CBB 2010: Day 6

January 10, 2010 2 Comments

Another day, another episode of Celebrity Big Brother to write about.

The day started with everyone staring at Kat and Jonas in bed together.  It’s quite difficult to be secretive when you’re sharing a bedroom with 10 other people.

Katia: ‘I don’t want to lead anyone on.’  It’s a bit late for that, love.

Vinnie gaves Alex a grilling about some of the things he’s said to the media.  It made him very nervous.  Vinnie seems to be constantly having digs at him.  Is it just banter or something more?  Vinnie also said that he blanks Katia.  What a nice man.

We got to see Dane and Alex practising Especially For You.  Painful.

Stephanie was given the task of performing a stand up routine in the variety show.  She invited Stephen into the lavatory to help her rehearse.  He’s now an expert on how to do stand up, as well as everything else.

Sov kicked off about having to wear a magician’s assistant outfit to be a magician’s assistant.  This seemed even more petulant than Sisqo’s ass-out tantrum.  She looked really upset when she went to complain about it in the diary room, apparently she has a phobia of dresses.

By the way, they did the variety show that we saw on yesterday’s live show.  I won’t go into any more details, it was completely rubbish.  Apart from Sisqo, who was hilarious as the magician.  Whether he was being intentionally funny or not I have no idea.

As I said yesterday, Ivana Trump appeared.  Jonas looked deeply disturbed, I don’t know why.

A few minutes later and Jonas still looked disturbed.  I still don’t know why.

Sov was kept in the diary room while Ivana ‘appeared’.  She amused herself by making cat noises.  You can’t blame her.

The whole Jonas and Katia scenario is getting really cringey.  He’s acting like he’s completely besotted with her, she acts all embarrassed and like she isn’t interested, and then she ends up cuddling him.  The show ended with them in bed together again and seemingly they were properly kissing.  I don’t think that it’s going to end well.

It was a bit of a dull episode really, but I still find myself totally fascinated by the goings on.

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CBB 2010: Day 5 and Live Shows

January 9, 2010 5 Comments

The show started with Davina, who was wearing a weird outfit that seemed to be a cross between a  dress and pyjamas, announcing that there would be a new housemate entering later.  Would it be somebody exciting to really stir things up?  Don’t get your hopes up.

Day 5:

The day started abruptly and we didn’t learn how Jonas and Sov’s punishment ended.  Unless I just wasn’t listening.  We started with Sov and Nicola discussing Kat and Jonas in the diary room.  Nicola had to explain to Sov what tactile means.  Isn’t she supposed to be the dim one?

Over in ‘the snug’, Vinnie and Stephanie also discussed Kat and Jonas.  They are clearly trying to build up this romance for all its worth.

The men were told that they had to take part in a ‘hunk off’.  Part of the competition was a swimwear round and they were told that they had to wear mankinis.  Sisqo, seemingly oblivious to the irony, was mortified at the thought of wearing a thong.  He’s a very serious little man and was deeply disturbed by the concept of ‘ass out’.  He thought it might help if he changed the colour of the outfit, but I don’t see how that would help cover the ass.  If you’re going to get so angry about showing your bum you probably shouldn’t have recorded a track called ‘The Thong Song’.

Resigned to his fate, he went to shave.  Eww.

Dane and Stephen refused to wear the mankinis, so they get trunks instead.  They start laughing about the fact that they got away with it and Sisqo looked close to tears.

Vinnie commented on the meeting of minds that was Alex and Stephen: ‘If bullshit was music there’d be a brass band in the lounge right now.’

The hunk off began, hosted by Vinnie, with all the ladies as judges.

Round 1: Evening wear.  They picked the cheesiest music ever for this, which was very funny, but it soon got really annoying.

Round 2: Swimwear.  Stephen wore trunks and a vest – he should have just gone with the mankini.  Dane was also covered up, which kept the mankinis a surprise.  Jonas came out in his leopardskin mankini and ‘revealing’ really isn’t the word to describe it.  I’d probably go for ‘disturbing’.  Sisqo was out next and looked mental, but he has got a very peachy ass.  Unsurprisingly, Alex loved showing off in his pink costume and streaky tan.  Sov could barely breathe for laughing.  Sisqo finally looked relieved when he was told that he had a sexy booty.  All’s well that ends well.

Round 3: Talent Show.  Stephen read a poem, which was bonkers.  This is a polite way of saying that it was rubbish.  Dane did a ten second massage on all the ladies.  Jonas gave them all his ‘special kiss on the cheek’.  Luckily, this wasn’t a euphemism.  Sisqo sang, which actually made some kind of sense.  Alex did the splits over two chairs.

