With five housemates remaining there was always going to be a lot of padding and not much content.  It’s strange that the conclusion to the series should be so inherently anti-climatic.  This is my excuse for why this post is so short.

Day 26:

Vinnie moaned about not taking a part in the latest Rambo movie because it didn’t pay enough.  He then mocked people for wearing clothes from Next.  Alex picked him up on it, saying that he’d be losing votes.  Vinnie was overly confident that he’d beat Alex.  Hmmmm.

Errm.  That was about it for Day 26.

Live Show:

I didn’t really have a favourite to win, mainly I just didn’t want it to be Vinnie because his ‘man of the people’ schtick was so disingenuous.

Stephanie was evicted first, and came fifth.  They played the Dynasty theme tune as she left.  How very droll.

The interview was perfunctory.

Jonas was evicted next.  He seemed to forget how to speak English during the interview.  I think he was just nervous and he was comically over-bullish about being over Katia.  Despite some tough talk, you could tell that he was actually upset.  He came across as a very genuine person.

Vinnie came third.  He left to quite a few boos.

Dane came second.  He also came across as a decent bloke and deserved to do well for the fake nightmare incident alone.

This, of course, meant that Alex won.  Who would have thunk it?  He seemed quite overwhelmed by winning, so I guess it’s good thing that he won, as it really meant a lot to him.  Jordan got booed a lot though.  Which was good.

And that was it.  It’s been an enjoyable series overall, despite nothing overly dramatic happening.  It’s a shame that there won’t be a series next year.

Day 24:

The housemates had an hour to sculpt a copy of the Lionel Ritchie bust out of the Hello video.  Whilst blindfolded.  It was an inspired task.  A Lionel look-a-like came in to judge the busts and they thought it was the real Lionel.

Over the last couple of days, the housemates keep mentioning the amazing friendship between Alex and Jonas.  If this is the case, why have we seen so little evidence of it?

Live Show:

Ivana was evicted.  No big surprise.  Not really bothered.

The housemates were dressed in animal costumes and Nicola was called to the diary room to be secretly evicted.  She was squirreled away out of a back corridor.  With no shoes on.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for liking the dim glamour model, but she seems like a nice girl.

In the big twist, Davina went into the house, whilst wearing Nicola’s chicken costume.  She was giddy with excitement.  Her job was to keep the chicken costume on and not let on who she was.  Vinnie knew straight away that it wasn’t Nicola.

The whole thing seemed extremely sinister.

Day 25:

The tree of temptation told Vinnie that he had to tell Alex that he had once cross-dressed and really loved it.  He then had to make lunch and then get emotional, telling the other housemates that they were more important to him than his friends outside the house.  He didn’t want to do it, but reluctantly agreed to avoid punishments.  Anyway, he did it and it was quite amusing.

In the diary room, Alex seemed genuinely moved by the whole BB experience. It was quite sweet.

The housemates were given their farmyard costumes, which we already know became relevant later.

Ivana is evicted.  Nicola went to the diary room and was replaced by Davina.  The housemates tried to get her chicken head off so they could see who she was.  She did lots of strange mimes, probably because she was freaking out, but she ended up just scaring the housemates.  Why didn’t they just let her talk?  They joke was only funny for about 5 seconds and then it was just mind-blowingly tedious.

Eventually, and I mean eventually, Davina was allowed to take her chicken head off.  And then she immediately left the house.  What was the point of it?  The series seems to be ending with a whimper.

Ivana was asked to go to the diary room.  She was told that she has been nominated for an award by a Scandinavian magazine show, Kugel Fresh, and that she’d be taking part in a live link up, via satellite, to the awards ceremony.   The other housemates were told that it was a completely fictitious award, but they had to convince her that it was real.  As Jonas is Swedish, he had to do the most convincing, but he was a rubbish actor.  He said that the ceremony was held in the same location as the Grammy Awards.

Ivana ‘won’ the award and she had to give a speech.  The other housemates were then told that they had to ruin her moment of glory by telling her that the award was rubbish (it was a glass vase stuck to a bit of wood), drinking from it and then smashing it.  Sadly, the award smashed when Stephanie picked it up, so they didn’t have chance to really get into it all.  They had to resort to getting one of the larger shards and drinking from that.  Stephanie had to go to the diary room as she couldn’t stop laughing.  When she came out, Ivana tried to console her as she was ‘so upset’.  I have a new found respect for Stephanie’s acting talent.

