Gig 34: Magical Animals @ Sandbar, Manchester – 13th February 2012

February 15, 2012 Leave a Comment

My spot at the last Magical Animals (Gig 23), back in December, didn’t go great.  I tried a whole bit about pretending to be the A-Team when I was a kid and it didn’t really get any laughs at all.  It was the first time that I’d done stand up at M.A. and I vowed there and then that next time I’d do something completely different.  In fact, I decided on that very night that I was going to do some kind of turn based on Bobby’s Snacks.

Regular readers of the blog will be fully aware of my obsession for all things Bobby.  I’ve often written about him, and his wonderful products, in my Consumer Queries feature. You can read them, here.  As I’d performed two other completely different sets in the same week – Gig 32 (straight set) and Gig 33 (Den Kodd) – and have another gig later this week (a different straight set), I didn’t have time to overly prepare the Bobby stuff.  I had an idea what it would be about that it would be based on some of the blog posts. Fortunately, it only took about an hour of re-writing on Sunday morning to get them in as much shape as they needed to be in, but I didn’t have much of a chance to rehearse.  As I’d be reading the stuff – I didn’t have time to memorise it – I felt confident enough that I’d be able to wing it to a sufficiently adequate standard.  The beauty of Magical Animals is that you’re free to just give anything a go – I’m usually categorised as genreless oddness – as long as it’s only 4 minutes in length.

I was the final act out of 15 performers and the audience had been a little restless all night, but I was just looking forward to getting out there and seeing what happened. It went OK, and there were a few laughs, but I felt it could have been better.  I think the main problem was that I had FAR too much stuff to cram into the slot – which meant I was rushing – and the material was a bit too wordy. There were bits that I liked, however, and I think it could be developed into something slightly different (and better), which is why I’m being a bit cagey about revealing too many details.  A couple of people did come up to me afterwards to say that they liked it, so that’s always encouraging.  Now I just need to think up what nonsense I’m going to do at the next Magical Animals.

Erm, I don’t really know how to end this, so…..BUY BOBBY’S SNACKS!

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Bobby’s Onion Rings Controversy

January 27, 2012 1 Comment

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about Bobby or any of his delicious snacks.  Far too long.  In my quest for all things Bobby, I had a quick google yesterday and came across this startling Youtube clip about Bobby’s Onion Rings.

Who is this Bobby loving maverick? This video was posted almost 4 years ago, so how is it only coming to light now?  Is it related to the infamous “Snaxgate” debacle?  His claims that the extra 6 pence generated by Bobby’s generous price-cuts will cut through the material in his cheap Asda jeans seems frivolous at best.  Isn’t he taking Bobby and his snacks seriously?? And why claim that Bobby’s helpers won’t respond to his e-mails when they are clearly the most kind, wonderful people in Christendom? It all smells a bit fishy to me.  And I don’t mean the delicious smell given off by Bobby’s Prawn Cocktail Spirals.

If anyone can shed any light on the origins of this video then I’d be eternally grateful.

 

 

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Bobby’s Pork Crunch – An Apology

October 7, 2011 3 Comments

You may remember a recent post in which I gave something of a harsh review of Bobby’s Pork Crunch.  If you can’t remember this, please click here.

I recently received an e-mail from one of Bobby’s representatives regarding this post, and it was highly disturbing.  I am unable to reproduce the content of the message, due to legal restrictions, but I’m happy to publish my reply.

Dearest J*****,
I write to you today with a heart so full of confused and conflicted emotions, that I fear I may pass out.  Imagine my delight when I saw an unsolicited e-mail from your good self, and the way that my heart soared when I read that you had been reading my blog.  Oh, Jenny.  If only I had stopped reading there, then my life may have been complete.
Instead, I continued.
I cannot hope to convey in mere words the horror I felt as I completed your missive.  If you imagine the face of a really upset man, screaming, then you have only a fraction of my anguish within your precious mind.  Alas, the very packet that threatens to come between us has been discarded, and, as such, I am unable to retrieve the information you so kindly asked for.
Let me sincerely apologise for my blog post.  I am inherently prejudiced against pork-based snacks in all their forms, due to a taste-based disagreement.  I allowed my personal feelings on this porcine delicacies to colour my opinions with a disturbing lack of objectivity.  I’m sure you are aware of what a massive fan I am of Bobby and his snacks and the thought of causing him any personal distress is wrenching my heart with the force of a hurricane.  The thought of Bobby, in his custom-made bed made to look like one of his snacks, unsuccessfully attempting to weep himself to sleep makes me so sad that I fear the corners of my mouth might fall off the bottom of my chin.
Rest assured, that the worst case scenario is that this was a rogue batch of snacks – quite possibly tampered with by a jealous competitor.
I only hope that this e-mail can go some way to mending our faltering relationship.
Yours in perpetuity,
Steven

Can I just take this opportunity to reiterate my sincerest apologies for any distress caused to Bobby and his clan.

I love you Bobby.

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Bobby’s Pork Crunch

September 26, 2011 5 Comments

Regular readers will know all about my love for Bobby and his snacks (Bobby’s Snacks), so it’s with a heavy heart that I bring you this review of “Bobby’s Pork Crunch”.

Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, I must confess my hatred of all pork scratching type snacks.  I believe them to be morally wrong and would be quite happy to start a political party whose sole aim was to eradicate all pig skin related food-products.  It’s like those idiots who believe “crackling” to be a treat.  They’re sick, sick bastards and should probably be slung into some kind of gulag.

