MBM – Short Romcom

August 5, 2010 by sherby57 Leave a Comment

Short Story – A Romcom

A man met a woman.

‘Hello,’ said the man.

‘Hi,’ said the woman.

They fell madly in love, as you do.  Then they had some ridiculous misunderstanding and the woman was going to move to another country or something.  Then the man got her back and they lived happily ever after.

Cue the amusing wedding montage.

This week’s MBM really stretches the boundaries about what can fit onto a milk bottle label.  I’m happy to report that this intense story of romance mixed with comedy has had a profound effect on the people of Warrington.  Young JLS (yes, the one from Team Extreme) recently overheard some women from the Health & Safety team discussing the label.  They described it as “random” and “would love to know who wrote it”.  Perhaps they’ll never find out that it was I, LeClerc, who wrote it, but I’m sure that my words will stay with them forever.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

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Team Extreme – Episode 3: Cozzy’s Caravan

July 20, 2010 by sherby57 2 Comments

It’s been over a month since the last installment of Team Extreme.  Like a fine wine, you simply can’t rush these things.  You also have to give the chaps chance to have adventures in order for me to write about them.  I know you all love T.E., but you’re going to to have to learn to be more patient.

Team Extreme hurtled along the motorway in a fully-loaded Extremobile.  Along with the usual stash of Uzi 9mm’s and phased plasma rifles (in the 40w range), there were buckets, spades and deckchairs.  Young JLS had even brought along a picnic including some delicious cakes made by his lovely girlfriend.  Eed insisted that he didn’t want a cake because he’d had a big breakfast.  Big Poppa P wasn’t so sure.  He felt that Eed was looking extremely gaunt.  It was all very worrying.  Yes, Team Extreme were heading for the seaside.

It wasn’t just a pleasant day trip for our dashing heroes.  No, the team were investigating the alleged ghost that Cozzy had spotted in their Anglesey HQ\caravan.  They had hoped to bring along distinguished scouse medium Derek Acroah to help out, but this wasn’t possible for fear of legal ramifications.   Instead, they had drafted in local Welsh psychic (and POB’s cousin), Taffy “Spooky” O’Baffy.

Upon arrival at the secure location\camp-site, the team disembarked from their magnificent vehicular vehicle.  Goot immediately looked to establish a wifi connection, hoping to get a line-of-sight connection to T.E.H.Q. back in Warrington.   He was very optimistic when it came to these things.    JLS and Webbo started unpacking the picnic and deck chairs.  Sure, they had a ghost to catch, but this didn’t mean that they couldn’t try and get a tan too.  POB met up with Spooky, and the old comrades embraced.  The familial resemblance was striking; they both had identical muzzys.  Cozzy looked terrified.  Seeing the ghost had really freaked him out and he was reluctant to return.  He strapped a proton pack to his back (actually a hand-held vacuum cleaner) and inched closer to the caravan.  He slowly slid the key into the lock and gently opened the door.  Nothing happened.

Big Poppa P, something of a sceptic, marched straight into the caravan and determined that there was no spectral presence and commenced with the festivities of making a brew.  Soon afterwards, POB and Spooky entered the tin shack and the medium immediately began convulsing and seemingly received messages from the other side.  He claimed that the spirit had once tried to have a massive dump on the chemical toilet and had slipped.  The corrosive faeces-melting chemicals instantly dissolved his body.  His soul had remained trapped ever since.  Big Poppa P pointed out that the caravan had a flushing toilet and so he was clearly lying.  Spooky’s face flushed (much like a toilet) and his shame was evident.  He admitted that he did it just because he wanted a bit of attention and hoped that somebody would buy him some Crispy Pancakes for helping them talk to dead relatives.  It seemed as though things were done and dusted until Cozzy pointed out that he had still seen a ghost! Could it be that there was still a haunting a happening?

No.  Big Poppa P simply used his Columboesque skills to see what was really happened.  Cozzy had a framed photo of David Hasselhoff on the caravan wall and this had been knocked off onto the kitchen floor.  In a drunken stupor, Cozzy had mistaken the Knight Rider star’s face as the manifestation of a man who got melted by a toilet.  It was a mistake that anyone could make.

