CBB 2010: Day 14

January 18, 2010 Leave a comment

Is there part of me that regrets inadvertently committing to writing about CBB every day? That would be an affirmative.  Anyway, on with the show…

Vinnie and Dane discussed Jordan and Alex.  It could be argued that they were being a bit harsh towards Alex, but you have to say that they were pretty spot on with their assessment.

Sov got an egg when she wasn’t supposed to.  Dane picked her up on it, but she wasn’t the least bit bothered.  She’s like a big kid and the endless arguments about food are getting old fast.

It was time for nominations:

Nicola:
Stephen – she can’t explain it, but he’s strange toward her (he’s a bit of a sleaze).
Sov – she’s not a team player and she walked out of the meeting early.

Sov:
Ivana – she treats her like a kid.
Stephanie – err, everything.

Stephanie:
Sov – she’s not a team player and is selfish.
Jonas – she’s found his behaviour (with Katia) difficult to deal with and can’t stand the scatalogical humour.

Sisqo:
Ivana – always wants to have her say and favours Alex.
Nicola – preoccupied with her life outside the house (she’s never mentioned it in the edited highlights) and is always mentioning her boyfriend.

Ivana:
Johan (Jonas) – he ran in the garden naked and it offended her (so why not nominate Alex, too??)
Nicola – something to do with tea bags.

Alex:
Sov – not a team player.
Sisqo – because Alex is the hunkiest man and he can’t have an American winning (no, me neither).

Stephanie and Ivana discuss how much fun it is to shop from catalogues and list many of the things you can buy in them.  Quite bizarre.

Dane:
Sov – she’s inconsiderate.
Ivana – she’s a worrier.

Jonas:
Sisqo – he’s a show off and talks about money all the time.
Sov – she’s very ‘unresponsible’ and steals fags.

Vinnie:
Alex – he’s in training and he eats too much.
Nicola – she’s an unintentional stirrer (I cannot believe that he hasn’t nominated Sov)

Stephen:
Nicola – she looks out for herself and pretends to be a team player
Dame (Dane) – same as Nicola

So, the housemates up for eviction are Sov (5 votes) and Nicola (4).  I think it’s a bit harsh on Nicola, actually.  She looks like a poorly girl in a film.

Dane attempted to do the big brother voice.  Perhaps the worst impression of all time.  And that’s coming from me.

Alex challenged Stephen about proving the existence of god.  This prompted one of his rubbish, nonsensical sermons.  I couldn’t summarise it if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.

They got mis-fortune cookies, which revealed the results of the nominations. Nicola looked like she knew it was coming.  All female nominees again.  Hmm, it must mean something.

Jonas uses the word unresponsible again.  I like it.  He also sniffed Katia’s pilow.  Sov attempted to get her cigarette rations early by straddling him.  Bah.  Poor Jonas.

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CBB 2010: Day 13

January 17, 2010 Leave a comment

Vinnie and Stephanie start the day with their customary early morning chat.  Incredibly, they were still going on about corned beef.

Katia got back in bed with Jonas for the final time.  I won’t be sorry to see her go.

Stephen gives the group some culinary advice; when you get a freshly laid egg you just wash the crap off and then it’s an egg.  It was an absolute revelation.

Speaking of eggs, Sov wanted one for breakfast instead of at tea.  This only prompts another debate about how selfish she is.  Sov then reveals that she loves her tits.

Vinnie called a house meeting to finally draw a line under the whole cooking\rationing\corned beef situation.  Dane admitted that they’ve tried to let people have what they want, but it hasn’t worked.  Sov consistently failed to grasp the magnitude of the corned beef scandal.  Things remained very civilised and they all voted to going back to having set team meals.  Aren’t the all supposed to have a massive slanging match?  The producers must be disappointed.  The only person to make any fuss is, surprise surprise, Sov, who left before they’d finished the meeting.  It seems clear that the majority of housemates are getting a bit sick of her.  All she had to say was ‘Suck my titties’, I think she’s really summed the situation up to perfection.

