Stuff I Watched: Expendable Machines

June 1, 2011 1 Comment

The Expendables at Comic-Con 2010

Image by starbright31 via Flickr

Caprica: Sky One (Recorded 16th May, Watched 26th May)

The return of Caprica – the Battlestar Galactica prequel – was as unexpected as it was unheralded, and only my meticulous EPG scouring meant that I had any idea it was on.  Sometimes, OCD pays.  This episode actually marked the second half of the first season, despite this season starting in early 2010.  This delay means that the cancellation of the series happened over 6 months ago, begging the question of whether I should bother watching or not.

One of the consequences of the delay is that I couldn’t really remember what happened in the first 9 episodes. My only really recollection is that it was an intriguing premise but incredibly slow. The first 10 minutes of the episode certainly reinforced the slow motif, but they didn’t throw enough intrigue into it – despite blowing up a sports stadium, which I couldn’t work out whether it was real or not – to balance out the tedium.

Sadly, as a fan of BSG, I decided to give up. It was a series of unfulfilled potential.

The Expendables (Blu-Ray from Lovefilm, W 27th May)

I’ll be honest, this isn’t the type of film I’d usually even consider watching.  But then there’s that cast. Just about every shit action film star (notable exceptions being JCVD & Seagal) all thrown together into one giant shitfest, directed by Stallone. Well, it has a certain curio value, doesn’t it?

It’s safe to say that my expectations weren’t high, but, wow, it was a real stinker. And not in an enjoyable way. Really, the only thing going for it is the stunt casting. Oh, you need a bad guy, well here’s Eric Roberts. He needs a henchman, there’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hey, we need an unintelligible blonde guy, there’s only Dolph Lundgren that could fill the role. There’s a vacancy for an old bloke with a face like a smashed-up sausage, it’s Stallone time.

I did well to last an hour, but I think that was only because I got the disc from Lovefilm and was trying to get my money’s worth. I don’t know how it ended, but I assume they all lived happily ever after.  Apart from all the people that died.

All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace: BBC 2 (R 23rd May W 31st May)

I finally got around to watching the first episode of Adam Curtis’s new series. Wowser. It was worth the wait.

I should probably try and describe what the show was about, but I don’t even know exactly what it was.  It would probably be described as a documentary, but you can’t really call it that as it’s a completely authored piece. It’s safe to say that I didn’t understand it all.  Ayn Rand was featured heavily and I have trouble making sense of her at the best of times.  If I had to guess, I would say that it’s about the effect that machines have on our lives.  I think.

The most important thing was that I feel like I was being enriched as a person by watching it, and how often can you say that?  You might not necessarily agree with it all, but it will certainly have made you think.  I’m happy to live in a country where a programme like this could appear on a mainstream channel.

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Stuff I Watched: Game of Bores

May 18, 2011 3 Comments

I’m really struggling to get any telly watched lately, and I’m busy for the rest of the week, so I’m sneaking this in now.

Game of Thrones: Sky Atlantic (Recorded 18th April, Watched 17th May)

A large part of me not watching much telly recently is my current iPad addiction, but this was recorded WAY before I purchased the divine device.  With five episodes recorded – clogging up my Sky Planner –  I thought it was about that I forced myself to finally watch the first.  Forcing yourself to watch something isn’t really conducive to enjoyment.

Under normal circumstances, I would have been dancing around my house, exuding an abundance of excitement at the broadcast of a brand new, big budget HBO series, but my unenthusiasm has known no bounds with regards to Game of Thrones.  I know exactly why, too.  It’s the presence of the f-word.  No, not fuck.  I love a series with loads of fucks in it.  The f-word I refer to is, of course, fantasy.

Ugh. I shuddered even typing it.

I would have thought my aversion to the genre was for pretty self-evident reasons (ie everything about it, but especially the music), but people love all that swords and sorcery stuff, so who am I to comment?

So, what’s it about?  Some people with English accents – some genuine, some well dodgy – knock about in castles and talk about portentous stuff to do with kings.  Some people – well, some beautiful women – get naked for no apparent reason.  People ride horses and have swords.  There are some outdoors scenes that look like a higher budget version of Maid Marian and Her Merry Men.  Mark Addy plays some kind of king.  Sean Bean plays some kind of man in a fur cape, with a much chubbier face than I remember.  A midget gets a BJ.  There’s a lot going on, I’ll say that for it.

