Team Extreme Versus The Nazis

May 18, 2010 5 Comments

There has been scant information about Team Extreme in the news recently, which has led many of their fans to worry about their whereabouts.  Well, worry yourselves no more.  The chaps have been away on an extremely dangerous mission and I can exclusively reveal an extract from an upcoming novel based on their exploits.  Please enjoy Team Extreme Versus The Nazis:

‘It’s no good,’ said Goot, his pony-tail swinging majestically in the breeze.  ’The firmware on the time machine is completely frazzled.  I’m afraid to say that we’re stuck in 1944.’

‘Woah,’ said POB, pensively stroking his magnificent moustache.  ’Has this been through Change?  I hope you did a backup before you set the space-time coordinates.’  Goot looked decidedly sheepish and POB, the team’s heroic leader, knew that he hadn’t followed the procedures.  There was literally no place in the procedure for this kind of behaviour, but it was no time to dwell on what had gone wrong.  Team Extreme prided itself on not having a blame culture.  POB decisively ordered his men to assume their combat ready positions.  It was good to be prepared for the worst. Normandy was not a good place to be in 1944.  They expected trouble.

JLS, Team Extreme’s newest recruit paced nervously around their makeshift encampment.  It could even be said that he looked at the point of tears.  But don’t mock, this wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.  It was the youngster’s first experience of time-travel and the whole process was not only disorientating, but terrifying, even for the most hardened of combat vets.  Just when he thought he was going to snap, JLS felt a reassuring hand rest firmly on his shoulder.  It was Big Poppa P, who had come to pass on some of his battle-forged wisdom.  In situations like this, words simply weren’t necessary.  Just being able to look into such a ruggedly handsome face with that lustrous mane of hair blowing fearlessly in the French wind was enough to calm the most bilious of stomachs.  JLS managed to eke out a wan smile of thanks.  Big Poppa P just shook his head.  A man such as he did not need thanking.

As the hours passed, the team became increasingly restless.  They were men of action and all of this idleness did not sit well.  Cozzy, the unit’s enforcer, was becoming particularly enraged.  It has been over six hours since his last protein shake and he needed to pump some iron soon, or he would rip someone’s head off.  Luckily, he didn’t have long to wait. Eed, Team Extreme’s communications expert, had managed to intercept some rogue enemy transmissions.  He told the team that a panzer division was heading their way.  And, to make matters worse, it was being led not only by Hitler, himself, but by their arch-enemy, Mr Norris.  The world had never seen such a dastardly duo and it would be a challenge for even Team Extreme to stop them.

This was going to be the battle of a life-time.  Only time would tell how many of them would get out of this alive…

To find out more about Team Extreme, then please click here.

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Waffle

February 16, 2010 16 Comments

I’ve not actually got anything in particular that I want to talk to you about today.  In reality, I should use the opportunity to take a little rest and recharge myself for some kind of life-changing blog post, later in the week.  That isn’t going to happen, I just feel like having a bit of a waffle to you.  I’m so waffly versatile.

Anyway, I’ve got a white shirt on today and it probably shouldn’t be allowed.  I managed to spill orange juice on myself this morning, before I’d even finished eating my breakfast.  It’s like I’ve got a genetic disorder that compels me to be clumsy.  I’m thinking about marketing a range of clothes for clumsy people that are the exact same colour as a whole variety of foods.  This way, you can just match your top to whichever meal or snack you are intending to eat.  I’ll probably go on Dragons’ Den and sell it to those dudes.  I can only imagine that Bannatyne would love it.

I actually had a dream about Bannatyne last week.  I was the dignitary at a football match and was meeting the players.  The captain of the team was Mr Duncan Bannatyne.  He was wearing a suit, not a football kit.  I’m not actually sure that there was even a match going to happen.  Dreams are weird like that.  Anyway, don’t ask to me to try and interpret it.  I’m sure that it means that I’m a bit mental.

I’ve been in a rare Team Extreme team meeting this morning.  It was quite emotional.  I made quite a few sarcastic jokes that I shouted out, Tourettes-style.  I got a few cheap laughs, so I was more than happy with that.  It was almost like being back at school.

On the way back from the meeting, my mate, Si, drove past me.  He then texted me to say that I was looking very sophisticated.  He was right, I was looking very dapper (I still am).  I just feel that someone has to try and look a bit French on the streets of Warrington.  I think it’s going to have to be me.