With the business all sorted within 3 minutes, Team Extreme settled down to enjoy their picnic and the sun.  Spooky was sent home for being a bit of a dick.  It was a wonderful day… until they received some distressing news.

…to be continued.

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Are you new to Team Extreme and are unsure of all the different characters?  You can check out the fact files for the gang, here:

POB, Hitchers, JLS and Goot: here

Eed, Webbo, Theo, Cozzy and Big Poppa P (avec beard): here

Hot Toddy, Mr Norris and Andre: here

You can buy a Team Extreme t-shirt, here.

You can read all the Team Extreme Posts by clicking here.

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Post Recycling – June 2009

June 28, 2010 by sherby57 2 Comments

June 2009 started for PSGOM with my first ever comedy review, Paul Kerensa at The Brindley in Runcorn.  It’s slightly too concerned with the mechanics of actually going to to the gig, rather than the gig itself, but I had to start somewhere.  From a personal point of view, it’s probably one of the last occasions that I had a glass of ‘full-fat’ coke, because of this.  It’s hard to remember now just how addicted I was to the fizzy, brown, stuff.

In an early pre-cursor to my Waffle posts, I wrote about the harrowing, and misunderstood, problem of Cheese Fascism.  If you don’t like cheese, then you’ve got a real problem in this so-called society that we live in.  Cheese haters unite!

From time to time, PSGOM features some guest material, such as the following discovered by Team Extreme’s very own JLS.  Yes, we take a look into the sinister world of the PTC (Pony Tail Club), as we ask, Francis Rossi – Traitor? You’d have to say that the leaflet certainly sends mixed messages, but I’m sure it was a very emotional time for them all.

This was the month that saw the birth of the Milk Bottle Manifesto, which was something of a master-stroke, if I do say so myself. It allowed me to combine something I was already doing (writing stupid milk bottle labels) with the creation of very quick blog posts.  I had hoped that the MBM would have spread worldwide by now, causing mayhem and intellectual debate in and around office fridges.  This doesn’t seem to have happened, despite some valiant efforts by Dr Angel.  The first two entries in the MBM were “I Like To Wear Silk” and ” Whoopsie In My Beret“.  It’s really stirring stuff and I’m shocked that they haven’t provoked some kind of worker’s revolution.  Whoopsie In My Beret actually gets a surprising amount of hits; there must be a lot of Frank Spencer fans out there.

There’s not much I can say about the post “I Don’t Like To Brag, But…“, except to say that those are my initials in the article and the Daily Star have never been known to be wrong.  Ladies of the world, beware of my erotic talents.

This month saw PSGOM’s most popular post ever.  I say “popular”, but it would be more accurate to describe it as the post that contains the most references to penises and so generates the highest number of hits.  Yes, it’s the infamous Sex Sells: The Mr Banana Penis Story.  If you’ve ever wondered what a man looks like with a banana for a penis then this is the post for you.  Who is the mysterious Mr B-P, and what is his connection to Team Extreme?  Study the photo carefully, the answer is there for you all to see.

This week sees my one year anniversary of being on Twitter, as recorded in the post Bit Of A Twit.  I won’t be having a party, but presents will be gratefully accepted.  Twitter is a weird thing, and as I pointed out earlier this week, it’s a hard thing to explain to those that don’t use it.  If you’re not on there, my advice is to get an account, follow a load of people you’re interested in and get tweeting.  In 52 weeks time you’ll bloody love it.

You can read all of June 2009′s posts, here.

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Team Extreme – Episode 2: McNulty!

June 11, 2010 by sherby57 2 Comments

If you haven’t yet read episode 1, then please click here.  Don’t forget, there are 4 “I *heart* Team Extreme” badges left to be claimed from my personage.  Congratulations to Emma for getting the first one.

The atmosphere in the Team Extreme HQ was sticky with anticipation.  The nervous energy was palpable, especially from young JLS who didn’t seem to be able to handle the disruption to his usual routine.  Big Poppa P kept a watchful eye over his young apprentice, to ensure that he didn’t crumble into gibbering wreck.  The arrival of McNulty was playing on all of their minds.

