Whatever Happened to my Ten Predictions for 2011?

December 22, 2011 Leave a Comment

So, it’s nearly the end of the year, and time to review the predicitons that I made for 2011, here. Let’s go…

Twitter bots will become so disenfranchised with being ignored that they decide to form their own support group. What starts out as a bit of self-help therapy rapidly descends into full-on cyber-militarisation and the bots stage a coup. The bots’ ultimate goal will be to destroy all human users on Twitter. A plucky resistance movement will be started by @johnconnor, who will successfully re-program a bot and send it back in time in an attempt to quell the uprising before it even began. Luckily, as this occurs entirely online, there are no actual fatalities.

Ok, so I’ll admit that I got this one a tad wrong. But, you know, in some ways, that just makes the prediction more accurate. Yeah?

Apple will surpass their own hype when they surprisingly release the iPad 3 several months before the launch of the iPad 2. New features include the ability to “print” bacon from a special slot and a cup holder.

This one would definitely have happened had it not been for the untimely death of Steve Jobs. Expect to see printed bacon in Q2 of 2012. In HD!

2011 will be the year in which being fat becomes fashionable. This will lead to a spate of “I can make you obese” reality shows in which women are force-fed cake by an over-zealous “fatness instructor”. Many weight-loss groups will be forced to fold due to a lack of membership and the cretins who run them will console themselves by comfort eating. Ironically, this will lead them to become incredibly stylish and they’re offered modelling contracts.

100% correct, big pat on the back to me.

We’ll finally make contact with aliens, who turn out to be a race of peace-loving, scientific explorers bent on helping humankind reach its full potential. The general public tire of them within about 2 weeks when they turn out to be tedious, pompous bores, like the Federation in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

My only mistake in this prediction is that the general public were never informed. The US military were invited by the aliens (hilariously called “The Gonkos”) to spend a long weekend with them on their own planet. They politely declined. Boring, boring bastards.

Scandal will hit the tabloids when it turns out that a two premiership footballers are lovers. The press aren’t so much shocked by their homosexuality, so much as a complete inability to accept that two footballers could actually be faithful to each other.

Sadly, the world of football still isn’t grown-up enough to admit that homosexuality exists. I apologise for giving them too much credit.

Big Foot will finally be captured. It turns out that he’s an accountant called Geoff who got lost when he went camping. He’s delighted to be reunited with his family.

Geoff is doing fine and was delighted to see his family again. He’s currently enjoying some down-time and is the new spokesman for a “Big ‘N Tall” men’s outfitters.

Coca-Cola will invent a new variety of fizzy-muck that has negative calories. It doesn’t take off due to prediction number 3 and is withdrawn from the market by September.

I really wanted this one to come true. It didn’t. Bloody ridiculous.

Internet conspiracy-theorists will realise that they were being stupid and that 9/11 happened just the way that it appeared to. They quickly latch onto the lack of any conspiracy being the ultimate conspiracy and look to reveal its lack of existence through a series of poorly conceived YouTube videos.

I was naive. Very naive.

Susan Boyle reveals herself to actually be Lulu in a Total Recall-style fat suit.

I think we can all remember exactly where we were when this revelation happened. I was at home, sat on the sofa, watching it all on the telly. I kind of liked it when it was Lulu’s head but she still had the Subo body on. I have to admit that it was pretty horny.

Pears will be everywhere.

Damn, it ended u being “pairs” not “pears”. I was so close. So, so close.

All in all, I think I did pretty well.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

Foreigners Eat The Funniest Things #2

November 29, 2011 Leave a Comment

Welcome to the second (and probably final) installment of Foreigners Eat The Funniest Things or, to give it its official title, Foreigners Eat The Funniest Things  2: Norwegians Eat Chocolate Bars With Names That Are Not Familiar To Me.

Let’s begin.

You’re going to eat a…Japp???  Isn’t that, you know, a bit racist?  Hee hee.

