Bears, Romcoms and Cats 2

March 9, 2011 1 Comment

I’m really struggling to think of anything to write on here.  It’s a nightmare.  Literally.

In an attempt to inspire myself, I thought I’d see what I wrote about this time last year.  What I wrote was Bears, Romcoms and Cats.  It was a post in which I discussed bears, romcoms and cats.  Three of my favourite topics.

The bear in question was me.  Don’t be afraid, I was only a metaphorical bear.  365 days later and I’m pleased to report that I’ve stopped growling and haven’t been involved in any honey-based adventures.

Hmmm.  The “recommended tags” feature is flagging up “Reese Witherspoon”.  Surely she is the queen of the sort-of-a-ghost romcom genre.  It also flagged up “Owen Wilson”.  He isn’t the king of any romcom sub-genres.  He ain’t even a prince.

Well, technically, this constitutes a blog post.  I’m sure that any adequate lawyer could rip that assertion to pieces, but it’s the best that I’m going to be able to muster.  Dinner time is over, kiddies.  Let’s go to work.

P.s.

Romcom Joke:

Q: What is the favourite grain and method of eating said grain of the star of hit sort-of-a-ghost romcom, Just Like Heaven?

A: Rice with a spoon.

Oh, yes.  I am the best.

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Costa Lot

January 13, 2011 2 Comments

What’s with the current obsession with coffee shops?  Where did people buy their hot beverages before they existed?  What did people do before they had a selection of 15 coffee shops in every medium-sized town centre? How would the British economy cope if the world’s entire coffee crop was blighted and the coffee shops had to close?  Why does a coffee cost so much in these places? More pertinently, why am I prepared to pay these outrageous prices?  Since when have teenagers been into coffee? Why aren’t they in school or getting pissed in the park?  Who are all these people who seem to have time to sit around all day sipping on some ridiculous fabricated coffee-based drink?  Why can’t the cup sizes just be called small\medium\large?  What do they feed the staff in Caffe Nero, Warrington that makes them so permanently perky?  Why are Costa Coffee so much slower at serving than the other chains?  Why are sandwiches so expensive in these places? Why do Starbucks call it “Skim Milk” instead of “Skimmed Milk”?  Just how much training do you need to become a skilled barista?

Phew…. I think I need to cut back on my caffeine intake.

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Ant’s Advice

December 30, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve been advised by Anthony that I should blog about something to let off some creative steam.  I’ve been gibbering even more than usual today.  The outburst that prompted his advice was when I told him that I’d love to have a wee right there at my desk, just to see how it felt.

I wasn’t being serious.  I am kind of curious.

What a world it would be if you could just wee yourself at the drop of a hat. And not just when a hat dropped, just any time you liked.  Well it would be a dreadful, smell, wet world.  It’s just generally a bad idea.  I’ll be honest, I hadn’t really thought it through.

Sometimes it’s good to be spontaneous, but I find that with urine-related matters that it’s best to stick with the tried-and-tested methods.

So, I’ve taken Ant’s advice.  Hopefully I’ll shut up a bit this afternoon.

I probably won’t.

 

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Absolute Shower

December 29, 2010 Leave a comment

I went to the gym yesterday in attempt to burn off some of the Christmas chocolate.  Whilst there, I encountered two breaches of shower etiquette.  Firstly, there was the old man (it’s always an old man), whose washing technique involved bending over and pulling his cheeks apart.  I don’t know if his reasons for this pose were arthritic or purely pervy, but there’s no excuse either way.

The second “incident” happened when I was leaving the shower.  I went to retrieve my towel, leaving my toiletries and locker key on the little tray thing.  Some may argue that I shouldn’t have hogged the shower, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable.  There’s nowhere to put your shower gel near the towel hooks and it’s essential to at least partially dry before returning to the changing room.  Anyway, as I turned to retrieve my things, another man gets under my shower without acknowledging that my stuff is there.  I gingerly approach and say something along the lines, “Excuse me, mate, can I just get my stuff.”  He completely blanked me.  At this point, I had no choice but to reach for my possessions as he showered, and he still didn’t flinch or register my presence, despite a clearly awkward and potentially homo-erotic moment.