Bah.  I got 43 minutes in before giving up and deleting all the episodes. What a relief.

This has left me with a lingering thought, though. Did I really think it was that bad, or did I just use my prejudices to prematurely give up on it, so that I could catch up on my recorded programmes quicker?

I guess we’ll never know.  Sky Atlantic continues to slightly disappoint me.

The Night Shift: BBC 4 (iPlayer, Watched 17th May)

With too much telly to watch, and not enough time to watch it, isn’t it the perfect time to catch up on an Icelandic comedy on iPlayer?

I heard about The Night Shift on Rufus Hound’s excellent comedy-focused podcast, What’s So Funny?, and I immediately set it to record on my Sky Planner.  Annoyingly, I had missed the first 6 Episodes.   I don’t know how this happened, because my scouring of the Sky EPG is quite meticulous.  Anyway, I hate missing any new comedy programmes, and I love subtitled stuff (snob), so I was overjoyed to find all the episodes still available on iPlayer.

The show is a single-camera, fly-on-the-wall style show about three guys working the night shift at the petrol station.  There’s not much more to it than that.  It was a worry that the subtitles might drain away all the comic-timing, but this is a comedy of awkwardness, and so many of the laughs come from the painful pauses.  Oh, those beautiful, painful pauses.

It’s well worth a watch, so get involved.

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Stuff I Watched: Spiral

May 10, 2011 3 Comments

So, in my quest to write about “proper stuff” (see here), please welcome back Stuff I Watched.  I had wanted to write about more than one programme, but time is not really permitting this week.  You’ll have to make do with this.

Spiral BBC 4 (Recorded 7th May, Watched 7th May)

Last Saturday saw BBC4 screen the final two episodes from season three of the uber-grim French police drama, Spiral.  I’ve read quite a few press pieces which have touted this as a replacement for uber-grim Danish police drama, The Killing.  I’d like to point out to those journalists that some of us have been with Spiral since 2006, so nurrr.

It’s one of those series that is so emotionally draining that the programme-makers need two to three years rest between seasons.  After the events of season three, though, it may be a decade before we next meet our Parisian law-keepers (I think they still, just about, qualify as law-keepers…sort of).  In short: Laure totally unravelled before our eyes, leading to an ill-advised affair with a rival cop; Gilou accidentally shot someone, resulting in the team falsifying evidence to save him; saintly Judge Roban resorted to ransacking his own office and breaking his own strict moral code; hapless newcomer, Arnaud, was blackmailed for sleeping with a minor; and poor Pierre resigned from his beloved career as a public prosecutor and ended up being falsely accused of raping a client. Oh, and let’s not forget Josephine, who continued to just be Jospehine (her list of crimes is too long to list).

They’re just the incidental details. The main plot threads have seen Laure’s team track down a sadistic serial killer with links to a ruthless prostitution ring, whilst Judge Roban has investigated shady goings on at the town hall; an investigation which threatened not just to end his career but see his own brother incarcerated. Since it’s clearly not an easy watch, it’s a good job that it’s an incredibly rewarding series.

Episode 11 felt like it was just filling time and tidying up in preparation for the finale (which isn’t to say that it was bad). The most significant moment came when Josephine signed her soul to the devil (aka Mr Szabo), with the intention of helping Pierre, rather than her usual self-serving motives. Elsewhere, Dylan, he who accused Pierre of rape, showed his truly sinister side by wearing a Man United scarf.

And so to the finale. On the plus side, Laure finally caught up with Ronaldo (the serial killer), but you should know, by now, that all didn’t end well. On the way, Ronaldo killed one of the pimps and managed to torture another young woman, although she thankfully survived. Also, Arnaud committed suicide, just to make sure the tone didn’t veer too close to a happy ending.  As with the season two finale, Pierre and Josephine were bit part players, but the bit they did take part in – involving a kiss that threatened to set the TV on fire - was compelling. Poor Roban’s case wasn’t resolved, but he did get to give his boss a terrific lecture on doing the right thing.  He’s like the French Columbo, or something.