Big Brother announced that it was all a hoax and Ivana seemed to take it on the chin.  As a result, they won a ‘glamorous awards party’.  At the party, each housemate had to reveal a category and choose who they had to give the award to.  Stephanie was upset that Alex gave her the ‘bitchiest housemate’ award.

Jonas sprayed Alex with fake tan.  It’s something that I really didn’t need to see.  But it was extremely funny.  Alex looked like he had been varnished.

Dane said that his sex tape was the biggest thing on the internet.  That just sounds like bragging to me.

They were given a task of being chained together with people they haven’t bonded with.  The meant: Vinnie & Ivana, Jonas, Nicola & Stephanie and Dane & Alex.  It was a pretty rubbish task.  There was some petty arguments and Nicola told a rubbish joke.  Dane and Alex discussed Siamese twins.  Alex pondered ‘how it happens’ as if they originally aren’t stuck together.

Jonas said that he loses all self confidence when he talks to Vinnie because he’s one of his favourite actors.  I don’t know which bit of that statement makes me feel sadder.

Vinnie said that a pair of socks costs £400.  Alex and Dane challenged  him over being the ‘people’s champ’.  Isn’t that what I said yesterday?  Scary.  Vinnie didn’t take to this very well and was just nasty in response.  His true colours are perhaps peeping through.

Dane was called to the diary room.  As ‘keeper of the key’, he, and a housemate of his choice, could visit a very special place when everybody else was asleep.  He picked Jonas, who said that he loved Dane for picking him.  Bless.

Jonas and Dane went into the special place.  They had beers, pizza and a nintendo wii.  I can’t believe they were actually nice to them.  That was the end.  Quite a dull episode.

Vinnie said that Stephanie is playing to the public because she said that two characters have left the house.  He feels that there is friction between them, even though they used to be bezzies.  Vinnie declared that he represents ‘the public’ more than anyone else in the house.  This theory would be undermined by some of his subsequent conversations.

Stephanie bounced up and down on the exercise ball.  Nicola copied her while sat on the sofa.  It made me laugh a bit.

In the sixties, Stephanie lived in a commune.  Living in the BB house feels like ‘coming home’ to her.  Far out, man.

The Tree of Temptation spoke to Nicola and gave her a challenge.  In response, she said ‘yeah’ about 50 times.  To win a message from home, she had to tell all the other housemates a home truth, but then give them a kiss.  The tree gave her an example of a home truth: ‘You’re well fit, but you look a bit like Bruce Forsyth.’  She didn’t twig that he actually meant it.

Nicola then came up with some of the greatest insults in the history of insultitude.

Ivana – “You look like a big fat orange in that tracksuit.”

Dane – “You’re handsome but you reminds me of Danny De Vito.”

Jonas – “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Roland Rat?” (poor Jonas looked devastated)

Alex – “When did you have your teeth whitened? They look green.”

Stephanie – “It looks like you’ve got a big bush on your head.”

In a break from the insults, Stephanie and Vinnie claimed that you need a hundred quid in your pocket at all times.  Just in case you need to buy a newspaper or toothpaste.  Vinnie’s ‘voice of the public’ mantle was seriously slipping.

Dane and Alex had an uncomfortable chat about Dane going round to Jordan’s house.  You could read between the lines about what actually happened, and it was painful to watch.

Nicola went out and talked to the tree as she was struggling to insult Vinnie.  I felt like I was watching a character in a children’s programme – I mean Nicola not the tree.  Tt was actually quite endearing.  She  nearly made the tree laugh by completely mishearing ‘I won’t give you an example’ as ‘he’s going bald’.  I hear by propose that Nicola and the ToT get their own spin-off show.  Here’s an example of their amazing conversation:

Nicola: I thought you were a nice tree.

ToT: Who told you that?

Nicola: I dunno.

Well, I’d watch it.

So, she finally had a crack at Vinnie by saying that he’s put on a load of weight.  He wasn’t having any of it.  She then struggled to get him to let her kiss him. And that was with her begging.  He eventually let her as he suspected it was all task related.  She richly deserved her message from home.

Vinnie discussed his Hollywood lifestyle and how many servants he had and how much it cost to have them.  The man of the people.

Supplied with wine and nibbles, the housemates had to play charades of celebrity faux pas.  They could win an extra five minutes in bed for every one they get right.  Cue the comedy montage.  Nicola seemed to get most answers right. She may have found her niche in life.