There’s no conclusion to this tale other than the following question:  was he ignoring me as an attempt to force me into close proximity, did he ignore me as he was totally freaked out about showered near to other men, or was he just a cock?  I guess we’ll never know.

After my traumatic experiences, I trotted off to Asda (I needed some Corn Flakes, if you must know).  As I passed the George section, I saw a man pointing out a t-shirt to his wife that read: “Who ate all the pies?”, before erupting with a genuine belly laugh.  At that instant, I was simultaneously moved by the simple joy that he was able to glean from this seemingly innocuous item of clothing; whilst also appalled that anyone could think “Who ate all the pies?” was in any way amusing.

It was a very confusing day.

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Snow Joke

December 19, 2010 2 Comments

I hate snow.  There, I’ve said it.

Sure, if I lived in some kind of log cabin, and all I had to do all day was sit inside and look out of my large picture window whilst sipping freshly-brewed coffee, then I’d probably love it.  I don’t.  I live in Widnes, and I have to go out to stinking work.

Here’s a little secret for you: snow is made out of ice.  Yeah, you know when water is so incredibly cold that it turns solid?  That’s what snow is.  I don’t know about you, but I fucking detest being cold. It’s horrible.  If I were to stay outside in the extreme cold, then I’d literally die.  That’s not empty rhetoric.  That’s a physical fact.

Incredibly, I don’t look at Winter as an happy excuse to put on a big coat.  I’m not mental.  I’d rather be able to go around in my shirtsleeves all year round.  My love of bubble-jackets and bobble-hats really isn’t that strong.

So, sure, you can build a snowman, but this has to be weighed against the roads being turned into an icy death trap.  Once you’ve seen one snow man, you’ve seen them all.  It’s hardly worth perishing in a fiery car-based inferno for.

I may sound miserable (and I am, it’s miserably cold), but you know I’m right.  And if you don’t know, then you’re wrong.

Happy Christmas!

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Tis the Season to be Lazy

December 15, 2010 Leave a comment

When you have two weeks off work in early December, you’d think that it would be the ideal time to get all your Christmas shopping out of the way.  And you’d be right to think that. It is the absolute ideal time.

You won’t be surprised to learn that in my recent two weeks off work in early December that I did precisely zero Christmas shopping.  I’m really regretting it now.

In my defence, I was extremely busy.  My bed and sofa aren’t going to lie on themselves, are they? If only they would. What a wonderful, magical world it would be.  Beds and sofas in perfect harmony.  Searching for an everlasting peace for this crazy world that we call “the world”.  I digress.

I attempted to start the Chrimbo-shopfest yesterday.  I queued for about 2 minutes in HMV before getting annoyed and giving up?  Why had so many people decided to go CD shopping on a Monday dinnertime?  I could only conclude that it was the actions of a complete cretin, and I felt like telling them all so.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t apply to me; I was buying a DVD.  Anyway, I won’t reveal who it is that isn’t getting a present from HMV anymore, but I’ll apologise to them anyway.  Sorry.

I’d love to say that I had some master plan on how I was going to get all my presents bought, but I don’t.  The old “money in an envelope” option is looking increasingly likely.  Either that or a last minute trolley dash around Asda, frantically buying anything that comes within an inch of being appropriate.

I wish there was some hilarious denouement to this sorry tale, but there isn’t.  I just wanted to get it off my chest.  The whole experience has been so cathartic that I now feel fully comfortable in my shoddiness.

Thanks for listening.

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Annual Leave: The Paradox

December 10, 2010 Leave a comment

There is a paradox right at the very heart of having two weeks off work.

