MBM – Sorry & Yorkshire Tea

It’s another MBM double, you lucky, lucky idiots…

No.

Sorry.

Every ounce of creativity has been stolen from my soul.

Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to offer.

Q.  How can anyone in their right minds like Yorkshire Tea?

A.  They can’t.

In fairness, the Yorkshire Tea wasn’t quite as bad as I had anticipated.   It doesn’t seem to taste of soil any more.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

 

MBM – Donut Club

The first rule of Donut Club is….buy some donuts.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

 

Foreigners Eat The Funniest Things #1

Team Extreme’s very own JLS found this KRAZY packet whilst on holiday in the U.S. of America:

He he. It tastes of penis.  Foreigners really do eat the funniest things.

Bobby’s Pork Crunch – An Apology

You may remember a recent post in which I gave something of a harsh review of Bobby’s Pork Crunch.  If you can’t remember this, please click here.

I recently received an e-mail from one of Bobby’s representatives regarding this post, and it was highly disturbing.  I am unable to reproduce the content of the message, due to legal restrictions, but I’m happy to publish my reply.

Dearest J*****,
I write to you today with a heart so full of confused and conflicted emotions, that I fear I may pass out.  Imagine my delight when I saw an unsolicited e-mail from your good self, and the way that my heart soared when I read that you had been reading my blog.  Oh, Jenny.  If only I had stopped reading there, then my life may have been complete.
Instead, I continued.
I cannot hope to convey in mere words the horror I felt as I completed your missive.  If you imagine the face of a really upset man, screaming, then you have only a fraction of my anguish within your precious mind.  Alas, the very packet that threatens to come between us has been discarded, and, as such, I am unable to retrieve the information you so kindly asked for.
Let me sincerely apologise for my blog post.  I am inherently prejudiced against pork-based snacks in all their forms, due to a taste-based disagreement.  I allowed my personal feelings on this porcine delicacies to colour my opinions with a disturbing lack of objectivity.  I’m sure you are aware of what a massive fan I am of Bobby and his snacks and the thought of causing him any personal distress is wrenching my heart with the force of a hurricane.  The thought of Bobby, in his custom-made bed made to look like one of his snacks, unsuccessfully attempting to weep himself to sleep makes me so sad that I fear the corners of my mouth might fall off the bottom of my chin.
Rest assured, that the worst case scenario is that this was a rogue batch of snacks – quite possibly tampered with by a jealous competitor.
I only hope that this e-mail can go some way to mending our faltering relationship.
Yours in perpetuity,
Steven

Can I just take this opportunity to reiterate my sincerest apologies for any distress caused to Bobby and his clan.

I love you Bobby.

Bobby’s Pork Crunch

Regular readers will know all about my love for Bobby and his snacks (Bobby’s Snacks), so it’s with a heavy heart that I bring you this review of “Bobby’s Pork Crunch”.

Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, I must confess my hatred of all pork scratching type snacks.  I believe them to be morally wrong and would be quite happy to start a political party whose sole aim was to eradicate all pig skin related food-products.  It’s like those idiots who believe “crackling” to be a treat.  They’re sick, sick bastards and should probably be slung into some kind of gulag.

As such, I’m probably not the best person to review Bobby’s “Light & Crispy” snack.  To provide a degree of impartiality, I drafted in Team Extreme’s Hitchers to adjudicate.  His credentials, when it comes to horrible meat based foods, are second to none.  His favourite food is the “breast of lamb” (see here) and he believe the best part of a lamb chop to be the fat (yes, he really does).   If anyone was going to give the Pork Crunch – with it’s bold slogan “You’ve just GOT to eat the LOT!” – a chance, then it would be Hitchers.

His verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

Intriguing.  If Hitchers thought them inedible, there was a chance that I would find them to be delicious! I had to fight my inherent prejudices and popped one of the crunchy snacks into my hesitant mouth.

My verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

They tasted like paint mixed with dead pig and there were remnants of the snack lingering in my gob for what felt like days.  It was, frankly, horrific.  Sorry, Bobby, but it appears you’re not infallible after all.

I’m crushed.

 

Snack Controversy Update 2

Following last week’s shocking revelation of a snack-based conspiracy, I immediately e-mailed the relevant parties.

To Bobby’s Snacks:

Hi J****,

Just wanted to keep you up-to-date with regards to the “Golden Wonder” issue. I’ve e-mailed them to ask for comment and they’ve come back to me with:

“Due to client confidentiality I am unable to comment on this matter.”

This is a very worrying development. I don’t know what it all means. I pray that Bobby comes out of this unscathed. I love him (in a purely platonic\snack-based way, you understand).