POB supervised as Goot and Webbo carefully hung a “Welcome McNulty!” banner above the fireplace.  POB was concerned that they hadn’t taken a copy of the banner, in case anything happened to it.

“You’re only as good as your last backup!” exclaimed the moustachioed leader.

“Actually, you’re only as good as your last verified backup,” retorted Webbo.  Nobody present could disagree with the assessment of the situation.

Eed sat and watched from the comfort of the sofa.  He was looking painfully thin, bordering on skeletal.  He’d managed to avoid any further inquisitions from Big Poppa P about his eating habits.  It was all very worrying.   Cozzy was on his phone to Derek Acorah, the famous scouse pyschic.  He was discussing the possibilty of a ghost invading the Team’s Angelsey retreat.  He was worried that the ghost was going to get stuck in his kayak.  I won’t go into details of the conversation, but you can only imagine that Team Extreme will go and investigate the ghostly goings on in a subsequent episode, so don’t worry.

The doorbell rang.  Everybody froze.  This wasn’t particularly conducive to the door being answered, so Big Poppa P pulled himself together and went to see who was there.  Could it be the mysterious McNulty?

Yes, it could.

Yes, it was!

McNulty strode into the parlour like a angry lion being forced to watch the Chuckle Brothers.  His eyes immediately locked onto the welcome banner that T.E. had taken so long to create.  JLS shed a little tear of happiness that their hard work was being appreciated.  The happiness wasn’t to last long.

“That banner is blue,” exploded McNulty.  ”Everybody knows that banners should be red! You people are pathetic. I can’t believe you had a blue banner.  It’s not even hung straight.”

JLS openly wept.  This time, his tears were full of sorrow.

“Anyway, I’m outta here,” continued the ranting McNulty.  ”I’ve already been seconded to the same mission as Hitchers and Theo.  You’re going to need a sub-sub.”

With that, he left the HQ, with the entire team shaken to their very core.  What on earth would they do now?

To be continued…

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Are you new to Team Extreme and are unsure of all the different characters?  You can check out the fact files for the gang, here:

POB, Hitchers, JLS and Goot: here

Eed, Webbo, Theo, Cozzy and Big Poppa P (avec beard): here

Hot Toddy, Mr Norris and Andre: here

You can buy a Team Extreme t-shirt, here.

You can read all the Team Extreme Posts by clicking here.

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Team Extreme – Episode 1: A Quiet Morning

May 27, 2010 by sherby57 3 Comments

Due to an overwhelming public demand following last week’s tale, Team Extreme Versus The Nazis, I’m now proud to present the first episode in an ongoing series of Team Extreme Stories.  It’s important that these stories are fully interactive with the fans, and with the various members of Team Extreme, so if you have any suggestions on where the stories should go, then please leave a comment.  Enjoy:

It was a quiet morning in Team Extreme HQ.  This was an “extremely” rare event for our plucky heroes, so they chose to make the most of it by lounging around and drinking tea.  After all, they’re only human, no matter what the newspaper reports may say.

Goot had decided to upgrade the firmware in the team’s microwave, as he had read on a forum that it would give it a 3-watt power boost.  He was almost giddy with excitement and everybody else stayed out of his way.  POB was hard at working preparing a proposal to have an emergency generator attached to the HQ to ensure that the team always had electricity for their arsenal of kettles.  Having a brew was essential to running a successful black-ops military unit.  It seemed that POB was always planning for additional generators or air conditioning.  Indeed, Cozzy claimed that he’d never heard him talk about anything else.  Speaking of Cozzy, he was busy reading the manual for the Extremobile – the team’s hi-tech vehicle – as he had recently been accused of driving it incorrectly.  The Extremobile’s temporal drive had burnt out and they cost a fortune to replace – time machines don’t come cheap.

Big Poppa P saw Eed sitting alone at the dining table, gingerly nibbling on a carrot stick.  He decided that he needed to intervene.

‘Eed, me old china,’ said the Popster, bumping fists with his old compadre.  ’I can’t help but notice that you’ve only had two carrot sticks for your dinner for the last two days.  Is there something wrong?’