Do you love to firk?  Doesn’t that make you a firklover? Hee hee.  It almost sounds a bit rude!

You’re going to eat Cuba??  But…but…that’s a country!!  You must be really hungry. MEGALOLZ!

Do you like creamy bananas? Why not eat a Krembanan, then? They even sort of look like a banana!! Hee hee.

Anyway, I’ve got to go.  My sides have literally just spilt.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Foreigners Eat The Funniest Things #1

November 24, 2011 6 Comments

Team Extreme’s very own JLS found this KRAZY packet whilst on holiday in the U.S. of America:

He he. It tastes of penis.  Foreigners really do eat the funniest things.

Filed under General, Team Extreme Tagged with , , , , , ,

The Shops of Stavanger 2

September 1, 2011 2 Comments

Last year, I published the amazing post The Shops of Stavanger, in which I highlighted some of the hilarious shop signs in Stavanger.  However, there was one sign that escaped from the clutches of my camera (if you can imagine such a thing).  Well, being the big sign hunter that I am, I returned to Norway this year, specifically to snare this nefarious frontage for display on my bloggage.

Here it is:

You’re gorgeous, but what’s with the hair?

Now that’s how you name a salon. Congratulations to everyone involved.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , ,

Gary Barlow’s X Factor Video Diary 1

August 20, 2011 Leave a Comment

Filed under General Tagged with , , ,

Pretty Vacant

July 25, 2011 6 Comments

I’ve got nothing in particular to say today, so I’m going to write this.

Intriguingly, my really inconsequential posts often get more hits than my “substantial” ones. I’ll be honest, that’s a little bit depressing. Not only does it kind of negate any effort that I put into writing, but it suggests that I’m at my most interesting when I’m being most vacant.

For example, at present my heartfelt exploration of my 8th stand up gig is less popular than a photo of a charity shop window. Why do I even bother?

Anyway, this is is a post about not much, so it will probably get loads of hits. Unless it doesn’t, in which case it won’t. We’ll see what happens.

Filed under General Tagged with ,

Penny Jar

July 12, 2011 2 Comments

Nothing is safe these days.

We’ve got a penny jar in the office, saving up to buy biscuits\sweets\team treats.  Incredibly, this was pilfered from.  You might wonder how I know this. It’s because it was wholesale plundered; the jar was about half full and now it’s only a quarter full.  What sort of person robs from a penny jar? How do you take so much loose change without jingling your way into the long arms of the law? It’s a mystery.

As a precaution, the jar has now been installed with a number of security features:

The imposing figure of Hulk Hogan stands astride the top of the jar, daring any potential thieves to incur his wrath.  Surely nobody would be so stupid.

Note the “DO NOT STEAL” banner around the rim of the lid.  This is just to clarify that the jar is not fair game.

This tub is monitored by 24 x 7 CCTV.

It’s not, but don’t tell them that.

WARNING!

Trespassers WILL be prosecuted.

This bit is true.

If you’re the person that stole from this jar…you really need to take a look at your life.

This is an attempt at rehabilitation.  I’m a very, very clever psychologist.

Let’s hope that these measures will be sufficient.  We can but pray.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Garden Sitting

July 3, 2011 2 Comments

I love the summer. I love it when it’s hot. I love it when it’s sunny.

I hate sitting in my garden.

I offer no defence for my irrational loathing of this inherently pleasant pursuit. My best explanation for my hatred is: “what the fuck would I want to sit in my garden for?” That hardly suffices as a considered argument, does it?

This isn’t a new thing brought on by the grumpiness of my advancing years. I’ve always thought it sucks. Oh, I like being outside, enjoying the sunshine, but in a back garden? Thanks, but no thanks.

Anyway, my illogical antipathy has lead to this situation:

20110703-175919.jpg

And this:

20110703-180009.jpg

Now, rest assured, I’m not a maniac and even I have my limits. Those photos were taken yesterday and the jungle was tackled with barely concealed contempt.

My point is this: does anybody know where I can buy some cheap flag stones?