Anyway, I should probably get going.  It’s been really nice talking to you.  I feel so much better.  Maybe we should do it again some time?

Laterz

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T-Shirt Extreme

December 15, 2009 8 Comments

Team Extreme - Group Shot tee by sherby57. Available from MySoti.com.

Yes, Team Extreme fans, this is not a dream.  You can now purchase your very own Team Extreme t-shirt.  Believe it.

In the unlikely event that you’d actually like to buy one, just click on the picture above.  They cost £12.09 for the cheaper t-shirt or £14.58 for the slightly higher quality one, plus £5 p&p (they’re from the States).  I bought one of the cheaper ones and it’s pretty good.  The printing is like a real t-shirt, not one of those rubbish iron-on transfers.

My t-shirt did take about 5 weeks to arrive – they had a massive backlog and they’re shipping from the US – so please be patient.  Not that I really expect anyone to buy one.

The design is currently only available in a Men’s style t-shirt.  In the even unlikelier event that you want a Ladie’s or Kid’s style – just let me know and I’ll get it sorted.

Here are a couple of photos to whet your appetite:

This strange, unflattering photo is the best one that I could take of myself, whilst wearing the t-shirt.

Stay tuned for more exciting designs!

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MBM – Chicken Drumsticks + News

November 20, 2009 Leave a comment

It’s just not acceptable to only have chicken drumsticks for your dinner.  Are carbohydrates really such a cultural taboo?  Variety is the spice of live, dear chum.  Have a bit of bread today!

This was a very special message that was left specifically for the attention of Team Extreme member JLS.  He appears to have suffered a bout of body dysmorphic disorder and embarked on a reckless protein-only diet.  I’m happy to say that the label has had the desired effect and he’s been back on the Pringles today.

From time to time people become inspired by the milk bottle manifesto and I spotted one such bottle last week:

Just because Project Enterprise can’t make you a brew, it’s no reason to steal our milk!  Anyway – we have all spat in it!

It’s a little aggressive in tone but it’s a first step on the road to milk bottle freedom.  Keep on trying, whoever you may be.

This post was sponsored by the Milk Bottle Manifesto.

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Team Extreme – Friends and Foes

November 4, 2009 8 Comments

Over recent weeks we’ve met all of Team Extreme, and we’ve grown to love them.  That’s not enough for some people and so now it’s time to meet some of the other characters that inhabit their wonderful world.

Hot Toddy

He’s a man of many names and many looks, but we know him simply as ‘Hot Toddy’.  HT was a member of Team Extreme’s predecessor, Team ARB, until he went rogue.  A self-confessed ‘hard bastard’ Hot Toddy loves to eat protein whenever possible.  It is believed that he masquerades as a Christian pianist in his spare time and wears a wonderfully bouffant wig.

Mr Norris

An evil genius and the bane of Team Extreme Mr Norris is a force to be reckoned with.  The ruler of a tiny nation, Wigania, Mr Norris believes himself to be a benevolent dictator as he provides pies, black pudding and tripe to his subjects.  On weekends he likes to wear a cloak and parade around the streets demanding that his subjects kiss his new Hi-Tec trainers – they’re them ones that light up when you’re walking.  He had wanted some of those trainers with wheels in but his mum wouldn’t let him have them.

Andre

Every criminal mastermind needs a loyal henchman and Mr Norris is no exception: meet Andre.  Riding around the canals of Wigania on his golden jet-ski, Andre enforces the draconian legal system with an iron fist and a gentle touch.  On his days off he likes to lounge around friends’ conservatories whilst sipping tea.

TEAM EXTREME EXTRA!

You may remember that a few days ago I revealed JLS’s ultimate fantasy.  Well, we have had a response to this from Goot.  He believes that JLS was trying to appear sophisticated by referencing upmarket restaurant chain Toby Carvery.  In an attempt to uncover the truth, Goot has upgraded the firmware on the fantasy and it has been reconfigured as this:

Goot's Response

It has to be said that Mike & Martha’s is one of Warrington’s premier chippys.  It’s quite delicious.

If you’d like to find out more about Team Extreme then you can do so by reading Part1 and Part2.