‘No, no,’ protested Eed, somewhat unconvincingly.  ’Two carrots sticks is plenty of food for me, they’ve really filled me up.’  Big Poppa P couldn’t hide the disbelief from his eyes.

‘That surely can’t be enough food for a growing lad,’ he said.  ’There’s something going on here that I need to get to the bottom of.’

Before the interrogation could continue, young JLS came running into the room.

‘Guys, guys,’ said the young whipper-snapper.  ’We all need to gather in the meeting room, quickly.  We’re about to receive an important message.’  Big Poppa P could see that the inexperienced recruit almost had tears in his eyes at the enormity of the message.  He didn’t want to upset the lad any more than necessary, so he decided that his questions for Eed could wait and they all hurried to the meeting room.

The rest of the team were already there when the trio arrived and they all sat impatiently in front of the Extrematron – the team’s futuristic communication device.  In a flash, the screen began to pulsate and they started to receive a transmission from The Elder, the team’s mysterious overlord.   Two of the team’s members, Hitchers and Theo, had recently been assigned to a top secret mission that the rest of Team Extreme weren’t privy to.  Some of the chaps suspected that Hitchers was finally planning that BBQ he had been promising them for months, but nothing was confirmed.  They all anticipated further information from The Elder, and they weren’t disappointed.

‘Team Extreme,’  began the shadowy puppetmaster. ‘Your ranks have recently been depleted, as two of your members have been moved onto a special…project.  Well, the world needs Team Extreme for protection and so I’m sending you a replacement.  You should expect McNulty within the hour.’  And with that, the transmission abruptly ended.

There were gasps of bewilderment around the room.  Who was this enigmatic McNulty and what would his presence mean for Team Extreme?

To be continued…

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Are you new to Team Extreme and are unsure of all the different characters?  You can check out the fact files for the gang, here:

POB, Hitchers, JLS and Goot: here

Eed, Webbo, Theo, Cozzy and Big Poppa P (avec beard): here

Hot Toddy, Mr Norris and Andre: here

You can buy a Team Extreme t-shirt, here.

You can read all the Team Extreme Posts by clicking here.

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Team Extreme Versus The Nazis

May 18, 2010 by sherby57 5 Comments

There has been scant information about Team Extreme in the news recently, which has led many of their fans to worry about their whereabouts.  Well, worry yourselves no more.  The chaps have been away on an extremely dangerous mission and I can exclusively reveal an extract from an upcoming novel based on their exploits.  Please enjoy Team Extreme Versus The Nazis:

‘It’s no good,’ said Goot, his pony-tail swinging majestically in the breeze.  ’The firmware on the time machine is completely frazzled.  I’m afraid to say that we’re stuck in 1944.’

‘Woah,’ said POB, pensively stroking his magnificent moustache.  ’Has this been through Change?  I hope you did a backup before you set the space-time coordinates.’  Goot looked decidedly sheepish and POB, the team’s heroic leader, knew that he hadn’t followed the procedures.  There was literally no place in the procedure for this kind of behaviour, but it was no time to dwell on what had gone wrong.  Team Extreme prided itself on not having a blame culture.  POB decisively ordered his men to assume their combat ready positions.  It was good to be prepared for the worst. Normandy was not a good place to be in 1944.  They expected trouble.

JLS, Team Extreme’s newest recruit paced nervously around their makeshift encampment.  It could even be said that he looked at the point of tears.  But don’t mock, this wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.  It was the youngster’s first experience of time-travel and the whole process was not only disorientating, but terrifying, even for the most hardened of combat vets.  Just when he thought he was going to snap, JLS felt a reassuring hand rest firmly on his shoulder.  It was Big Poppa P, who had come to pass on some of his battle-forged wisdom.  In situations like this, words simply weren’t necessary.  Just being able to look into such a ruggedly handsome face with that lustrous mane of hair blowing fearlessly in the French wind was enough to calm the most bilious of stomachs.  JLS managed to eke out a wan smile of thanks.  Big Poppa P just shook his head.  A man such as he did not need thanking.