My prayers are with you all,

Ste

To Golden Wonder:

Hi *******,

Thanks for getting back to me. It all sounds terribly suspicious. I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but this totally screams “conspiracy theory!!”  The snack industry is renowned for its links to certain secret societies and your e-mail seems to confirm this to be the case. I understand that you’re unable to comment on this – I imagine you might get sent to some kind of gulag should you break your overlords’ vow of silence.

Good luck, god speed.

Ste

I’ve failed to receive replies from either.   I will take this lack of communication as a confirmation of the involvement of the Illuminati.  This is getting serious…

Snack Controversy Update

Last week, I reported on the seemingly scandalous case of Golden Wonder copying Bobby’s wonderful BBQ Sauce Potato Snax. As promised, I’ve done some investigation.  I firstly e-mailed Bobby to inform him of this apparent snack crime:

Hi J****\Bobby

Terribly sorry to bother you again, but I have become aware of a potentially scandalous piece of snack news.  It seems that Golden Wonder have released a product incredibly similar to your BBQ Sauce Potato Snax (so, so delicious).  Please see the following link for details:

http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2011/06/30/snack-controversy-golden-wonder-bbq-saucers/

Were you aware of this product?  Does Bobby have a message for his many fans that I can relay vis a vis this seemingly identical product?

Thanks in advance,

Steven

I soon received a reply from Bobby’s pal, thanking me for my diligence and letting me know that they are “on the case”.  This was certainly a relief.

I also e-mailed Golden Wonder to see what their take on the matter was:

Dear Golden Wonder,

I’m a big fan of Bobby’s Snacks, one of your leading competitors. You have recently released a product “BBQ Saucers” that is virtually indistinguishable from Bobby’s BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.

Do you have any comment on this potentially contentious matter?

Thanks.

Eventually, I received a reply:

Mr Price,

Due to client confidentiality I am unable to comment on this matter.

Sorry for any disappointment caused.

Best Regards

******* *****
Customer Services

Woah.

We are through the looking glass here, people.

I don’t want to speculate wildly, but have the Illuminati infiltrated the snack industry? It seemed to be the only possible answer.  I will endeavour to probe further, despite the inherent risks.

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Snack Controversy: Golden Wonder BBQ Saucers

I recently ventured into a local newsagents – sadly a non-Bobby’s Snacks stockist – in order to buy a drink.  I was shocked and horrified when I spied a box containing “Golden Wonder BBQ Saucers” – a snack that seemed worryingly similar to Bobby’s BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.

“Grab some,” exclaimed the package.  Despite the sick feeling in my stomach, because they weren’t Bobby’s Snacks, I felt compelled to buy a pack.  There were questions that needed to be answered.

As you can see from the photo (left) the “BBQ Saucer” is indistinguishable in form to Bobby’s BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.  Indeed, once popped into my mouth, the taste is nigh on indistinguishable.  What manner of witchcraft is this?

Is this the most blatant case of snack-theft that there’s ever been?  Or has Bobby entered into an unholy pact with Monsieur Golden Wonder?

I am going to make it my mission to find out. Stay tuned, snack fans.

 

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Indifferently Sunny

20110629-125035.jpg
Welcome to the third and final day of my boring Manchester\weather\dinner trilogy. Today, I’ve totally given up on the outside concept. It’s far too blowy.

Instead, I’ve made an incredibly maverick manoeuvre – I’ve had a burrito for dinner. A “burrito” is a kind of crazy Mexican sandwich that contains both rice and beans. I don’t eat rice or beans. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Incredibly, it was delicious. You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve finished it now. There was some unfortunate “spilled rice on iPad screen” action, but this was easily remedied with a napkin. It’s safe to say that there are easier things to eat, though. And it’s wrapped in tin foil to help maintain its structural integrity, but then this plays havoc with dental fillings.

They’ve had a good go, but I really think the Mexican government need to put some funding into R&D vis a vis burrito dispension techniques.

Anyway, that concludes the business. Thanks for listening (reading). I’m back to my usual routine tomorrow, so expect some usual routine bloggery. If I can be bothered.

All the best.

Bobby’s Snack Party

You may remember a recent post in which I congratulated Bobby on the high quality of his BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then click here.  When Bobby’s representative replied to me, she advised that I try some of his other wonderful snacks.  Well, who am I to refuse the suggestion of Bobby’s representative?

Nobody.  I’m nobody to refuse that.

Please find below the results of my experimentations.