With the episode, and the season, rapidly drawing to a close, the cops cornered Ronaldo in a suitably seedy warehouse.  Inevitably, it’s Laure that finds him and feels compelled to shoot him before Gilou and Tintin are able to make an arrest. Unsurprisingly, they decide to cover for her as she is dejectedly hauled away for questioning. It’s the only way fitting way that it could have finished.

Apparently seasons four and five have already been commissioned.  I can’t wait to see them, but I dread to think what our unhappy band of brothers is put through next.

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Stuff I Watched: Bored To Death

April 6, 2011 3 Comments

The launch of Sky Atlantic was one of the most exciting televisual events for years.  All of HBO’s content on one channel, along with the best of Sky’s other US imports?  What wasn’t to love about it?  OK, so many people objected to Murdoch’s monopoly, but from a programming perspective, it was all gold.

The reality, for me, hasn’t lived up to the expectations.  I gave up on a number of shows after one or two episodes, out of boredom (Blue Bloods, Big Love, How to Make it in America). I made it up to episode 4 of Boardwalk Empire only because I was convinced it would suddenly get better.  It didn’t.  It’s one of the most crushing disappointments in recent TV history.  Some stuff I love, but I’ve seen before and enough times not to watch again (Battlestar Galactica, Curb Your Enthusiasm).  There’s another batch of shows that I’d like to watch, but they’ve not shown them from the first season (24, Weeds, Entourage).  The only programmes I’ve been watching are The Sopranos – which is amazing, but I’ve seen them all before – and Treme.  It has to be said that Treme is excellent – the cast, script and style are all up to the standard you would expect from the creators of The Wire – but it is still a slight disappointment because I don’t yet love it (very harsh, but true).

An opening title for Bored to Death

Image via Wikipedia

Thankfully, I’ve just added a show to the list, the excellent Bored To Death (Mondays, 22:20), possibly the saviour of the channel.

OK, that last comment was total hyperbole, but I’m trying to make an exciting post here, so bear with me.

Bored To Death is a bit of an odd-fish, but in a good way, like a surprise chippy tea, rather than a haddock left to rot in an air vent.  It’s ostensibly an off-beat detective show; frustrated, borderline alcoholic writer, Jonathan Ames (a parallel universe version of show creator, writer Jonathan Ames) turns private investigator after his girlfriend leaves him.  So far, so like a million other gimmicky detective shows.  What sets this apart is two-fold.  Firstly, it has the atmosphere of a really cool, indie-flick.  The fictional Jonathan is even played by cool, indie-flick actor Jason Schwartzman.  The second thing that separates it from the pack is that it’s really funny.  With the overall “indie” vibe of the series – replete with quirky sidekicks ably played by Ted Danson and Zach  ”I wonder what that’s worth as Scrabble” Galifianakis – it could get away with only being marginally funny and generating knowing titters from clever character interaction.  It doesn’t; it’s hilarious.  Each episode is only a half-hour long, and it’s effectively just an unusual sitcom.

So, I’ve probably over-hyped it now and ruined it for you all, but give it a try anyway.  There have only been two episodes screened, so far, and you can probably catch the second on a repeat. Sometimes, repeats are your friend.

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Bloody X Factor

September 26, 2010 14 Comments

It’s Sunday night and I’m watching The X Factor. I’ve made the mistake of watching it pretty much live, so I can’t fast forward through the boring bits. There are lots of boring bits. I wish they’d get on with it.

Last year I wrote ridiculously long posts about the live shows. It was quite a bind, to be honest, but they did get quite a few hits. I’m a whore for those hits. I’ve not decided yet whether to do the same this year; at the moment I’m really not feeling it.

Oh god, why don’t they just get on with it!

For someone who claims that they like The X Factor, I spend an awful lot of time moaning about it. It’s quite weird and I don’t have any satisfactory reason for why.

Louis had a little cry; Simon chewed his pen. Overly dramatic music. Contestants bawling. This means everything to me. Some things never change.

So. They’re about to make the earth shattering announcements. I’m off to watch it.

I wish I could say it was nail biting. It isn’t.