Filed under General Tagged with , , ,

How Did You Get Here?

June 24, 2011 Leave a Comment

Francis Rossi on stage with Quo at the Colston...

Image via Wikipedia

One of the great features of having a WordPress blog is that it tells you what people searched for in order to end up on your site.  I’m going to take a look at some of my favourite search terms from over the years.  They’re very intriguing.

francis rossi traitor:

Post this search leads to – Francis Rossi – Traitor?

What’s the post about – The confusion and hurt felt by the members of the PTC (Pony Tail Club) when Mr Rossi snipped his PT off.

Reason why I like it – Because someone searched for Francis Rossi being a traitor.  It’s quite funny, isn’t it?

cheeky chappy shaun costello:

Post this search leads to - Wall of Wonder

What’s the post about - A photo of all the stuff I had stuck on the wall next to my desk in work.  This is accompanied by a key explaining what all the items are.

Reason why I like it - I love this post because it’s a reminder of the wonderful wall I had and all the hilarious things that I stuck on it.  It’s one of my favourite posts of all time.  Also, I love the fact that someone actually searched for the phrase “cheeky chappy shaun costello” as it’s so unlikely.  To be honest, it’s so unlikely that it was probably me that searched for it and I’ve forgotten.

chilli & cranberry hair gel:

Post this search leads to - Blumen’ Marvellous

What’s the post about - An incredibly clever satire on a Heston Blumenthal type meal as created by infamous Warringtonian Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow.

Reason why I like it - I made up chilli & cranberry hair gel as a wacky non-existent product, and yet someone wants to use it for real.

100 good reasons why to pour stuff on somebody:

Post this search leads to - ?

What’s the post about - I think it just leads to my home page or something.

Reason why I like it - Why is this person looking for reasons to pour stuff on somebody? Why are they so vague about what it is that they want to pour down somebody?  It’s all a little bit sinister.  Are they trying to justify a fetish to a partner?  Why do they need 100 reasons? Wouldn’t a few be sufficient? I’m very intrigued.

the pompidou centre – functionalist dreamscape or postmodern eyesore?:

Post this search leads to - n\a

What’s the post about - I think it was something I said on Twitter, which temporarily shows up on my blog.

Reason why I like it - It’s a quote from Paul Calf’s Video Diary.  I’m in no way taking credit for it.  It’s just one of my favourite programmes ever and it’s nice to be associated with it, even in the loosest and most plagiaristic of ways.

lady sovereign extra teeth:

Post this search leads to - Home page

What’s the post about - Weirdly, if you search for this phrase in google, my home page is the first result. Since I haven’t mentioned Lady Sovereign since she appeared in Celebrity Big Brother I don’t understand how this can be.  Also, if you search for the phrase within the blog, then it returns no results. Weird.

Reason why I like it - Haha, she’s got extra teeth, innit?

“i love chips”:

Post this search leads to - MBM – Chips

What’s the post about - It’s a milk bottle with a label on it which reads: “I love chips.”

Reason why I like it - I just really, really love chips.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

“gravy loving fundamentalists”:

Post this search leads to - Holy Gravy?

What’s the post about - When I transferred PSGOM from Blogger to WordPress, the redirection didn’t work properly and you ended up on some weird Bible site.

Reason why I like it - Who could fail to be charmed by the idea of a group of religious zealots who just love gravy?

in the world war 1 did people pour gravy down their legs?:

Post this search leads to -?

What’s the post about - ?

Reason why I like it - Well, it’s easy to understand where this question was coming from.  For the record (if you’re the person who asked this question), during World War 2 there were shortages of stockings, so women would rub gravy browning on their legs to give the appearance of hosiery.  What they didn’t do was get a gravy boat, full of the delicious brown stuff, and pour it wholesale all over themselves.  You’re an inadvertent pervert.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Old About Gravy

June 22, 2011 Leave a Comment

I’ve recently updated the “About” page on the blog, but I couldn’t bear to see the old post disappear into obscurity, so here it is.  It’s a little bit out of date, so forgive me. Why not follow the link above and check out the new version.