As such, I’m probably not the best person to review Bobby’s “Light & Crispy” snack.  To provide a degree of impartiality, I drafted in Team Extreme’s Hitchers to adjudicate.  His credentials, when it comes to horrible meat based foods, are second to none.  His favourite food is the “breast of lamb” (see here) and he believe the best part of a lamb chop to be the fat (yes, he really does).   If anyone was going to give the Pork Crunch – with it’s bold slogan “You’ve just GOT to eat the LOT!” – a chance, then it would be Hitchers.

His verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

Intriguing.  If Hitchers thought them inedible, there was a chance that I would find them to be delicious! I had to fight my inherent prejudices and popped one of the crunchy snacks into my hesitant mouth.

My verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

They tasted like paint mixed with dead pig and there were remnants of the snack lingering in my gob for what felt like days.  It was, frankly, horrific.  Sorry, Bobby, but it appears you’re not infallible after all.

I’m crushed.

 

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#Snaxgate – Mini Update 2

July 19, 2011 2 Comments

Yesterday, I reported that google lied about the results of a “snaxgate” search.  Well, I’ve tried again today – see above – and you can see that it’s now showing the correct results.  Is this a coincidence?  Clearly not.

The Illuminati have tinkered with Google so as not to appear suspicious.  It’s the only explanation.

Am I the only person to believe that the News Of The Word phone hacking scandal has happened merely to distract the public from the true outrage that’s happening to Bobby’s Snacks?  I won’t rest until the truth is out there.

 

 

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#Snaxgate – Mini Update

July 18, 2011 1 Comment

I had hoped to take a break from Snaxgate today; the burden of being the only media outlet covering this epic story is really starting to take its toll. However, I cannot stay quiet when new evidence comes to light.

Earlier today, I googled “snaxgate” and this is what I discovered:

20110718-200508.jpg

Hmmmm, very suspicious. I’m clearly searching for Snaxgate, and yet Google chooses not to show me those results and instead displays results for the clearly fictitious “saxgate”. Why would they do this?

They wouldn’t. The Illuminati would.

When are the government going to intervene in this matter?

Poor Bobby.

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#Snaxgate – The Conspiracy Deepens

July 17, 2011 1 Comment

My investigations into the whole Snaxgate conspiracy have unearthed the following YouTube video. What does it mean? Who is the mysterious whistleblower? What does he actually know? Whose whistle is he attempting to blow? This is starting to get very sinister…

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Bobby’s Tracks

July 13, 2011 1 Comment

You may have noticed my absolute love of Bobby’s Snacks.  They’re phenomenal.  I thought it was about time that I used my considerable musical prowess to pay tribute to the man and the legend that is Bobby.

I hope you enjoy them.

Bobby’s Dance Track:

Bobby’s Acoustic Track:

It would be wonderful, and an honour, if Bobby were to use these as part of an advertising campaign.  I’ll leave that decision in his more than capable hands.

 

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Snack Controversy Update 2

July 11, 2011 6 Comments

Following last week’s shocking revelation of a snack-based conspiracy, I immediately e-mailed the relevant parties.

To Bobby’s Snacks:

Hi J****,

Just wanted to keep you up-to-date with regards to the “Golden Wonder” issue. I’ve e-mailed them to ask for comment and they’ve come back to me with:

“Due to client confidentiality I am unable to comment on this matter.”

This is a very worrying development. I don’t know what it all means. I pray that Bobby comes out of this unscathed. I love him (in a purely platonic\snack-based way, you understand).

My prayers are with you all,

Ste

To Golden Wonder:

Hi *******,

Thanks for getting back to me. It all sounds terribly suspicious. I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but this totally screams “conspiracy theory!!”  The snack industry is renowned for its links to certain secret societies and your e-mail seems to confirm this to be the case. I understand that you’re unable to comment on this – I imagine you might get sent to some kind of gulag should you break your overlords’ vow of silence.

Good luck, god speed.

Ste

I’ve failed to receive replies from either.   I will take this lack of communication as a confirmation of the involvement of the Illuminati.  This is getting serious…
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Snack Controversy Update

July 5, 2011 3 Comments

Last week, I reported on the seemingly scandalous case of Golden Wonder copying Bobby’s wonderful BBQ Sauce Potato Snax. As promised, I’ve done some investigation.  I firstly e-mailed Bobby to inform him of this apparent snack crime:

Hi J****\Bobby

Terribly sorry to bother you again, but I have become aware of a potentially scandalous piece of snack news.  It seems that Golden Wonder have released a product incredibly similar to your BBQ Sauce Potato Snax (so, so delicious).  Please see the following link for details:

http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2011/06/30/snack-controversy-golden-wonder-bbq-saucers/

Were you aware of this product?  Does Bobby have a message for his many fans that I can relay vis a vis this seemingly identical product?

Thanks in advance,

Steven

I soon received a reply from Bobby’s pal, thanking me for my diligence and letting me know that they are “on the case”.  This was certainly a relief.

I also e-mailed Golden Wonder to see what their take on the matter was:

Dear Golden Wonder,

I’m a big fan of Bobby’s Snacks, one of your leading competitors. You have recently released a product “BBQ Saucers” that is virtually indistinguishable from Bobby’s BBQ Sauce Potato Snax.

Do you have any comment on this potentially contentious matter?

Thanks.

Eventually, I received a reply:

Mr Price,

Due to client confidentiality I am unable to comment on this matter.

Sorry for any disappointment caused.

Best Regards

******* *****
Customer Services

Woah.

We are through the looking glass here, people.

I don’t want to speculate wildly, but have the Illuminati infiltrated the snack industry? It seemed to be the only possible answer.  I will endeavour to probe further, despite the inherent risks.

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