Nicola would rather listen to Vinnie than to herself because he’s a big man and she’s a little div.  This made me genulol.

Ivana revealed that Donald Trump didn’t want his first child to be called Donald in case he turned out to be a loser.

We get to the evictions and Katia goes home first.  Jonas looked gutted and went and sat alone in the bathroom, close to tears.  Heidi summed Katia up: ‘She had the chance to not just be someone’s girlfriend and she spent the whole time just trying to be someone’s girlfriend.’

Sisqo tried to console Jonas: ‘I’d be upset giving up those titties, too.’   Don’t worry, he was joking.

The second eviction happened and, as we know, Heidi went home.  Stephanie looked appalled that Sov was still in the house.  Then all the others decided to look appalled.  I think it’s clear who’s getting nominated next.

The housemates were thrown a party to celebrate the evictions.  They played some Basshunter: he looked embarrassed and Ivana danced with Sisqo.  Then they all grooved to ‘The Thong Song’.  Alex slow danced Jonas, who then made a speech about missing Kat.  Jonas said that Kat was one of the top three kissers in his life.  Then he went to the diary room to say that he feels empty and that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.  Snap out of it, mate.

The show ended with Sisqo and Sov having an incomprehensible conversation about battles and wars. I think they must have been pissed.

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CBB 2010: Day 9

January 13, 2010 2 Comments

The housemates were woken with Pulp’s Help The Aged and discovered that the house had been transformed into an old people’s home.  The group were split up into residents and carers: Stephanie and Ivana, already being ‘pensioners’, were chosen to be the carers.

Sov’s main concern was that she might have to wear a skirt.  She’s got issues.

They all had to dress as old people (including wigs and make up).  They had to wear this at all times.  Whoever thinks up the tasks has got a great job.

The residents had to complete an armchair exercise class that was given by Mr Motivator on the telly.  Vinnie hates Mr Motivator.

Sisqo looks amazing as an old bloke.  He should stick with the look.

The first challenge of the day involved 5 of the residents playing a game of Countdown against the 2009 champion.  They bizarrely had a live link-up with the Countdown studio, presented by Jeff Stelling (sporting a trendy new haircut).  It was quite bizarre.  Dane got ‘brisket’, but was beaten by ‘tribades’.   I think the Countdown champ is a cyborg.  They inevitably lost, it was an impossible task.

The results of the nominations were revealed.  Heidi seemed pissed off even though she wanted to go.  Sov was upset about it and had a teary moment.  Katia just thought that everyone was immature because she flirted with Jonas.  No, I didn’t understand her logic either.

Alex: ‘I’m Alex Reid, Alex fucking Reid.’  Thanks for that.

Stephen implied that Nicola is evil, after yesterday’s nominations punishment fiasco.  He’s being a cock about it and I hope that he is big enough to admit he is wrong when confronted with the facts.

The housemates are really irritated by Stephanie and Ivana.  I’m not entirely sure why.  A lot of bickering ensued, but I kind of tuned out because it was getting on my nerves.

I’m slightly disturbed that Nicola’s fake bags under her eyes look like the actual bags under my eyes.  Do cucumber slices really work?

Jonas bashfully asked Sov if Katia has said anything about him.  Bless.

And that was that.

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CBB 2010: Day 8

January 12, 2010 Leave a comment

The housemates were woken with the news that they are going to nominate (Ivana is exempt).  They go into the diary room in weight order, lightest first.

Nicola:
Sisqo – He makes it clear that he thinks she’s dumb.
Katia – She finds it hard to make conversation with her.

Sov:
Heidi – She sleeps more than she speaks.
Alex – She gets no response when she tries to speak to him.

Katia:
Nicola –  She’s acting dumber than she actually is.  And she sang Puppy Love at her.
Stephanie – She stifles their stupid conversations and is a fusspot.

Heidi:
She introduced her nominations as being ‘really mean’.
Swov (I assume she meant Sov) – She has two extra teeth.  No, really.
Stephanie – She’s obnoxious and is judgemental.

