A Hazard of Parsnips – The Video

Another day, another video.  Only, I’m cheating a little bit because I actually posted this over on The World of Sherby57 yesterday.  I won’t apologise for that.  I think it’s really good.  Why not have a watch:

OK, I’ll be honest.  It probably isn’t going to make a lot of sense if you’ve not read A Hazard of Parsnips (aka HoP), the ongoing saga created by Dr Angel and myself, now up to its seventeenth exciting chapter.   But, you’ve all been reading it, right?  I don’t have to worry.

I suppose there is a chance that it’s your first day on the internet, in which case you may not have read the literary blockbuster.  How can I begin to explain the plot…hmmm.  Well, it’s a Austen-esque period romance, somehow also set in modern-day St Helens.  It’s the story of the torrid love affair between burly Clarence Crapper, the local greengrocer, and lady of the manor, Eileen Bilton.  There’s also a sex-criminal who goes by the name of Der Naughty Kitty, who kidnaps one of the main characters.  Just when you think we’ve exhausted all known genres of fiction, we also weave in a police drama featuring the greatest fictional detective of all time, Kowalski.  And his homo-erotic partner in (solving) crime, Detective Inspector Ian Detective-Inspector.  And there are some Hot Body Shows.  Lots of Hot Body Shows.  To be honest, you’re probably going to have to read it for yourself.

To make that easier, here’s a handy list of all the existing chapters:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

So, the rest of world literature has now been ruined for you, but you have to admit that it was worth it.  Stay tuned for Chapter 18…

Vote for MBM of the Year 2010

It’s one of the most exciting days of the year for everyone involved in the world of milk and milk bottles.  Yes, after literally minutes of painstaking deliberation, a panel of distinguished judges (i.e. me) has selected the nominations for MBM of the Year 2010.  The nominations are:

Polite Notice

Polite Notice

Mark Croft & Kerry Katona are not partners in this milk and milk bottle business.

It’s true.  They’re not partners in that bottle of milk, but sometimes you have to explicitly state it anyway.  This was certainly one of those occasions.

Squashy Face

“I can’t help loving you, even though you have a squashy face!”

“Maybe you love me because I have a squashy face.”

A poignant MBM contributed by dear Dr Angel.  Two short sentences convey a complex, disturbing romance worthy of its own range of greetings cards.  Extra consideration must be given to the maverick decision to present the milk in a pop bottle.

Short Romcom

Short Story – A Romcom

A man met a woman.

‘Hello,’ said the man.

‘Hi,’ said the woman.

They fell madly in love, as you do.  Then they had some ridiculous misunderstanding and the woman was going to move to another country or something.  Then the man got her back and they lived happily ever after.

Cue the amusing wedding montage.

It’s not many milk bottles that contain a complete romcom.  In fairness, it’s probably just this one. Come on, that’s pretty amazing.

Who will be crowned MBM of the year. You decide:

Polls will close when I can be bothered closing them.  Hopefully after somebody has voted.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

My Perfect Man

A couple of weeks ago, I got a text message from Dr Angel saying that I was mentioned on a blog post she’d just written.  I hurriedly went onto the internet to have a look and was confronted with a post called My Perfect Man.  Finally, I assumed, somebody had taken the time to document just how amazing I am.  It was about time.

Alas, I had sadly gotten the wrong end of the stick.  It wasn’t about me at all.  Why was this happening?  Why would she tease me in this way?  Was I not, indeed, perfect?  It appeared not.

After I had composed myself from my narcissistic devastion, I read the post again.  I had been blog-tagged.  I didn’t even know blog-tagging existed.  I still don’t know whether it’s actually called blog-tagging.  It’s all a mystery.  In short, she was challenging me and several other bloggers to write our own version of “My Perfect Man”.

The doc assured me that I could write “My Perfect Woman” and I set my tiny mind to this incredibly tough challenge.  I’ll be honest, I was struggling, but today was going to be my attempt at it.  However, when I had a look at what the other tagees had written, I noticed that they’d all stuck with “My Perfect Man”, even the men.  Surely writing about a woman would be cheating and breaking every rule in the blog-tagging book (to be fair, I don’t know if there are blog-tagging rules, but I’ll assume that this is one of them).

So.  My Perfect Man.  How the hell am I going to answer that?  Under what circumstances would I need a man, and what criteria would he need to fulfil to achieve perfection in this role?  Blah.  I’ve got nothing.

Maybe my perfect man is the kind of man that I’d like to be.  Sure, I’m already pretty close to perfection, but which bits do I need to tweak?  Well, I can certainly think of a few areas that I’d like to improve, but do I really want to bare my soul in a jovial blogging challenge?  Probably not.

