Bobby’s Onion Rings Controversy

January 27, 2012 1 Comment

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about Bobby or any of his delicious snacks.  Far too long.  In my quest for all things Bobby, I had a quick google yesterday and came across this startling Youtube clip about Bobby’s Onion Rings.

Who is this Bobby loving maverick? This video was posted almost 4 years ago, so how is it only coming to light now?  Is it related to the infamous “Snaxgate” debacle?  His claims that the extra 6 pence generated by Bobby’s generous price-cuts will cut through the material in his cheap Asda jeans seems frivolous at best.  Isn’t he taking Bobby and his snacks seriously?? And why claim that Bobby’s helpers won’t respond to his e-mails when they are clearly the most kind, wonderful people in Christendom? It all smells a bit fishy to me.  And I don’t mean the delicious smell given off by Bobby’s Prawn Cocktail Spirals.

If anyone can shed any light on the origins of this video then I’d be eternally grateful.

 

 

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Gamestec’s Find Five Gameshow

October 13, 2011 2 Comments

My fight for consumer rights continues with another well placed complaining e-mail:

Dear Gamestec,

I feel compelled to write to you with regards to an incident that occurred last night (the evening of the 29th September 2011) in the Bear’s Paw public house, Frodsham.

I was enjoying a pleasant evening in the company of my friend Joanne and we happened upon one of your marvellous “quiz machines”.

Now, let me state this right from the off, we’re massive fans of your machines and have played them on many occasions. Sure, we realise that they are inherently unfair and that the risk\reward ratio is swung so heavily in your favour that it’s laughable. In many ways, that’s all part of the charm. We’re happy to plough pound coin after pound coin (we’ve not yet resorted to the notes slot, we’re not animals) as we gain enjoyment from playing the quizzes and are complicit in the agreement that this service must be paid for.

We like to sample many of the games on your wondrous devices, so imagine our delight when he happened upon one that we’d never seen before: “Find Five”.

Let me recap the rules: You are presented with a grid of answers and have to find the five correct answers for any particular question. You progress up a ladder with each subsequent round of “Find Five” and periodically you are given the opportunity to win a prize.

The prize rounds consists of a grid of 16 squares distributed between “Prize”, “Continue” and “Game Over” and you have to stop on a “Prize” square when it’s highlighted. Now, we understand the deal here. It’s almost impossible to land on “Prize” fairly. You have to have press “stop” before the square you want to land on is highlighted. Sure, you could learn the pattern of movement – assuming it’s not random – but the time periods involved are too short to do this.

We managed to hit “continue” each time. Clearly it is designed so that “continue” always follows “prize” to lull you into a bit of false hope that you might win. But that’s fine. We know the rules when it comes to quiz machines.

But, imagine our excitement as we climbed higher and higher up the ladder. Soon, we found ourselves on the last question – a particularly tricky Rocky conundrum – and miraculously we succeeded. We had reached the elusive “top prize”.

The horror. The top prize game consisted of 1 “prize” square and 15 “game over” squares. Inevitably, we did not win the prize.

And that was that. No second chance. No “here’s a pound for doing so well”. No nothing. It was nothing less than traumatising. How could you do this to us?

Please, please Mr Gamestec, please tell us that this is an anomaly. Your quiz machines may never seem the same again.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, I’ve had no reply.

The tragedy becomes all the more tragic when you take a look at the Find Five Gameshow’s leaderboard:

We’d nigh on doubled the next best score.  Did we truly deserve to walk away from such a Herculean effort empty-handed? I think not.

Shame on you, Mr Gamestec.

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Bobby’s Pork Crunch – An Apology

October 7, 2011 3 Comments

You may remember a recent post in which I gave something of a harsh review of Bobby’s Pork Crunch.  If you can’t remember this, please click here.

I recently received an e-mail from one of Bobby’s representatives regarding this post, and it was highly disturbing.  I am unable to reproduce the content of the message, due to legal restrictions, but I’m happy to publish my reply.

Dearest J*****,
I write to you today with a heart so full of confused and conflicted emotions, that I fear I may pass out.  Imagine my delight when I saw an unsolicited e-mail from your good self, and the way that my heart soared when I read that you had been reading my blog.  Oh, Jenny.  If only I had stopped reading there, then my life may have been complete.
Instead, I continued.
I cannot hope to convey in mere words the horror I felt as I completed your missive.  If you imagine the face of a really upset man, screaming, then you have only a fraction of my anguish within your precious mind.  Alas, the very packet that threatens to come between us has been discarded, and, as such, I am unable to retrieve the information you so kindly asked for.
Let me sincerely apologise for my blog post.  I am inherently prejudiced against pork-based snacks in all their forms, due to a taste-based disagreement.  I allowed my personal feelings on this porcine delicacies to colour my opinions with a disturbing lack of objectivity.  I’m sure you are aware of what a massive fan I am of Bobby and his snacks and the thought of causing him any personal distress is wrenching my heart with the force of a hurricane.  The thought of Bobby, in his custom-made bed made to look like one of his snacks, unsuccessfully attempting to weep himself to sleep makes me so sad that I fear the corners of my mouth might fall off the bottom of my chin.
Rest assured, that the worst case scenario is that this was a rogue batch of snacks – quite possibly tampered with by a jealous competitor.
I only hope that this e-mail can go some way to mending our faltering relationship.
Yours in perpetuity,
Steven

Can I just take this opportunity to reiterate my sincerest apologies for any distress caused to Bobby and his clan.