Stephanie:
Jonas – ‘The continual anal humour.’
Katia – ‘She is a beautiful orchid with no roots of her own.’  Perhaps the most poetic nomination in the history of BB.

Sisqo:
Heidi – She sleeps all day.
Dean (Dane) – He has a melancholy personality and is too neutral.

Jonas:
Heidi – She doesn’t do anything.
Sisqo – He keeps talking about his multi-million selling albums and the bragging is annoying.

Taking a break from nominations, Ivana reveals that she sings her dog a song every day: ‘Tiger tiger poopy doopy doo.’  It could be the new Insania.

Dane:
Katia – She doesn’t get involved.
Stephen – He pushes his beliefs too aggressively.

Alex:
Heidi – She doesn’t get involved.
Sov –  She seems unhappy.

Vinnie:
Heidi – He’s kept her here for a week, by looking after her, but she’s not doing anything.
Stephen – ‘He’s a lovely fella but he’s too much on the old ear lobe.’

Stephen:
Sov – She doesn’t participate in the chores.
Jonas – He’s done nothing but build a snowman.

And that was the nominations process completed.  Heidi (5 nominations), Sov (3) and Katia (3) will be up for eviction on Friday.  Two housemates will be evicted.  Is it meaningful that they’re all women?

Katia talked to Sov about being sexually frustrated but she wanted to dump Jonas.  She thought he was being immature.  She took him to one side and told him that they need to ‘stop it’.  I felt like I was watching some really cringey teen drama.  Jonas looked devastated.

Dane was in the middle of cooking some burgers for the group, when everyone was made to go into the bedroom.  When they were released, about half an hour later, all the food was gone.  As there had been several conversations about nominations, they were being punished.  They were given ’emergency rations’.

Stephen tried to blame Nicola for breaking the rules, and accused her of having selective memory about what was said.  Clearly upset, she went to the diary room to confirm whether she had broken the rules and what was actually said.  She hadn’t broken them and she confronted Stephen about it. His reply was that Big Brother was lying.  They beautiful forgiving and honest Christian morals at work.

Jonas and Alex decided to get naked and run around in the garden.  I’m guessing that Jonas was trying to put a brave face on being dumped by acting wacky.  Alex probably just jumped at the chance to show off.

The show ended with Katia discussing Jonas and she revealed that she ‘liked him properly’ for one or two days.  She came across like a twelve year-old.  I’d be stunned if she’s not evicted on Friday.

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CBB 2010: Day 7

January 11, 2010 Leave a comment

The day starts with Stephen being amazed by Ivana’s exercise ball. This is not a euphemism.

Jonas went to the diary room to talk about Katia.  He thinks that he’s met a soulmate.  Part of me thinks that he’s putting on a big elaborate act, but maybe I’m just too cynical.

Heidi started to talk about leaving, saying that she can’t take it any more.

Vinnie told Alex that he could hurt more people by singing at them than by fighting.

Incredibly, but necessarily, they actually put subtitles on screen when Ivana speaks.  It’s still a mystery why they chose her as a housemate.

Stephanie: ‘People judge you by your carrier bags.’  She’s just so right.

The housemates have saved the icing off a cake to use as sugar in their brews.  British ingenuity at its best.  Nothing comes in the way of having a perfect brew.

Heidi went to the diary room to say that she wants to leave.  Big Brother told her to go and talk to the other housemates about it.  I’m slightly baffled as to what has actually happened to Heidi’s face.

The tree of temptation struck again.  It offered Alex the chance to win an hour on his punch bag if he ‘kicked the shit out of the snowman’ and ‘smash it up, Bruce Lee stylee’.  If he didn’t do it then
everyone would be punished.  He also had to keep it all secret.

Jonas did an amazing Arnie impression.  I now want him to win purely for that.

Alex smashed the snowman up to the horrified screams of the others.  Then Jonas said that it was a secret task and Dane said that the tree told him to do it.  The tree is going to have to be a lot
sneakier if it wants to stir up some trouble.  When Alex came back into the house, Nicola asked him if his legs were bleeding.  Random.