I’m going to have to think outside the box and just go with my gut instinct.   In this case, my perfect man would have to be Burt Reynolds in Smokey and The Bandit.  He drives a fast car, complete with onboard Sally Field.  He’s got a lovely red shirt (I want it).  He pulls off the cowboy\moustache combination in an incredulously heterosexual manner.  And he’s got best laugh in the world.

Perfect.

1001st

I’ve just checked the dashboards of my two blogs.  Pour Some Gravy On Me has 466 posts.  The World of Sherby57 has 534 posts.  For those of you who are mathematically challenged, this adds up for 1000 posts.

1000!

A thousand!

I can’t believe that I’ve reached such a mammoth milestone in my blogging career.  It’s literally blown my mind.  Well, not literally.  If my mind had truly blown then I wouldn’t be able to type this.

Anyway, that’s an awful lot of nonsense that I’ve spouted over the last 3 and a bit years.  I’d like to thank anybody who has visited any of my 1000 (yes, a thousand!) posts over this period.  Special thanks must go to Dr Angel for being the only person who’d ever visit TWoS57 and essentially kept me going in this blogging lark.  I’d even like to thank all those people that have inadvertently visited my blogs while searching for something pervy.  This must account for about 90% of my hits, so it would be churlish to exclude them.

As much as I’d like to keep this positive, I just have to take a moment to chastise all of you who have never visited either of my blogs.  You know who you are and I think your attitude stinks.  With 1000 nuggets of entertainment to choose from, you’ve got no right in not visiting at least once.  You’re so so fucking selfish.  You always have been, and you always will be.  Unless you visit at some point in the future, in which case  I’ll take it back.  If this is your first visit to my blogs then that’s quite spooky and I think you’re very special.

If you were to say that the average length of a post is 100 words (and this is surely a conservative estimate), then this is the equivalent of 100,000 words.  If I had any brains I would have written 100,000 words of  best selling novel instead.  We’ve already established that I do have brains, though, so that doesn’t make any sense.

I guess the next big target is to have completed 1000 posts on each blog.  By that stage, you really will have no excuse for having never visited.  Make sure that you have, or there’ll be trouble.

Post Recycling – June 2009

June 2009 started for PSGOM with my first ever comedy review, Paul Kerensa at The Brindley in Runcorn.  It’s slightly too concerned with the mechanics of actually going to to the gig, rather than the gig itself, but I had to start somewhere.  From a personal point of view, it’s probably one of the last occasions that I had a glass of ‘full-fat’ coke, because of this.  It’s hard to remember now just how addicted I was to the fizzy, brown, stuff.

In an early pre-cursor to my Waffle posts, I wrote about the harrowing, and misunderstood, problem of Cheese Fascism.  If you don’t like cheese, then you’ve got a real problem in this so-called society that we live in.  Cheese haters unite!

From time to time, PSGOM features some guest material, such as the following discovered by Team Extreme’s very own JLS.  Yes, we take a look into the sinister world of the PTC (Pony Tail Club), as we ask, Francis Rossi – Traitor? You’d have to say that the leaflet certainly sends mixed messages, but I’m sure it was a very emotional time for them all.

This was the month that saw the birth of the Milk Bottle Manifesto, which was something of a master-stroke, if I do say so myself. It allowed me to combine something I was already doing (writing stupid milk bottle labels) with the creation of very quick blog posts.  I had hoped that the MBM would have spread worldwide by now, causing mayhem and intellectual debate in and around office fridges.  This doesn’t seem to have happened, despite some valiant efforts by Dr Angel.  The first two entries in the MBM were “I Like To Wear Silk” and ” Whoopsie In My Beret“.  It’s really stirring stuff and I’m shocked that they haven’t provoked some kind of worker’s revolution.  Whoopsie In My Beret actually gets a surprising amount of hits; there must be a lot of Frank Spencer fans out there.

There’s not much I can say about the post “I Don’t Like To Brag, But…“, except to say that those are my initials in the article and the Daily Star have never been known to be wrong.  Ladies of the world, beware of my erotic talents.

This month saw PSGOM’s most popular post ever.  I say “popular”, but it would be more accurate to describe it as the post that contains the most references to penises and so generates the highest number of hits.  Yes, it’s the infamous Sex Sells: The Mr Banana Penis Story.  If you’ve ever wondered what a man looks like with a banana for a penis then this is the post for you.  Who is the mysterious Mr B-P, and what is his connection to Team Extreme?  Study the photo carefully, the answer is there for you all to see.

This week sees my one year anniversary of being on Twitter, as recorded in the post Bit Of A Twit.  I won’t be having a party, but presents will be gratefully accepted.  Twitter is a weird thing, and as I pointed out earlier this week, it’s a hard thing to explain to those that don’t use it.  If you’re not on there, my advice is to get an account, follow a load of people you’re interested in and get tweeting.  In 52 weeks time you’ll bloody love it.

You can read all of June 2009′s posts, here.