Portrait of Samuel Pepys, engraved for the sec...

Image via Wikipedia

So, what is this blog about, and why am I writing it?

The somewhat deluded answer to why I am writing the blog is that I think I’m going to be discovered and be proclaimed the Samuel Pepys of the twenty-first century, at which point someone will offer me oodles of cash to write for a living.

Luckily, I’m only deluded for part of the time.

The actual answer is slightly more mundane.  I’ve always wanted to be able to write for a living, but unfortunately I suffer from a terrible affliction: I’m a lifelong ‘quitter’.  In the words of Billy Ocean, when the going gets tough, Steven gets going. For many years, I just sat around and thought about writing. I had plenty of ideas for stories but since they stayed firmly within my brain, then they didn’t really count.  I eventually took a step forward in 2002 when I bought myself a notebook in order to at least make a token gesture towards writing.  This worked, up to a point, but, with six-month gaps between entries, any momentum I gained was pretty much killed right away.  I also started two novels in this period, and both sadly fell by the wayside.

I got around to starting my own blog in May 2007, the wonderful (if I may say so), The World Of Sherby57.  It’s not what I would call a normal blog; rather than talk about things that interest me, it tends to be a collection of weird and surreal ideas, that are effectively private jokes with myself.  I enjoy writing for Sherby57 immensely, but stream of consciousness nonsense doesn’t necessarily lead to very disciplined writing.

As time went on, I felt that I should challenge myself and try and write about some ‘real’ things.  I started to play with the idea of writing about topics of interest to me, rather than just express whatever gibberish floats off the top of my head.  Since I didn’t really want to change the tone of the other blog, then I decided to create Pour Some Gravy On Me.  Having got as far as my ‘about page’, you should have noticed that it is a somewhat more conventional blog.

PSGOM was created originally on Blogger in November 2008, but after a 4 month hiatus of both blogs between January and May 2009, I decided it was time to get Gravy over to WordPress and start afresh.  I say afresh, but all the older entries came along with me.

I’m quite open to writing about anything on here, but usual topics include television, football (particularly Liverpool FC), and reading.  I’ve written a disturbingly large amount of posts to do with reality TV, which makes me deeply question my lifestyle choices.  There is also a campaign to brighten up fridges in offices up and down the land with my Milk Bottle Manifesto.

Now, at this point, there is a good chance that you will be shouting at the screen, ‘Yes, but Steven, where the hell does the name “Pour Some Gravy On Me” come from?’  Well, just calm down a minute, and I’ll tell you.  The original name that I came up with was ‘An Audience of None’, for pretty self explanatory reasons.  Sadly (but maybe fortunately), this name was already taken, and I had to think something up on the fly.  In search of a title that was at least vaguely memorable, I searched Sherby57 for ideas.  I’m sure that you are way ahead of me as I tell you that one of the posts was called: Pour Some Gravy On Me

This was based on a story I heard, where someone thought it was extremely posh that someone they knew didn’t know what gravy was. Personally, I’d call it a sign of stupidity, but then, I really am a massive oik, and what would I know?  The title was just a play on the song title, ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’, by poodle haired Yarkshiremen Def Leppard. I was pretty pleased with my creativity until, since the creation of PSGOM, I googled it and found that some had put this on Youtube:

A YouTube clip used to be here… I don’t know where it’s gone.
And that should tell you pretty much all you need to know.  I hope you stick around and have a read of my posts, and, if you’re feeling frisky, maybe leave a comment or two.

Keep drinking that gravy,

Ste

P.s.

This page always got far more hits that I would have imagined. I don’t know if that was because people genuinely wanted to find out “about” me, or whether there was some specific content that brought them to it.  If you find yourself on this page, please leave a comment and let me know why.  I’m very curious.

Filed under General Tagged with , , , , , ,

← Older posts

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 207 other followers