephanie discuss Alex and decide that he’s essentially a nice guy.  I think they’re right, he may be a bit of a prat, but he’s harmless.  You just wish that he could find an opinion of his own and stick to it.

Katia got jealous because Jonas gave Stephanie a foot massage.  It was going to take a  miracle for her not to be evicted first.

Vinnie challenged Stephen about what god is.  I was half-expecting the Alan Partridge answer of ‘god is a gas’.  Vinnie then completely dismisses Stephen’s angel story.  Well done, Vinnie.

Live Show:

So two of Katia, Sov and Heidi were going to get evicted.  Katia was nailed on, but I couldn’t decide between the other two.  The first to be evicted was Katia as expected.

Katia’s exit interview was extremely unrevealing.  Davina suggested that she should start thinking, which was pretty sound advice.  I think Davina realised that she wasn’t going to get anything out of her and was quite dismissive, which was fair enough.

The next to be evicted was Heidi.  It’s a bit of a shame as she was funnier stuff than Sov.  She seemed to have decided to wear pyjamas for her eviction, but she did give an entertaining interview.

How will the evictions affect the house?  I’ll see you tomorrow to find out.

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CBB 2010: Day 11

January 15, 2010 Leave a Comment

Stephanie and Vinnie had an early morning chat and she revealed that she wants to get rid of ‘the farting element’.

Heidi accused Alex of only going out with Jordan because she’s famous.  He said that he’d die for her (Jordan, not Heidi).

Jonas and Katia had a conversation on the smokers’ bench that I didn’t remotely understand.

Vinnie had a quiet word with Sov and advised her what to do to stay in the show.  It’s probably the first time that he’s spoken to her since the series began.

Heidi loves Vinnie and thinks he’s ‘so hot’.

Heidi told a story about when she had a bit of a rough time in prison.  One of the other inmates made dildos out of denture cream, Heidi somehow got involved, someone else threatened her about it, so she bought them coloured contact lenses to placate them.  I can only assume that this story was a coded message because it made no sense whatsoever.

Alex got a grilling about why he courts the press so much and why he tells them some of the stupid things that he does. He got lots of advice from all quarters and he just looked really tired.  Stephen summed Alex up with the statement: ‘Right now, you’re a frickin’ tossed salad.’

A big row broke out about Sov wanting to eat some corned beef.  Vinnie was not impressed with her.  The tension in the house is definitely building.

Stephanie said that this is the best holiday that she’s had for years.  I actually think she was being serious.

Sov made a complete mess of the corned beef.  It’s a crime to waste corned beef.

Vinnie kicked off some more about rationing and cooking the meals.  It all got a little bit tiresome.  Corned Beef-gate isn’t quite as dramatic as the Jade-Shilpa race row.

Since Vinnie reads the ‘Big Brother Welcome Pack’ twice a day, they gave him a mastermind style quiz to win luxury items.  He got most of the answers right but the prizes were rubbish.

The show ended with one of the most bizarre things I’ve seen on TV.  Alex started to tell Stephen about how he regrets some of the ‘evil things’ in his life and is confused.  Stephen didn’t waste the opportunity to get a conversion and talked Alex into recited a prayer for salvation.  I had to question whether this was really happening.  It was.  I can only assume that he’s gone completely stir crazy.  After the prayer, Alex did a De Niro face and nearly started crying.

Very emotional.

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CBB 2010: Day 10

January 14, 2010 Leave a Comment

The old folks task continued.  Their breakfast consisted of liquidised traditional English breakfast.  Yummy.

Am I weird for thinking that Nicola’s old woman dress quite suits her?

Stephanie put yesterday’s porridge down the toilet.  Why would you do that?

Stephen: ‘The bible says I can do anything I want to my wife.’  Nice.

Alex lost 6 fights in a row through ‘bad luck’.

The most Stephanie has ever been offered for sex is £40k.  Sounds like a bargain.

The first challenge of the day is for all residents to complete a pensioner’s assault course.  This involved drinking some sherry, riding a stairlift and bobbing for dumplings in cold stew.  This year’s tasks have been exemplary.

Sov finds prostitution ‘a bit degrading’.  She’s the new Germaine Greer.

Alex teases Katia about what she’d have to do to stay in the house (implying that he should have sex with Jonas).  It was too much like bullying for my liking.

Sov hid a tin of beans.  I was only half watching when they were discussing it, it was boring me a bit.

They had to do a special crossword where the clues were all insults that the housemates had called each other.  Yet another bizarre task designed purely to cause arguments.  It worked.

The old folks task finally came to an end.  The carers passed their part of the challenge, but the residents failed.  This meant that they were back on basic rations.

Katia and Jonas start flirting again.  Dane slagged her off when she was there, because he didn’t realise that she was there.  He had a point though.

Sorry for the slightly half-hearted nature of today’s post, I was trying to catch up.

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CBB 2010: Day 9

January 13, 2010 2 Comments

The housemates were woken with Pulp’s Help The Aged and discovered that the house had been transformed into an old people’s home.  The group were split up into residents and carers: Stephanie and Ivana, already being ‘pensioners’, were chosen to be the carers.

Sov’s main concern was that she might have to wear a skirt.  She’s got issues.

They all had to dress as old people (including wigs and make up).  They had to wear this at all times.  Whoever thinks up the tasks has got a great job.

The residents had to complete an armchair exercise class that was given by Mr Motivator on the telly.  Vinnie hates Mr Motivator.

Sisqo looks amazing as an old bloke.  He should stick with the look.

The first challenge of the day involved 5 of the residents playing a game of Countdown against the 2009 champion.  They bizarrely had a live link-up with the Countdown studio, presented by Jeff Stelling (sporting a trendy new haircut).  It was quite bizarre.  Dane got ‘brisket’, but was beaten by ‘tribades’.   I think the Countdown champ is a cyborg.  They inevitably lost, it was an impossible task.

The results of the nominations were revealed.  Heidi seemed pissed off even though she wanted to go.  Sov was upset about it and had a teary moment.  Katia just thought that everyone was immature because she flirted with Jonas.  No, I didn’t understand her logic either.

Alex: ‘I’m Alex Reid, Alex fucking Reid.’  Thanks for that.

Stephen implied that Nicola is evil, after yesterday’s nominations punishment fiasco.  He’s being a cock about it and I hope that he is big enough to admit he is wrong when confronted with the facts.

The housemates are really irritated by Stephanie and Ivana.  I’m not entirely sure why.  A lot of bickering ensued, but I kind of tuned out because it was getting on my nerves.

I’m slightly disturbed that Nicola’s fake bags under her eyes look like the actual bags under my eyes.  Do cucumber slices really work?

Jonas bashfully asked Sov if Katia has said anything about him.  Bless.

And that was that.

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