MBM – The Panopticon

Do not fear the Panopticon.  Have you ever considered that they could be used for good instead of just for social control?

Have you ever considered that?  Have you? What do you mean that you’ve not heard of the Panopticon?? Ok, fair enough, I hadn’t heard of it either until last week.  It’s a crazy kind of prison that regulates the behaviour of the prisoners by its very design.  I won’t bother trying to explain it further, but it is fascinating.  Why not read the wikipedia page about it, here.  In one of our in-depth philosophical discussions, Dr Angel and I wondered if the Panopticon concept could be tweaked so that it actually provided positive encouragement.  We’re so bloody intellectual.  Anyway, feel free to join the debate in the comments section below.  Or not.  You can do what you want to.  You’re not stuck in a Panopticon.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

MBM – Team Extreme + Squashy Face

If you’ve got a problem, and no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… TEAM EXTREME. To be fair, we’re quite cheap for what we do.  Just make us a brew and give us some biscuits and we’re anybody’s.

Today’s MBM is quite obviously an advert for Team Extreme.  We’d just like more people to make us brews.

As a special treat, I now present a guest MBM from Dr. Angel:

“I can’t help loving you, even though you have a squashy face!”

“Maybe you love me because I have a squashy face.”

This is truly a classic of the MBM genre.  It’s both funny and touching, a potent combination.  I’m particularly impressed by the milk being housed in a Pepsi bottle.  It really lends an added poignancy to proceedings.  Many thanks to the Doc for her contribution.

This MBM is an example of one of Dr. Angel’s excellent short plays.  If you’d like to read more of them, please check out her blog, here.

If you don’t know what the Milk Bottle Manifesto is about, then please click here.

Waffle Round Up

Hello to you all.  I hope that you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.  This is my sincere voice, in case you were wondering.  Today’s post is going to be a round up of some of the general stuff that’s been going on around me and my blogs recently.

I’ve seen an upturn in the number of hits I’ve been getting in the last week or two.  This is in no small part due to my Team Extreme stories and forcing everyone in work to read them.  It’s a great technique for anyone wanting to boost their hittage.  What’s weird is that these hits from people in the office don’t quite make up the total number of hits I’ve received.  It’s almost as if getting more hits has made my blogs more likely to get even more hits.  Is that possible? Is that the way that WordPress blogs work?  It’s very intriguing.

You may remember my post on Wednesday, Amazonian, in which I celebrated my book appearing for sale on Amazon.   Well, as I’m only human, I immediately submitted a 5-star review.  Amazon are supposed to approve reviews within 48 hours, but as of yet, there’s still no sign of mine.  Do you think that they rejected it because I was blatantly plugging my own work?  I really wasn’t subtle about the fact that I was the author, but it still seems a bit harsh.  If anyone else would like to contribute a review, or even buy a copy, then I’d be ever so grateful.

Speaking of my book, it made it’s first public appearance yesterday, when Dr. Angel took her copy on a train journey.  You can see the evidence below:

It’s quite a momentous day for any author.  I can only imagine that the Doc was inundated with requests from her fellow passengers as to what the amazing book was that she was reading.  She’s not actually said anything to that effect, but I assume that she’s not telling me so that I don’t get big headed.

Some of the comments sections on some of my posts have gone off on some very severe tangents recently.  On the comments to A Tale of Two Posts, Mr Shev has set the following challenge:

Anyway in the spirit of this sordid practice maybe we should see who can get most hits by writing the most mundane post with the most salacious title. Like the section in Debenhams called Knobs & Knockers (should get you a few hits, Sherby…) was actually selling ironmongery…sadly.

Well, I couldn’t resist the challenge and wrote the post My Pulsating Hairy Love Wand over on The World of Sherby57.  It’s about as mundane as I could have made a post with that title.  So far it’s had a grand total of 3 hits.

Over on Changing – a post about changing my blog theme – the conversation has steered towards having sex with a blog theme, starring in a romcom in which you fall in love with a blog theme and going for an exciting, dangerous adventure in a hand bag.  It’s good to know that I’m not the only odd one around here.  I’m just the ringleader.

Although this post is appearing on Monday morning, I’m actually writing it on Sunday evening.  If anything changes drastically in the hours between submission and publication, please don’t hold it against me.  Weirdly, after writing about how many hits I’ve been getting lately, I’ve only had 3 hits today and it’s nearly 7pm.  I can only assume that everyone has gone out for the day.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of your bank holiday, unless you’re not reading it today – and by today I mean tomorrow – in which case it won’t be a bank holiday.  Unless you have coincidentally decided to read it on another bank holiday.  Let’s just agree that you just enjoy your day, whatever type of day it is.  This may or may not be my sincere voice.