BBQ Sauce Potato Snax

It’s the snack (or “snax”) that started the whole thing off.  The construction of the BSPS is a particularly inventive affair: a lattice-work body formed into an ovoid.  On the face of it, this could sound overly elaborate, but don’t be fooled.  The shape has function as well as a beautiful form.  The delightfully delicate shape allows the magnificent taste to flow freely from within.

The taste itself is a complex beast; ranging from BBQ sauce to a bit bacony.  It’s a real challenge for the pallete, but a challenge well worth persevering with.

I feel blessed to live in a world where such a product is freely available to purchase in independent corner shops.  It’s a small thing (literally), but a BBQ Sauce Potato Snak (that’s the singular of snax) makes you realise how amazing it is to be alive.  And how many things can we say that about in this miserable existence that we call life?  Not many.

Can the mighty Bobby and his snack-making minions ever hope to trump the snackable powerhouse that is the BBQ Sauce Potato Snax?  It’s seems unlikely given the absolute taste sensation on offer, but let’s try some and find out for sure.

Spirals – Salt & Vinegar

 The vibrant yellow banner atop the resplendent blue package announces a  ”special price” and, at a measly 29 pence, I think we can all agree with that assessment.  The question is: can any snack live up to a price that special?  Let’s open the pack and find out.

The packaging uses the slogan ”…they’re twisted!”, and this is literally the case.  The Salt and Vinegar Spirals use the classic salt and vinegar spiral configuration that is so pleasing to the eye and to the tastebuds.

Like all the best salt & vinegar flavoured snacks, they’re very strong and make you desperate for a drink as soon as you’ve consumed them.  Top marks for Bobby’s flavourteers for refusing to compromise on this.

It’s questionable whether the “s&v spiral” (as all the kidz are calling them) are applicable in an industrial drilling scenario – they’re simply too fragile.  Luckily, this isn’t their intended purpose.  Their intended purpose is strictly food-based.

The big question is whether or not they can surpass the inherent majesty of the BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.  The answer is no, but at such a special price, they’re well worth a punt.

Football Crazy

Like much of the UK population, Bobby is football crazy.  It’s safe to say that he’s football mad.  In tribute to his favourite sport, he has released the charmingly named “Football Crazy” snacks.

The snacks are playfully shaped like a footballer and his ball – although they’re clearly not to scale, which is slightly disappointing.

Variety is the spice of life… or as Bobby would say: variety is the spicy of lifey.  The intentionally ambiguous ”spicy” flavour is dripping with delicious irony, but, don’t worry, they also taste delicious too.

There’s so much I could write about Football Crazy, but won’t.  I will say this:  I recreated a 90-minute 11-aside football match with this packet, before devouring them like a hungry wolf.   Both teams played as “skins”, which was pretty confusing, so I don’t know who won.  It was still a lot of fun, though.

Get on your shopmobility scooter and down to your local shop today.  They will have sold out of the incredibly alluring Football Crazy snacks, if you’re not careful.  Would you be able to forgive yourself if that happened?

I didn’t think so.

Sprials – Prawn Cocktail

This is very much the most controversial of all the snacks.

Prawn cocktail has always been a favourite flavour of mine.  It’s fishy goodness is a treat for man or beast.  But a spiral? Is that right?

The National Society of Snack Shapes is very clear in its ruling that spirals should be used for salt and vinegar flavoured snacks only.  Bobby is a maverick.  The two worlds were bound to collide eventually.

Let’s cut to the chase: this is one bout won by the challenger – it’s a knockout punch by the undefeated Bobby.  These snacks are, quite simply, a triumph!

There’s going to be literal egg on the faces of the NSoSS’s ruling council.  They are infamously reluctant to change their rules, but I humbly believe that they have no choice in the matter, here.

I don’t think it is over-exaggerating to call Bobby the Heston Blumenthal of the snack world.  His achievements will be celebrated by many generations to come.  I imagine there’ll be a statue at some point, too.

Bacon Streaks

 

 

BIG VALUE! screams the packaging.  On this front there can be no dispute.  What about the rest of the snack?  Can it really live up to Bobby’s seemingly stratospheric standards?

On the face of it, no. Bacon Streaks have been written off by many of the leading journalists in the snack media of being a blatant Frazzles clone.  You can certainly see where they are coming from.

Dig a little deeper.  Could Bobby merely copy another manufacturer’s snacks?  Clearly not.  So, what is the story here?

I think that the Bacon Streaks product range is a clear satire by Bobby on the whole of the snack industry.  He’s challenging them to raise their games and think, literally, outside the pack.

These may not be Bobby’s tastiest of snacks, but they may be his crowning glory.

This is his legacy. He is a true snackmaster.

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