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Negative Energy Vampire?

June 16, 2010 4 Comments

When I was getting changed in the gym this morning (yes, I’m still going), I had the misfortune of watching some of The Jeremy Kyle Show.  I’m not entirely sure why this was on in the male changing rooms instead of the obligatory Sky Sports News, but it was.  And it was frightful.

I know that I’m not being particularly topical or original by having a pop at Jezza’s circus.  Charlie Brooker’s You Have Been Watching pretty much destroyed it just a few weeks ago.  What I will say is that it’s one of those programmes that everyone makes fun of (ha ha, let’s laugh at the chavs), but it’s only when you stop and pay attention to it that you realise how unspeakably awful it really is.

Predecessors of Kyle, such as the archetypal Jerry Springer show, had the same basic format of winding up rednecks and watching them go.  What makes JK so insidious is his blatant baiting of society’s most vulnerable, which he does in a patronising, borderline sociopathic way.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that I was watching a straight-to-video sci-fi movie about an alien who can only survive by feeding off the negative emotions of others and has found his perfect home as the host of a day-time ITV talk show.  I was expecting him to reveal his true face at any moment, before a plucky band of survivors managed to finish him off using the only thing known to harm him: kindness.

It’s all too easy to feel smug and superior about the people that Jezza humilates, but don’t forget that they are actual, real human beings (unless they’re all fake).  Since the programme’s producers have a duty  of care to their guests, I propose the following pyschological test.  If you feel that appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show is the appropriate way of dealing with sensitive personal problems, then you should instantly banned from appearing.

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Jamie Oliver\Sid James

May 5, 2010 5 Comments

Jamie Oliver is wearing his Sid James hat and sunglasses again. There’s really no call for it. He’s just got cuttlefish ink everywhere. He’s such a buffoon. He’s also the chef that is most pleased with his own work. Has he ever cooked a dish without saying “I’m really proud of that” afterwards? No, I didn’t think so.

I can’t really moan too much because, at the end of the day, I am sat here watching his stupid programme. If I slag him off too much then I’ll just make myself look an idiot. And he’s not that bad, is he? He bangs lemons about before squeezing them, and that’s not to be sniffed at.

Ah. This is what my Wednesday nights have come to. Lay on the sofa, watching Jamie Oliver and writing a blog post about it. I’m writing it on my phone because I’m too tired to move. Won’t somebody come and make me a brew? It’s quite inhumane how I’m being treated.

I’ve just had a text message from JLS that said: “Spaghetti and shells – how on earth do you eat that! Im watching jamie by the way!” He’s 100% right. What a completely mental meal. You can’t eat such a thing. It’s totally impossible. The fool.

Anyway, I’m off. The Halifax FM advert has just been on and it’s made me want to kill myself. I’m going to have to make myself a brew instead. Thanks for nothing.

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CBB 2010: The Final

January 30, 2010 Leave a comment

So, Celebrity Big Brother is finally over and I no longer have to force myself to churn out daily updates.  It’s like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Let’s get this whole thing over and done with.

With five housemates remaining there was always going to be a lot of padding and not much content.  It’s strange that the conclusion to the series should be so inherently anti-climatic.  This is my excuse for why this post is so short.

Day 26:

Vinnie moaned about not taking a part in the latest Rambo movie because it didn’t pay enough.  He then mocked people for wearing clothes from Next.  Alex picked him up on it, saying that he’d be losing votes.  Vinnie was overly confident that he’d beat Alex.  Hmmmm.

Errm.  That was about it for Day 26.

Live Show:

I didn’t really have a favourite to win, mainly I just didn’t want it to be Vinnie because his ‘man of the people’ schtick was so disingenuous.

Stephanie was evicted first, and came fifth.  They played the Dynasty theme tune as she left.  How very droll.

The interview was perfunctory.

Jonas was evicted next.  He seemed to forget how to speak English during the interview.  I think he was just nervous and he was comically over-bullish about being over Katia.  Despite some tough talk, you could tell that he was actually upset.  He came across as a very genuine person.

Vinnie came third.  He left to quite a few boos.

Dane came second.  He also came across as a decent bloke and deserved to do well for the fake nightmare incident alone.