For the months leading up to your annual leave, it sits there majestically; block-booking a glorious fortnight from your otherwise tedious calendar.  Like a luscious, ripe plum, it hangs from the tree of work, offering such magical possibilities.  Part of you doesn’t believe that the day will actually ever come, and that you’ll be stuck in the office in perpetuity.  Nonetheless, the elusive moment eventually does arrive and a kind of quasi-religious fervour washes over you.  You may even shed a silent tear.  I know that I usually do.

The first week of your well-deserved rest flies so quickly that it appears to be in flagrant disobedience of the laws of physics.  Perhaps you’ll go to the library and loan Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, in the hope that it will shed some light on how Einstein’s laws of relativity are making you feel short-changed.  You probably won’t.  That would be wasting valuable bed-time.

During the middle weekend of your time off, you’ll probably awaken in a cold sweat, some time during the wee, small hours.  ”Dear God,” you’ll think.  ”Please don’t make me have to go back to that place.”  Luckily, you’ll fall back to sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’re going to have a mega-lie-in the next morning.

Sadly, those feelings of dread only get stronger, rapidly consuming your every waking moment.  By the middle of the week, your holiday has been completely ruined.  You’re more depressed than you thought was humanly possible.  You constantly feel sick at the thought of going back to that place, especially as you’ve only just fully relaxed.

You’re left with a thought that you’d never thought you’d think.  Was it actually worth having the time off?  Maybe you should have just stayed there until retirement, suffering the seemingly eternal drudgery.  Isn’t having a taste of freedom just too painful? Isn’t it a cruel trick played on us by some sinister higher power?  Perhaps the devil really does exist?

The question goes unanswered.  You’re just too sad to deal with such probing, philosophical thoughts.  Instead you wallow in your pit and try and forget that the inevitable is about to slap you round the face like a angry whelk.

This happens to all of you, doesn’t it?

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WordPress Wildfire

November 18, 2010 Leave a comment

My last post contained a complaint about my iPhone being rubbish, specifically with regards to blogging. Well I’ve got a new phone now and I’m blogging on it now.  I bet you’re all terribly excited about that.

I’ve purchased a HTC Wildfire. And that’s all I’ve got to say about it right now.  I’ve got work to be getting on with. See you later, alligators. 

P.s.

That mobile blogging experience was a massive improvement.  Just in case you were wondering.

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Mysterious Glow

November 16, 2010 2 Comments

So, I was driving home, when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a strange glowing shape in the sky. I couldn’t stop looking. What on earth (or otherwise) was it? As my driving was becoming increasingly erratic, I decided to pull over.

I got out of my car and looked over to the ethereal sight. Could this really be a UFO? Was I actually witnessing an extraterrestrial invasion? Or was it a spirit, a demon or a sprite? A malevolent force rent from the very earth itself.

I held my breath as the mystery came ever closer. You won’t believe it. It was only a plane.

Of course, this never happened. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and didn’t want to do another ‘oh, I’ve got nothing to write about, so I’ll write about not having anything to write about’ post.

I’m going now. I’m writing this on my beloved iPhone and, unfortunately, it’s now so buggy and slow that it’s virtually unusable. Does anybody know Apple’s policy on planned obselescence?

Night night. X

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I’m Alive

October 7, 2010 8 Comments

Hiya.  I just wanted to let you know that I’m still alive.  Not that I think that anybody was bothered.

Well, obviously some people are bothered whether I’m alive or not.  However, those people who are bothered whether I’m alive or not are those people who actually know me, and they already know that I am. Apart from those that don’t, but I think they’ll probably just assume that I am until they hear otherwise.

The point is that I’ve not been blogging much recently and I wanted to say hello.  I’m fully aware that I’m saying hello out of my own sense of self-indulgent vanity, rather than because there are loads of people impatiently looking at their monitors, distraught in their anticipation of my next blog post.  There are probably a few people like that.  You know who you are.

Anyway, I’ve written over 100 words, so I’m done.  Like an athlete recovering from a serious injury, I need to ease myself back in gently.

A bientot.

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