Heidi went back to the diary room wearing what looked like an unfastened straight jacket.  She’s decided to stay.

Katia and Jonas had a vague smooch in the bedroom.  She seemed quite reluctant, but it’s not clear if it’s because she feels embarrassed or if she’s not interested.  Sov was sat on a bed watching them.  Then Stephen came along and felt Jonas’ bum.  Lovely.

Ivana walked in on Stephen in the toilet: ‘good position!’  The mind boggles as to what sort of position he was actually in.

Fact of the day: One hour on a punchbag makes you very sweaty.

Alex had to come up with an excuse for where he had been when on the punchbag, as he still had to keep it secret.  His master-plan was to say that he sang a song and danced for an hour as a punishment for smashing up the snowman.  Unsurprisingly, the others didn’t fall for it.

The housemates had a ‘pub night’ where they had to discuss given topics.  On discussing war, Alex revealed that he wants to use his ’celebrity’ to change the world by making life changing films.  I’m
not sure in which way these films would change your life.   Heidi revealed that she loves plastic surgery.  No comment.

Vinnie and Stephanie had a late night discussion in the kitchen.  Vinnie said that he’s come in the house so that people can see what he’s really like, whether they like him or not.

And that was about it.  It’s been a slightly strange, slightly boring CBB so far, and yet I’m still hooked.  I can’t really explain that.

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CBB 2010: Day 6

January 10, 2010 2 Comments

Another day, another episode of Celebrity Big Brother to write about.

The day started with everyone staring at Kat and Jonas in bed together.  It’s quite difficult to be secretive when you’re sharing a bedroom with 10 other people.

Katia: ‘I don’t want to lead anyone on.’  It’s a bit late for that, love.

Vinnie gaves Alex a grilling about some of the things he’s said to the media.  It made him very nervous.  Vinnie seems to be constantly having digs at him.  Is it just banter or something more?  Vinnie also said that he blanks Katia.  What a nice man.

We got to see Dane and Alex practising Especially For You.  Painful.

Stephanie was given the task of performing a stand up routine in the variety show.  She invited Stephen into the lavatory to help her rehearse.  He’s now an expert on how to do stand up, as well as everything else.

Sov kicked off about having to wear a magician’s assistant outfit to be a magician’s assistant.  This seemed even more petulant than Sisqo’s ass-out tantrum.  She looked really upset when she went to complain about it in the diary room, apparently she has a phobia of dresses.

By the way, they did the variety show that we saw on yesterday’s live show.  I won’t go into any more details, it was completely rubbish.  Apart from Sisqo, who was hilarious as the magician.  Whether he was being intentionally funny or not I have no idea.

As I said yesterday, Ivana Trump appeared.  Jonas looked deeply disturbed, I don’t know why.

A few minutes later and Jonas still looked disturbed.  I still don’t know why.

Sov was kept in the diary room while Ivana ‘appeared’.  She amused herself by making cat noises.  You can’t blame her.

The whole Jonas and Katia scenario is getting really cringey.  He’s acting like he’s completely besotted with her, she acts all embarrassed and like she isn’t interested, and then she ends up cuddling him.  The show ended with them in bed together again and seemingly they were properly kissing.  I don’t think that it’s going to end well.

It was a bit of a dull episode really, but I still find myself totally fascinated by the goings on.

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CBB 2010: Day 5 and Live Shows

January 9, 2010 5 Comments

The show started with Davina, who was wearing a weird outfit that seemed to be a cross between a  dress and pyjamas, announcing that there would be a new housemate entering later.  Would it be somebody exciting to really stir things up?  Don’t get your hopes up.

Day 5:

The day started abruptly and we didn’t learn how Jonas and Sov’s punishment ended.  Unless I just wasn’t listening.  We started with Sov and Nicola discussing Kat and Jonas in the diary room.  Nicola had to explain to Sov what tactile means.  Isn’t she supposed to be the dim one?