Vinnie is actually quite funny and did a good job of the presenting.  In case you’re curious, Sisqo won.

This half of the round-up ended with Katia and Jonas having a snuggle on the smokers’ bench.

Live Show:

The new housemate is Ivana Trump.  I have no opinion whatsoever, other than her name is a silly pun about farting.  Davina did a mini-interview with her before she went in and her English is barely comprehensible.  Great choice.

Day 5:

Kat talked to Sov about her flirting, which she then discussed with Jonas.  They’re surprisingly open for BB contestants.  Kat stressed the innocent nature of their flirting.  Those of you who can see what is coming can keep your mouths shut.

Sisqo finally realised the deeper meaning of the whole thong incident.  Well done him.

Jonas seems to actually really like Kat.  He’s refreshingly earnest and I can almost forgive him for his awful music.

Kat admitted that she feels awful about the innocent flirting.  She admitted this while she was hugging in bed with Jonas. He’s clearly smitten, so he started kissing her.  I don’t think her boyfriend’s going to be very happy.

Live Show:

As there was no eviction, we were ‘treated’ to a variety performance.

Vinnie did a ventriloquists act with Stephen as his dummy (a giant rabbit).  Yet another nightmarish image from this year’s CBB.

Dane and Alex did a duet of ‘Especially for You’.  Dane was dressed as Kylie.  It wasn’t funny.  They had a hard task as it was never going to live up to Ulrika and Verne’s Endless Love from last year.

Sisqo, dressed as a gay ringmaster, performed a magic act with Sov as his assistant.  He made her disappear with the magic words: ‘Dinga-linga-ling school bell ring, booyakka booyakka.’  Yeah, I think he’s mental too.

The illusion reached the point when Sov was supposed to reappear, but we actually got Ivana instead.  There wasn’t much of a reaction as no one seemed to know who she was.

What a disappointing way to end the show.

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CBB 2010: Day 4

January 8, 2010 Leave a comment

It was another day of madness in the Big Brother house.

It all started with Stephanie having a bath whilst wearing a dress and sunglasses.  It completely epitomised pure Hollywood glamour.

Heidi called Stephen a fucking dork.  She’s rapidly becoming my favourite, despite the lips.

‘Jonas has been playing alone in the snow for 9 minutes’: don’t worry, he wasn’t wanking.  As he played, a tree started talking to him.  Yes, a tree.  Anyway, the tree gave him the task of taking a bottle of sand (from inside its trunk) and sprinkling it secretly into someone’s bed to win some fancy sheets for Stephanie.  As a man of honour, he tried to resist but the tree was persistent, even calling itself ’the tree of temptation’.  He eventually took the sand.

I promise that I’m not making this up.  The tasks are seriously weird this year.

Stephen then taught Alex, the professional fighter, how to box.  Apparently Mike Tyson had told him what to do when he bumped into him once.  You really had to see it to believe it.  I’m beginning to think that there are no limits to Stephen’s talents.

Jonas decided that it was unacceptable to pour sand in anyone’s bed, and owned up in front of everyone.  He was being a bit melodramatic about it, like he had been asked to shit in their beds.  Sisqo then went to the diary room to discuss it and reacted to it as if he’d just uncovered the watergate scandal.   Let’s just clarify: it was a bit of sand.

Heidi told the group a bit more about life in prison, it didn’t sounds great.  She actually comes across as a real person and is surprisingly one of the more likeable housemates.

Unsurprisingly, Stephen doesn’t believe in evolution.  However, his reasons for not believing in it just show that he doesn’t understand it.  For the record, we didn’t evolve from apes, Stephen.  Try reading a book.  Jonas actually stood up for science.  Who’d have thunk it?

Jonas really struggled to understand Katia’s explanation of why she’s ’famous’.  No comment.

Jonas (and Sov) had to do a punishment for the whole sand fiasco.  They were locked in a room that had one bed, a wooden chair, some water, bread and apples.  Oh, and a Basshunter ‘song’ was played on repeat.  Vinnie described the music to Stephen as ‘a lighter-hearted Prodigy’.  Sov said she hated the music.  Which was understandable but a bit embarrassing.  The show ended with a montage of them stuck in the room and a cackling clown laugh.

It’s all very disturbing.

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CBB 2010: Day 3

January 7, 2010 2 Comments

A few people have struggled to make an impression so far; Sov, Katia  and Dane weren’t even mentioned in my post yesterday.  Let’s see if they could finally be noticed.