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Team Extreme – JLS’s Ultimate Fantasy

November 1, 2009 1 Comment

I think that we can agree that we’re all massive fans of Team Extreme and that we’d like to get to know them better.  In an attempt to do this I set a question to JLS: what is your ultimate fantasy?  He felt he was unable to express this clearly in words, and so created this beautiful work of art:

JLS Fantasy - Goot at the Toby

I’m sure we can all relate to this wonderful dream.  Will we ever go to the Toby Carvery? If we do, will Goot be paying?  We can only hope, dream and pray.

I’d like to thank JLS for sharing his innermost thoughts with the world.  JLS, we salute thee.

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Meet Team Extreme: Part 2

October 27, 2009 22 Comments

Last time we met POB, Hitchers, JLS and Goot, are you ready to now meet the rest of the team? I sure hope so, because we’re going to meet them anyway.

Eed

Code Name: Eed

Special Ability: Can eat crayons

Anytime you need to swing by Woolston, say hello to Eed.  He stands alone in his watchtower, ensuring peace is maintained throughout the land.  Except for when he isn’t there, of course.  He maintains all communications for Team Extreme.

Webbo

Code Name: Webbo

Special Ability: Plays the psychic washboard

Along with Goot, Webbo forms the pony-tailed contingent of the team.  When under immense pressure, they can synchronise their pony-swings to form a devastating attack.

Theo

Code Name: Theo

Special Ability: Electric Boogaloo

With an incisive mind and deadly vegetables, Theo is the team’s natural assassin.  Please don’t confuse him with Theo Huxtable from The Cosby Show; it makes him very angry.

Cozzy

Code Name: Cozzy

Special Ability: Sexual Chocolate

With a cheeky grin and a erotic caravan, Cozzy is the team’s charmer and sexual distributor.  Contrary to the portrait above, he is actually Caucasian; I apologize for any confusion caused by my artistic ineptitude.

BONUS MATERIAL:

Since I already published my portrait, I wasn’t going to include myself in this list, then I realised that this was wrong.  I’m a key member of Team Extreme and so I should be here.  As a treat, I’ve done another portrait of myself, in one of my many chameleon-like disguises.

Big Popppa P

Code Name: Big Poppa P

Special Ability: Too many to mention, but, if I had to pick, an exceptionally fulfilling lover.

With the strength of ten men and the intelligence of fifty, Big Poppa P is the lynch-pin to the success of Team Extreme.  Some critics have suggested that I’m taking advantage of my position as writer of this post to unfairly ‘big myself up’. Those people are idiots; I really am that damned good.


So, now you’ve met the whole of Team Extreme, and you’re probably feeling a little sad that there is no more to come.  Well, don’t panic, my friends, stay tuned for some of the other characters that inhabit the wonderful, wild world of Team Extreme.

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Meet Team Extreme: Part 1

October 22, 2009 15 Comments

Some of you, who remember my self portrait, from a week ago, may be wondering why I created a comic-book style picture of myself.  The truth is that I belong to a covert government team, Team Extreme, who have to perform, err, covert government missions.   At this point, I have obtained permission to introduce to you to other members of the team.  You should be very excited.

POB

Code Name: POB

Special Ability: Map reading

With his magnificent moustache and can-do attitude, POB is the leader of the highly-decorated team.  Often leads the team in to battle with his haunting cry, ‘You’re only as good as your last backup.’

‘ Hitchers

Code Name: Hitchers

Special Ability: Erotic knitting

With a cheeky grin, and a voracious appetite for cheese, Hitchers helps protect the team with his martial arts prowess.  He once claimed that he would never get married.

JLS

Code Name: JLS

Special Ability: Crab-like pincers

JLS is like Team Extreme’s version of Murdock (out of the A-Team).  He’s as mad as a hatter and he’s an excellent pilot.  But, he’s an excellent pilot-light, and cannot fly planes.  It’s of limited use, really, but he does keep the boiler lit.


Goot

Code Name: Goot

Special Ability: Completely wireless

You should not confuse Goot with his evil counterpart, Goot The Crow.   The twins, like yin and yang, have fought their good vs. evil battle for countless millennia.  They should probably just sit down and talk through their issues.  Goot can update the firmware on anything, even things that don’t have firmware.

To meet the rest of the team, please click here.

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