Over in ‘the snug’, Vinnie and Stephanie also discussed Kat and Jonas.  They are clearly trying to build up this romance for all its worth.

The men were told that they had to take part in a ‘hunk off’.  Part of the competition was a swimwear round and they were told that they had to wear mankinis.  Sisqo, seemingly oblivious to the irony, was mortified at the thought of wearing a thong.  He’s a very serious little man and was deeply disturbed by the concept of ‘ass out’.  He thought it might help if he changed the colour of the outfit, but I don’t see how that would help cover the ass.  If you’re going to get so angry about showing your bum you probably shouldn’t have recorded a track called ‘The Thong Song’.

Resigned to his fate, he went to shave.  Eww.

Dane and Stephen refused to wear the mankinis, so they get trunks instead.  They start laughing about the fact that they got away with it and Sisqo looked close to tears.

Vinnie commented on the meeting of minds that was Alex and Stephen: ‘If bullshit was music there’d be a brass band in the lounge right now.’

The hunk off began, hosted by Vinnie, with all the ladies as judges.

Round 1: Evening wear.  They picked the cheesiest music ever for this, which was very funny, but it soon got really annoying.

Round 2: Swimwear.  Stephen wore trunks and a vest – he should have just gone with the mankini.  Dane was also covered up, which kept the mankinis a surprise.  Jonas came out in his leopardskin mankini and ‘revealing’ really isn’t the word to describe it.  I’d probably go for ‘disturbing’.  Sisqo was out next and looked mental, but he has got a very peachy ass.  Unsurprisingly, Alex loved showing off in his pink costume and streaky tan.  Sov could barely breathe for laughing.  Sisqo finally looked relieved when he was told that he had a sexy booty.  All’s well that ends well.

Round 3: Talent Show.  Stephen read a poem, which was bonkers.  This is a polite way of saying that it was rubbish.  Dane did a ten second massage on all the ladies.  Jonas gave them all his ‘special kiss on the cheek’.  Luckily, this wasn’t a euphemism.  Sisqo sang, which actually made some kind of sense.  Alex did the splits over two chairs.

Vinnie is actually quite funny and did a good job of the presenting.  In case you’re curious, Sisqo won.

This half of the round-up ended with Katia and Jonas having a snuggle on the smokers’ bench.

Live Show:

The new housemate is Ivana Trump.  I have no opinion whatsoever, other than her name is a silly pun about farting.  Davina did a mini-interview with her before she went in and her English is barely comprehensible.  Great choice.

Day 5:

Kat talked to Sov about her flirting, which she then discussed with Jonas.  They’re surprisingly open for BB contestants.  Kat stressed the innocent nature of their flirting.  Those of you who can see what is coming can keep your mouths shut.

Sisqo finally realised the deeper meaning of the whole thong incident.  Well done him.

Jonas seems to actually really like Kat.  He’s refreshingly earnest and I can almost forgive him for his awful music.

Kat admitted that she feels awful about the innocent flirting.  She admitted this while she was hugging in bed with Jonas. He’s clearly smitten, so he started kissing her.  I don’t think her boyfriend’s going to be very happy.

Live Show:

As there was no eviction, we were ‘treated’ to a variety performance.

Vinnie did a ventriloquists act with Stephen as his dummy (a giant rabbit).  Yet another nightmarish image from this year’s CBB.

Dane and Alex did a duet of ‘Especially for You’.  Dane was dressed as Kylie.  It wasn’t funny.  They had a hard task as it was never going to live up to Ulrika and Verne’s Endless Love from last year.

Sisqo, dressed as a gay ringmaster, performed a magic act with Sov as his assistant.  He made her disappear with the magic words: ‘Dinga-linga-ling school bell ring, booyakka booyakka.’  Yeah, I think he’s mental too.

The illusion reached the point when Sov was supposed to reappear, but we actually got Ivana instead.  There wasn’t much of a reaction as no one seemed to know who she was.

What a disappointing way to end the show.

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