It’s Vinnie’s 45th birthday and as a present he learns what an eviction is called.  It’s called ‘an eviction’.

Stephen was banging on about god again.  It seems that he actually believes in the devil.  And that he has a job.  The job is to be the devil.  It’s a very complex theory.

Sisqo sang some RnB style wailing song.  It made me wet with emotion.

Stephen started banging on about god, yet again.  He claims that if a man held a gun to his daughter’s head and demanded that she said ‘Jesus doesn’t exist’, he’d expect to ‘see her in heaven’.  What a loving father.   The true morality of the Christian.

In the bedroom, Heidi said that preaching is disgusting.  I’m liking her more and more.  Mainly because she doesn’t like Stephen.

Lollage.  Heidi described the tortures of 3 years of prison.  Jonas responded by revealing his masturbation problem.  He once did it 25 times in day.

Classic Stephanie quote: ‘Boy boys need to be told “Don’t you diss me.”‘

Jonas (the Basshunter) explained what it was like to have Tourettes: ‘Why do I say dick instead of saying pancakes?’

Tonight’s task was like a repressed abuse memory.  It featured:  Vinnie stuck in a phone box, Stephen in a room full of mousetraps and Sisqo and Stephanie sticking their hands up some frozen chickens.  Alex then had to go into a room wearing a mask with a long nose and pop balloons filled with brown sauce and mustard.  As a result they successfully passed the task, but they’ll never be the same again.

To celebrate, Basshunter invented ‘fart tennis’.  Then they had a boring party.

The show ended with lots of speculation with regards Katia and Jonas fancying each other.  It would be CBB if they didn’t invent a romance.

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CBB 2010: Day 2

January 6, 2010 Leave a comment

There still hasn’t been too much that has developed so far, so I can only give you my slightly sarky comments on stuff that has happened.  Last night’s epsiode was all about Stephen.

The housemates were woken for their first morning in the house by the horrific laughing clown alarm clocks.  They are devices of pure evil and they’d make me immediately leave the house.

Nicola seems the embodiment of nice-but-dim.  I feel like I’m going to be accused of only thinking she’s nice because I am a man.

Stephen said: ‘I’m recognised almost anywhere I go on the planet.’  Almost anywhere, except in the big brother house.

In a possible first for CBB, Stephen was shown praying.  Nobody likes a swot.

As Sisqo talked about meeting the Notorious B.I.G., Heidi looked dead.  Stephanie then randomly steered the conversation to her dog having tattoos.  Sisqo thought that it was acceptable to tattoo dogs as long as he didn’t do it.

Stephen gave some really cringey speech about what it’s like to be a Christian and everyone applauded.  I began praying that they only clapped out of politeness.

Then, in yet more Stephen news, he advised Alex to have plastic surgery and go to acting school.  It was all a bit creepy and it made me uncomfortable just watching.  Alex looked like he was enjoying having his ego stroked.

Alex doesn’t seem instantly detestable, so, like with Andre, you have to wonder how he could put up with Jordan.  Surely no one can like melons that much.

The housemates were given a task, to win ‘luxury’ food items (including the well known luxury, milk), that was inspired by William Tell.  While lying on their backs, with a catapult stretched between their spread legs, they had to shoot paintballs at items of food sat on a shelf above someone’s head.  Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds.

After giving her a bit of a slating, I started to warm to Heidi when she said that she thinks Stephen may be a bit of an idiot.

The show ended when Basshunter\Jonas postulated a theory that the loudness of a fart is directly proportional to the hairiness of the arse.  He is only able to do loud farts as his anus is waxed.  I hadn’t realised, beforehand, that he was such an intellectual.

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CBB 2010: Day 1

January 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Due to the constraints of television and time required to blog, I’m only writing about day 1 of Celebrity Big Brother on day 3.  I’m sure you’ll all cope.

Last night’s programme was a recap of the usually quite boring entrances.  With no drama to comment on, I’ll just give you my first impressions.  The very first impression I had was that Stephen comes across as a potential serial killer.  Lovely stuff.

Nicola asked Alex, ‘Are you really that colour or have you had a spray tan?’  Nobody is that colour, love.

Stephanie Beacham surely must be acting up her old ‘I’m such an old-school Hollywood
superstar’ persona because surely nobody is actually like that.  She’s so preposterous that I quite like her.

Sisqo seems indeterminately weird.  This can only be a good thing.

Is Nicola really as thick as she is coming across?  She is surely putting it on for the whole Jade\Chantelle effect.