Flight of the Conchords @ Manchester Apollo – 8th May 2010

You may remember me complaining about being unable to get tickets for Flight of the Conchords a couple of months ago (and if you can’t, click here).  I was gutted.  But, since I’m about to write a review about their gig, I think you’ll probably be able to work out that I managed to get some.  Many thanks to JLS’s friends for letting me have their spares.  You were literally lifesavers.  Not literally, but I was chuffed to be able to go.

Despite really wanting to go, I was a bit unsure how the gig would actually go.  The problem with a comedy band is that you’ve heard most of the songs before and so the jokes aren’t going to make you laugh as much as when you first heard them.  I’ve listened to their first album so much that I know many of the songs word-for-word.  Would it just be like hearing them repeat ‘garlic bread?’ over and over again?

Anyway, after some automotive problems, Dr. Angel and myself decamped to Manchester; both of us were mightily relieved that we were going to see New Zealand’s fourth most popular comedy folk duo – even though we were on the back row of the rear circle.

The show was opened by US comic Eugene Mirman, who, after a bit of a slow start, delivered some really funny material; his pointless billboards material was particularly funny.  As with many support acts, much of the audience was uninterested, regardless of the quality.  I’d definitely like to see Mirman again, but next time in a more intimate venue with a willing audience.

Then we got the Conchords themselves and any fears that I had were almost immediately allayed.  Whatever was lost through familiarity was more than made up for in musicianship and performance.  The Conchords secret weapon is that, unlike most musical-based comedy, their songs are actually really good.  A particular highlight for me was the introduction of a new bit in Robots.  I won’t say what it was because I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it made me literally guffaw.  Apart from the songs, we also got lots of deadpan banter between Bret and Jermaine, and this provided enough new material in itself.  We also got to hear a few new songs and it was pleasing to see that they had maintained their high standards.

There were a few downsides to the gig that were totally unrelated to the band.  Firstly there was a particularly crackly speaker in our section that made some of the talking sections nearly inaudible.  Then there were the large number of insaniacs that populated the rear circle.  There was a constant stream of people getting up from their seats for much of the show, to the extent that the Doc and I were speechless in our contempt of them.  To make this distraction worse was the two guys who decided to have a really loud conversation, which somehow managed to drown out the show.  We were baffled.  People were acting as if there just happened to be a covers band on in the corner of the pub, rather than them actually being at a highly sought out gig.  Absolute idiots.

There was also a bit of a lull around halfway through the gig, and the duo seemed to get a bit frustrated with some sections of the crowd.  It was difficult to tell from where we were, as it was impossible to gauge the atmosphere of the stalls, so maybe this just came across as worse than it actually was.  Luckily, the boys provided a barnstorming finish and everybody went home happy.

It’s a rare act that can combine comedy with songs that you’ll actually want to listen to.  If you ever get chance to see the Flight of the Conchords then I highly recommend that you do.  Just try and avoid the rear circle.

More Book Stuff + Lulu Advice

Exciting news! I have now sold a grand total of 2 copies of my book to people who are not me.  I’m not sure what the rules are, but I’m pretty sure that I’m now allowed to use the phrase “best-selling author” on my CV.  Genuine thanks go out to Joanne and Joe (aka JLS from Team Extreme) for actually bothering.  I’m sure that you’ll both get your just rewards for being such fine, upstanding members of society.  I do expect them both to write glowing reviews of the book that I can publish on here as testimonials.  I also expect a similar review from Dr Angel who has her own copy of the wonderful work of literature.  She earned her complimentary copy of the book by being the only person who’s ever shown any sustained interest in The World of Sherby57.  I couldn’t have done it without her.

Anyway, enough with the sentimentality, let’s carry on with some more tedious book related news.  It probably isn’t a good marketing technique to mention this, but I did learn something valuable about self-publishing with Lulu.com:  make double sure that you’ve picked the most appropriate paper size for your book.

There are several options of book size on Lulu and I settled on “pocket” for no particular reason.  Many of the sizes were so similar that I pretty much picked at random.  However I had a few formatting problems when trying to upload my ‘manuscript’ to the web-site and so, out of frustration, I decided to re-format from a different template.  I picked A5, simply because it was the one I had heard of.  Luckily, this time I was able to upload and publish successfully.

However, at a later date, I was browsing on Lulu and spotted a book with a similar number of pages to mine that was significantly cheaper.  I investigated to see how they had achieved it and it was simply down to the paper size.  I don’t really understand why such similar sized books should vary so much in price.  For example, the manufacturing cost of a 100-page A5 book is £7.35; the price for a similar 100-page Pocket book is £2.98.  The size of A5 is 5.8″ x 8.2″.  The size of Pocket is 4.2″ x 6.8″.  It doesn’t make any sense to me either.  Just make sure you choose wisely.

Anyway, I can only apologise for my crapness.  If I’ve not completely put you off, you can buy a copy of my book from here.  There’s a very nifty preview of the first 12 pages, so go and have a nosy.

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