The show ended with Jonas telling Big Brother that he sometimes feels cut out of group discussions and feels lonely in the house.  I’d forgotten just how earnest he is.  Bless.

Sisqo started the day by doing some crazy dance in the garden.  It would not be enough to save him from eviction.

Stephanie got a bit upset in the diary room as the thought of not having the bible (assuming that Stephen was evicted) would be genuinely depressing.  She did know that it was a bit of a strange thing to say.  Stephen thought that she was being touched by the holy spirit.  I suspect that in a house where you have nothing to do any book would seem holy.

Dane and Stephanie made up a song that they could harmonise to.  I had a fear that it would be stuck in my head all day, but, luckily, it’s already vanished.  The housemates then made up another song that Alex sang along to in the bath.  Hilarious.

The housemates were given a task to make some flat pack furniture.  As Jonas has an unfair advantage (being Swedish), his job was to sabotage the task and make sure that one of the items didn’t get made.  Cue the obligatory comedy montage.  They failed, so they passed.

Dane and Vinnie hoped that it would be Ivana going home.  Whoops.

Dane invented the word ‘begruntle’.

Jonas threw a giant pan of cold water all over Alex in the shower.  This made me laugh more than it should have.  Alex felt that he had been ‘syndicated’.

Stephen was evicted.  Then it was Sisqo.  Everyone expected Stephen to go, but there were a few shocked faces about Sisqo’s exit.

The housemates were given a ‘Swedish spa’ treat.  Alex gave Stephanie and Ivana a massage with some wooden balls.  They loved it, the naughty girls.

Nicola: “Alex is literally a Labrador.”

Vinnie started the day by complaining to Big Brother that Sisqo was offensive about him and that he wanted something doing about it.  He then spoke to Dane about it and said that if they cameras weren’t there he would have sorted Sisqo out the previous night.

Vinnie went back to the diary room and was asked to repeat exactly what was said that offended him.  He wouldn’t say what was it was.

In the bedroom, Sisqo talked to Stephen about being ‘snippy’ for the last few days.  He looked terrible.  He apologised to Vinnie, who asked why he singled him out.  They were quite civilised about it all.  Again.

Nicola squeezed the spots on Alex’s back.  Nice.

When Stephen tries to look condescending at people, he just looks like the village idiot.

Dane was given a box to use his special key in.  He received a cake and some champagne, and then got to choose to give some cake to someone by patting them on the bum.  He slapped Stephanie’s ass.

The housemates were locked in the bedroom and given outfits for a tarts and vicars party, to celebrate 21 years of sobriety for Stephen.  We then got the customary montage to Amy Winehouse’s Rehab.

They had a game of pass the parcel.  Alex won some pink panties and, obviously, put them on.  Stephanie won a fake dog poo.

Stephanie received her cake in the diary room.  It dropped on her from above.  The others were all called to the diary room and we got a montage of them expecting cake splattage but nothing happening.  It was quite weird.  Stephanie was called back and they dropped another cake on her head.

Nicola told Stephen that she wanted to put the fake poo in Ivana’s bed.  He said that he couldn’t condone it.  She said, ‘Yeah, but it will be funny.’  So he sort of joined in, but then said again that he didn’t condone it.  Strange man.  They all had a good laugh though, it was strangely heartwarming.

Live Show:

Stephen was evicted.  I don’t quite know how I feel about it.  Yes, he’s a tit, but he was fascinatingly weird.  His exit interview was sadly dull.

There was another eviction and Sisqo was kicked out.  Are there a lot of Ivana fans out there?

The polls are now open to vote to win.  I don’t have a clue who it’s going to be.

Dane was justly rewarded with a replacement mystery key for his efforts.  He has to keep the fact that he has it a secret.

Stephanie said that Nicola’s boyfriend wouldn’t be worried about her being close with Dane (he was massaging her neck).  Was it a bit of a veiled insult?

Stephen stretched Alex’s legs.  It was a very Kowalski-esqe homo erotic moment.

The housemates were told that they’d receive a roast dinner.  The plates were piled high.  Even higher than when you go to the Toby Carvery and feel compelled to keep adding roasties.

Jonas was asked by Nicola if he’s bisexual (don’t know why) and he said that he wasn’t but he’d like to be.  He’s not afraid to grab another man’s balls or stick a pencil up a man’s ass.  So there.