Bowers looked terrified when he first saw Alex.

I don’t really understand why they put Heidi Fleiss in there.  My only theory is that it’s because she looks like a slightly younger version of Jackie Stallone.  Her main selling point is that she looks wrecked and runs a launderette.  She also came out with the classic line: ‘Thank god for abortion.’ – nice.

Basshunter had allegedly just arrived in the house directly from a New Year’s party.  Whoop whoop.

Then some young girl turned up.  Oh, it’s Katia, the ex-girlfriend.  They’ve probably offered her a lot of money to appear, but it seems psychological suicide for her to be in there.

It’s worrying when Vinnie Jones seems to be the normal one.

Apparently Basshunter had to do a show for the president of Kazakhstan over Christmas.  This fact left me speechless.

Hmmm.  I’ve come to the conclusion that Nicola isn’t putting it on and really is that thick.  She asked the question: ‘Vinnie, do you like support a football team?’

Sov used to collect football stickers.  Fair play to her.

Stephanie is going to miss her special sheets.

And that concludes my comments for day 1.  We’re still at the stage where everyone is being polite, and it will take a few days before it all beds in and the interesting stuff happens.  I’m looking forward to it.

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CBB 2010: In They Go

January 3, 2010 Leave a comment

I thought it would be only right and proper for me to blog about Celebrity Big Brother.  It may be the most mental programme on TV, and so let’s all bask in this final series.  Unless we get bored.

I’ve heard the odd rumour about who is going in, but I don’t know any for sure.  I’m going to write about tonight’s first episode as I watch it, so please forgive any mistakes.  Let’s get on with the show.

Gosh, Davina had extremely tight pants on.

First into the house was Stephen Baldwin.  Who is one of the Baldwins: Alec, Daniel, Stephen and, err, Mike.  Oh great, he’s a right-wing Christian nut.  I want him out already.

There’s a lot of fast forwarding going on tonight, so I might miss something.

Next comes ‘Nicola T’ who is apparently some kind of glamour model.  I’ve never seen her before, but, of course, I never look at Page 3.  She is apparently releasing a single which features Coolio – exciting.  She managed to dressed both demurely and a bit slutty, which is really some achievement.  She looks a bit like Lucie out of the X Factor.

Hopefully someone will come in soon that I have an opinion on.

Alex Reid is next, who is a cross-dressing cage fighter.  He is most famous for going out with Jordan.  Do we really need to have more excuses to have her in the tabloids?  Slightly depressing.

Stephanie Beacham.  Well, at least I’ve heard of her.  And she had a fling with Ken Barlow, which is quite amusing.

Lady Sovereign is chavtastic.   Davina really built up how successful her career is, but it makes you question why she is coming on to Big Brother.  She seems to be a ridiculous little character and so is a potential winner.  She introduced herself to someone by saying, ‘what’s up, big man?’  Instant legend.

His name is Sisqo and he loves thongs.  Fair play to the lad.  Omg, he entered the house by performing The Thong Song.  He is already my favourite, the nutter.

Dane Bowers.  Lollage and roffles.  A comedy legend enters the house.

Heidi Fleiss, the ‘Hollywood Madam’.   Yawn.  She looks like Alice Cooper without the make-up.

Jonas Altberg aka Basshunter.  A Swede who has committed crime after crime against music.  He does have a comedy Hans Klaussner style accent though, which is fun.  He also went in to the house wearing a velvet dinner jacket, which means that he either has a sense of humour or is a tit.  Either way, it makes him a potentially great housemate.

Katia Ivanova is 21, from Kazakhstan and went out with ageing rocker Ronnie Wood.  How long is it before someone does a Borat impression to her?  She looks like she’s just been dragged in off the street to make up the numbers.  She doesn’t have a Borat-style accent, disappointingly.

Lollage and Roffles, the twin poodles of mirth, are in full effect as Vinnie ‘The Sphinx’ Jones enters the house.

‘Are you LA?’ asks Stephanie.  No comment.

And that’s all the housemates revealed.  I thought that they were saving a couple of good ones until the end.  Oh well.

They’re instantly given an ‘icebreaker’ task.  They have to play ‘how many celebrities can you fit in a mini?’  They had 5 minutes to get all of them in it.  Dane, Sisqo and Sov decided that sitting in the boot counted as being ‘in the car’.  They were obviously wrong and had to try and squeeze in.   They managed to do it really quickly, so the 5 minutes seemed a bit ridiculous.

And that was that.  Let the mayhem begin.

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