This, of course, meant that Alex won.  Who would have thunk it?  He seemed quite overwhelmed by winning, so I guess it’s good thing that he won, as it really meant a lot to him.  Jordan got booed a lot though.  Which was good.

And that was it.  It’s been an enjoyable series overall, despite nothing overly dramatic happening.  It’s a shame that there won’t be a series next year.

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CBB 2010: Day 24, Live Show and Day 25

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve been busy, the last couple of nights, so I had to catch up on 3 episodes very quickly, yesterday.  As a result, the post won’t be as long as normal, but, luckily, not a great deal happened.

Day 24:

The housemates had an hour to sculpt a copy of the Lionel Ritchie bust out of the Hello video.  Whilst blindfolded.  It was an inspired task.  A Lionel look-a-like came in to judge the busts and they thought it was the real Lionel.

Over the last couple of days, the housemates keep mentioning the amazing friendship between Alex and Jonas.  If this is the case, why have we seen so little evidence of it?

Live Show:

Ivana was evicted.  No big surprise.  Not really bothered.

The housemates were dressed in animal costumes and Nicola was called to the diary room to be secretly evicted.  She was squirreled away out of a back corridor.  With no shoes on.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for liking the dim glamour model, but she seems like a nice girl.

In the big twist, Davina went into the house, whilst wearing Nicola’s chicken costume.  She was giddy with excitement.  Her job was to keep the chicken costume on and not let on who she was.  Vinnie knew straight away that it wasn’t Nicola.

The whole thing seemed extremely sinister.

Day 25:

The tree of temptation told Vinnie that he had to tell Alex that he had once cross-dressed and really loved it.  He then had to make lunch and then get emotional, telling the other housemates that they were more important to him than his friends outside the house.  He didn’t want to do it, but reluctantly agreed to avoid punishments.  Anyway, he did it and it was quite amusing.

In the diary room, Alex seemed genuinely moved by the whole BB experience. It was quite sweet.

The housemates were given their farmyard costumes, which we already know became relevant later.

Ivana is evicted.  Nicola went to the diary room and was replaced by Davina.  The housemates tried to get her chicken head off so they could see who she was.  She did lots of strange mimes, probably because she was freaking out, but she ended up just scaring the housemates.  Why didn’t they just let her talk?  They joke was only funny for about 5 seconds and then it was just mind-blowingly tedious.

Eventually, and I mean eventually, Davina was allowed to take her chicken head off.  And then she immediately left the house.  What was the point of it?  The series seems to be ending with a whimper.

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CBB 2010: Day 23

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment

Nicola said that Stephanie is trying to make her posh.  Big Brother sarcastically asked how that was working out.  Then they asked her to talk posh.  Stop picking on the dim girl, please.

Ivana was asked to go to the diary room.  She was told that she has been nominated for an award by a Scandinavian magazine show, Kugel Fresh, and that she’d be taking part in a live link up, via satellite, to the awards ceremony.   The other housemates were told that it was a completely fictitious award, but they had to convince her that it was real.  As Jonas is Swedish, he had to do the most convincing, but he was a rubbish actor.  He said that the ceremony was held in the same location as the Grammy Awards.

Ivana ‘won’ the award and she had to give a speech.  The other housemates were then told that they had to ruin her moment of glory by telling her that the award was rubbish (it was a glass vase stuck to a bit of wood), drinking from it and then smashing it.  Sadly, the award smashed when Stephanie picked it up, so they didn’t have chance to really get into it all.  They had to resort to getting one of the larger shards and drinking from that.  Stephanie had to go to the diary room as she couldn’t stop laughing.  When she came out, Ivana tried to console her as she was ‘so upset’.  I have a new found respect for Stephanie’s acting talent.

Big Brother announced that it was all a hoax and Ivana seemed to take it on the chin.  As a result, they won a ‘glamorous awards party’.  At the party, each housemate had to reveal a category and choose who they had to give the award to.  Stephanie was upset that Alex gave her the ‘bitchiest housemate’ award.

Jonas sprayed Alex with fake tan.  It’s something that I really didn’t need to see.  But it was extremely funny.  Alex looked like he had been varnished.

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