In a series of CBB that has contained some very weird tasks, they really reached a new high (or low) in this episode.  They had to weave a load of offal into a complete cow. Yes, really.  And they played ’Size of a Cow’ by the Wonderstuff, over a montage of them doing it.  It was enough to turn you vegetarian.  Jonas asked Ivana if she’d ever
done it before. The answer was, unsurprisingly, no.

Nicola got upset about missing her baby, which was fair enough.

Alex used to ‘work’ at a mental asylum.

Stephen warned Big Brother that they should be aware of the word ‘wrath’.  In regard to life.  Whatever that meant.  He thought it would be funny if they went to hell.  He’s really giving Christians a great image.

A number of the housemates decided to ‘harmonise’ to Amazing Grace.  It was really funny.

Jonas is the kind of guy that reads science magazines every day.  Stephen uses this as an opportunity to mention god, but I wasn’t really listening.

The last 15 minutes of the show were really boring and can be summarised thusly: Sisqo thinks that he’s taking on Vinnie.  Vinnie doesn’t rise to it.

Sisqo guessed the reason that they were being punished but Dane dismissed it.

Vinnie christened Stephen ‘the weasel’.  The weasel then trained Alex by shouting ‘you’re frickin’ awesome’ at him.  The others all then made fun of the weasel and had a good genulol.

White sugar is worse then cigarettes proclaimed Dr Weasel.

Alex sounded like he was having an orgasm in the shower.  I think that the water was just cold.

All the sofas were replaced by benches.  Stephen liked it because it made him feel more like Jesus.  Nicola loved the benches because of the way that her bum cheeks went through the cracks (?)

‘Dane is in the garden using a blown up condom, wrapped in a towel, as a football.’  There’s one sentence that I never thought I’d ever hear.  At this point the tree of temptation started talking to Dane and gave him a challenge.  I said yesterday that I was a bit bored, but the ToT appeared to save the show.  In order to stop the punishments, Dane was asked to ruin the dinner by putting extra hot chilli powder into it.

Dane made some sauce for their steaks and emptied all the chilli powder into it.  What would the other housemates reaction be?  They absolutely loved it and couldn’t praise it highly enough.  They praised it so much that it was actually a little bit bizarre.  Dane looked gutted.

The bedding was changed in the bedroom to consist of a waterproof sheet, a picnic blanket and a hessian pillow.  They then found out who was up for eviction.  They made a big deal about it being all the Americans that were up.  What part of the States is Ivana from?  I don’t recognise the accent.

Dane was given a second chance, after failing to make the dinner inedible.  His challenge was to wait until everybody was asleep, scream – so that they all woke up, make up the details of a nightmare and get a sympathetic hug from somebody.

Sisqo got a bit weird when he had been nominated.

Alex went to the diary room and was very serious about the heating being too hot.  He suddenly turned into a trained police negotiator.  I don’t know where that came from.

Dane waited patiently for his moment and freaked out, waking everybody up.  Alex pounced and immediately got into his boxing pose.  Dane ran to the kitchen and tried to act spooked.  I don’t know how he stopped himself from laughing.  He got a hug from Nicola and Stephen thought a ghost had grabbed him.   Dane went into the bathroom and celebrated.  Awesome.

Vinnie made a bird feeder and the housemates were all ecstatic that some birds showed up.  It’s hard to comprehend how bored they must be.

Vinnie reiterates that he’s in the house to let people see what he’s really like.

Sisqo is tired of Alex getting his ass kissed by the other housemates.  When does this ever happen?  They all rip him!

I’m trying to watch this episode before football starts and so I’m not really paying that much attention.  That said, there are a lot of boring conversations going on.  They need a wacky task to stir them up a bit.

Stephen claims that Jonas only wore his undies and no vest.  He has a very selective memory when it suits him.

Ivana and Nicola had to act as models in a life drawing class.  They were allowed to wear flesh coloured underwear.  It wasn’t the wackiest task ever.  Ivana was a sight for sore eyes though.  Stephanie’s and Sisqo’s drawings were actually really good.

Sov is evicted.  Hooray.  As revealed yesterday, Ivana, Sisqo and Stephen are up for the public vote.

Stephen thinks he’s a saint.  The rest of the housemates thinks he’s a knob.  I can’t really be bothered going into details.

Some other stuff probably happened, but I got a bit bored.  Has the show run out of steam or am I just a bit tired?  I’ll see you tomorrow to find out.