As the hours passed, the team became increasingly restless.  They were men of action and all of this idleness did not sit well.  Cozzy, the unit’s enforcer, was becoming particularly enraged.  It has been over six hours since his last protein shake and he needed to pump some iron soon, or he would rip someone’s head off.  Luckily, he didn’t have long to wait. Eed, Team Extreme’s communications expert, had managed to intercept some rogue enemy transmissions.  He told the team that a panzer division was heading their way.  And, to make matters worse, it was being led not only by Hitler, himself, but by their arch-enemy, Mr Norris.  The world had never seen such a dastardly duo and it would be a challenge for even Team Extreme to stop them.

This was going to be the battle of a life-time.  Only time would tell how many of them would get out of this alive…

To find out more about Team Extreme, then please click here.

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Flight of the Conchords @ Manchester Apollo – 8th May 2010

May 9, 2010 by sherby57 4 Comments

You may remember me complaining about being unable to get tickets for Flight of the Conchords a couple of months ago (and if you can’t, click here).  I was gutted.  But, since I’m about to write a review about their gig, I think you’ll probably be able to work out that I managed to get some.  Many thanks to JLS’s friends for letting me have their spares.  You were literally lifesavers.  Not literally, but I was chuffed to be able to go.

Despite really wanting to go, I was a bit unsure how the gig would actually go.  The problem with a comedy band is that you’ve heard most of the songs before and so the jokes aren’t going to make you laugh as much as when you first heard them.  I’ve listened to their first album so much that I know many of the songs word-for-word.  Would it just be like hearing them repeat ‘garlic bread?’ over and over again?

Anyway, after some automotive problems, Dr. Angel and myself decamped to Manchester; both of us were mightily relieved that we were going to see New Zealand’s fourth most popular comedy folk duo – even though we were on the back row of the rear circle.

The show was opened by US comic Eugene Mirman, who, after a bit of a slow start, delivered some really funny material; his pointless billboards material was particularly funny.  As with many support acts, much of the audience was uninterested, regardless of the quality.  I’d definitely like to see Mirman again, but next time in a more intimate venue with a willing audience.

Then we got the Conchords themselves and any fears that I had were almost immediately allayed.  Whatever was lost through familiarity was more than made up for in musicianship and performance.  The Conchords secret weapon is that, unlike most musical-based comedy, their songs are actually really good.  A particular highlight for me was the introduction of a new bit in Robots.  I won’t say what it was because I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it made me literally guffaw.  Apart from the songs, we also got lots of deadpan banter between Bret and Jermaine, and this provided enough new material in itself.  We also got to hear a few new songs and it was pleasing to see that they had maintained their high standards.

There were a few downsides to the gig that were totally unrelated to the band.  Firstly there was a particularly crackly speaker in our section that made some of the talking sections nearly inaudible.  Then there were the large number of insaniacs that populated the rear circle.  There was a constant stream of people getting up from their seats for much of the show, to the extent that the Doc and I were speechless in our contempt of them.  To make this distraction worse was the two guys who decided to have a really loud conversation, which somehow managed to drown out the show.  We were baffled.  People were acting as if there just happened to be a covers band on in the corner of the pub, rather than them actually being at a highly sought out gig.  Absolute idiots.

There was also a bit of a lull around halfway through the gig, and the duo seemed to get a bit frustrated with some sections of the crowd.  It was difficult to tell from where we were, as it was impossible to gauge the atmosphere of the stalls, so maybe this just came across as worse than it actually was.  Luckily, the boys provided a barnstorming finish and everybody went home happy.

It’s a rare act that can combine comedy with songs that you’ll actually want to listen to.  If you ever get chance to see the Flight of the Conchords then I highly recommend that you do.  Just try and avoid the rear circle.

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More Book Stuff + Lulu Advice

May 6, 2010 by sherby57 4 Comments

Exciting news! I have now sold a grand total of 2 copies of my book to people who are not me.  I’m not sure what the rules are, but I’m pretty sure that I’m now allowed to use the phrase “best-selling author” on my CV.  Genuine thanks go out to Joanne and Joe (aka JLS from Team Extreme) for actually bothering.  I’m sure that you’ll both get your just rewards for being such fine, upstanding members of society.  I do expect them both to write glowing reviews of the book that I can publish on here as testimonials.  I also expect a similar review from Dr Angel who has her own copy of the wonderful work of literature.  She earned her complimentary copy of the book by being the only person who’s ever shown any sustained interest in The World of Sherby57.  I couldn’t have done it without her.

Anyway, enough with the sentimentality, let’s carry on with some more tedious book related news.  It probably isn’t a good marketing technique to mention this, but I did learn something valuable about self-publishing with Lulu.com:  make double sure that you’ve picked the most appropriate paper size for your book.

There are several options of book size on Lulu and I settled on “pocket” for no particular reason.  Many of the sizes were so similar that I pretty much picked at random.  However I had a few formatting problems when trying to upload my ‘manuscript’ to the web-site and so, out of frustration, I decided to re-format from a different template.  I picked A5, simply because it was the one I had heard of.  Luckily, this time I was able to upload and publish successfully.

However, at a later date, I was browsing on Lulu and spotted a book with a similar number of pages to mine that was significantly cheaper.  I investigated to see how they had achieved it and it was simply down to the paper size.  I don’t really understand why such similar sized books should vary so much in price.  For example, the manufacturing cost of a 100-page A5 book is £7.35; the price for a similar 100-page Pocket book is £2.98.  The size of A5 is 5.8″ x 8.2″.  The size of Pocket is 4.2″ x 6.8″.  It doesn’t make any sense to me either.  Just make sure you choose wisely.

Anyway, I can only apologise for my crapness.  If I’ve not completely put you off, you can buy a copy of my book from here.  There’s a very nifty preview of the first 12 pages, so go and have a nosy.

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Jamie Oliver\Sid James

May 5, 2010 by sherby57 4 Comments

Jamie Oliver is wearing his Sid James hat and sunglasses again. There’s really no call for it. He’s just got cuttlefish ink everywhere. He’s such a buffoon. He’s also the chef that is most pleased with his own work. Has he ever cooked a dish without saying “I’m really proud of that” afterwards? No, I didn’t think so.

I can’t really moan too much because, at the end of the day, I am sat here watching his stupid programme. If I slag him off too much then I’ll just make myself look an idiot. And he’s not that bad, is he? He bangs lemons about before squeezing them, and that’s not to be sniffed at.

Ah. This is what my Wednesday nights have come to. Lay on the sofa, watching Jamie Oliver and writing a blog post about it. I’m writing it on my phone because I’m too tired to move. Won’t somebody come and make me a brew? It’s quite inhumane how I’m being treated.

I’ve just had a text message from JLS that said: “Spaghetti and shells – how on earth do you eat that! Im watching jamie by the way!” He’s 100% right. What a completely mental meal. You can’t eat such a thing. It’s totally impossible. The fool.

Anyway, I’m off. The Halifax FM advert has just been on and it’s made me want to kill myself. I’m going to have to make myself a brew instead. Thanks for nothing.

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Post Recycling – January 2009

January 13, 2010 by sherby57 Leave a Comment

As I’ve not yet watched last night’s Celebrity Big Brother, I thought I’d take a look back at what I was doing last January.  It turns out that I was mainly talking about Celebrity Big Brother.

2009 started with the post, The Can’t Be Arsed Factor, in which I finally got around to discussing The X Factor final.  And by discussing it, I actually mean that I discussed why I would not be writing about it.  There was definitely some blog fatigue creeping in at this point.

Before the CBB madness kicked in, I wrote a piece about the recently revealed new Dr Who in
New Who.  I don’t really know why I wrote it, I think I was probably just trying to be a bit topical.

My first CBB post was Bore Me More in which I explained why I like it even though it was uneventful.  This is certainly applicable to this year’s series too.  The rest of the month’s posts take the form of CBB ‘poles’.  After vehemently disagreeing with the Daily Star’s ranking of houstemates, Team Extreme’s JLS and myself created our own version.  I’m not going to list them all, but you can see an example, here.  We’re so creative.

This month’s Post Recycling is pretty short as I’m trying to write it in my half an hour dinner, but just wait until you see how short next months post is going to be.

You can read all the posts from January 2009, here.

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