I love you Bobby.

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The Asdas Muffin Scandal

September 28, 2011 Leave a Comment

SmartPrice Logo

Image via Wikipedia

My consumer crusade continues:

Dear The Asdas,

There has been something of a mystery within your Warrington Cockhedge superstore and it’s pricing policy vis a vis “muffins”.

Myself, my colleagues and myself have recently been taking advantage of, what we can only describe as, the bragain price of £1 (sterling) for 4 of your delicious muffins.

Consider our surprise when on Monday of this week, we discovered that the said muffin-packs were now subject of a “roll-back” offer to the less-than-bargain price of £1.40. Indeed, the offer suggested that the original price was £1.58! What manner of wizardry is this, I hear you cry?

To add literal insult to metaphysical injury, today (Thursday), just three days after the roll-back “offer” had been introduced, we discover that the said “offer” had been removed. £1.58 for 4 muffins? Are we suddenly living in some kind of dystopian future?

Is there an explanation for this seeming skullduggery? I’m a loyal and proud customer of The Asdas and cannot bear for my shopping experience to be tarnished thusly.

Yours sincerely,

Steven “Asda” Price.

I’m sure you will agree that this is quite the serious matter.  I received the following reply from an Asda representative:

Hello Steven,

Thanks for your email about the muffins which you have been looking to purchase from our Warrington store.

I am sorry to learn of your disappointment as you have found the price of the muffins to have varied so much recently. We are committed towards offering the lowest possible prices, so we would not want to create any confusion to you or your colleagues.

We work hard to keep offering the cheapest prices for the best products. Occasionally, a product price may increase substantially. This happens when the supplier costs have increased and when we are no longer able to maintain the original price of the product. When this happens we look to introduce a ‘Rollback’ to prevent the price impacting our customers too much. This will explain why the price was quickly reduced to £1.40.

‘Rollback’ offers are not permanent and may end at any time. I agree three days is a very short amount of time to have a promotional offer. However, our Buying Team are working hard to reduce the price at the next opportunity. I am confident you will be happy with any future price changes.

We would not want your shopping experience to be tarnished, so I hope my explanation has clarified this matter for you. We do value your loyal custom, and we would still like to welcome you back into the store again. Whilst I appreciate this would have been a disappointing experience for you, I hope my response has gone someway towards restoring your faith in Asda.

Once again, thank you for contacting Asda. If there is anything else I can do to help, please let me know.

Kind regards

***** *******

Hmmmm.  I don’t find this a satisfactory explanation in the slightest.  Despite the representative’s best efforts, there seems to be no acknowledgement of the original £1 pricing.  It’s a good job for The Asdas that my love is deep or we could be looking at a very messy (metaphorical) divorce.  I would reply to the e-mail to demand further information, but it states:

Please do not reply to this email. This is not a monitored inbox and you may not receive a reply.

Like yesterday’s issues with Carphone Warehouse, companies now seem determined to make it difficult to achieve satisfaction.  How long before the people of Britain rise up against this slack tyranny?

I give it 3 days max.

 

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Carphone Warehouse – Unable to Complain

September 27, 2011 4 Comments

I had planned to send one of my scathing consumer affairs e-mails today, based on the following package:

 Just For You.

Thank you for being our customer.  We know everyone loves chocolate, so here’s a little gift to show our appreciation.

The e-mail would have gone something like this:

Dear Mr Carphone-Warehouse

I am writing to you on behalf of my girlfriend.  Yesterday, she received a package (through the post) from yourself.  It was emblazoned with the slogan: “JUST FOR YOU”.  Filled with a heady mixture of excitetude and intriguedeness, she hastily opened the cardboard vessel.  I was not present at this cataclysmic event, but, being a man of sufficient imagination, I have re-lived the look of abject terror that afflicted her otherwise placid countenance.   Within the parcel lay a bar of chocolate.

Not only thus, but, indeed, another slogan emblazoned the interior, screaming “everyone loves chocolate”.  Oh, how wrong you are.  Not everyone loves chocolate, at all. Indubitably, my fair maiden does not indeed “love” chocolate, nor even like it.  As such, I have these specific three complaints:

  • How DARE you generalise the entire populace to such a degree! It is bordering on racism.
  • How DARE you send confectionary to my beloved.  Are you clumsily attempting to “get off” with “my bird”?
  • Are you a feeder? Are you trying to make her so fat that she has no choice but to live in an especially enlargened house and be beholden to your services FOREVER??

You, Sir, are a fiend.

Yours,

Sherby57.

p.s.

I LOVE chocolate.  Your choice of the Lindt Excellence “Extra Creamy” is simply superb.  It’s amazing that I didn’t stuff it all into my face at once.

I headed over to the complaints section of the Carphone Warehouse web-site and was horrified to discover that in order to make a complaint that I need to submit:

  • Name
  • E-mail address
  • First line of address
  • Postcode
  • Telephone Number
  • Security Question: “What is the name of your bank used for direct debit?” OR “What is the make and model of your mobile phone?”

Call me cynical, but they appear to be harvesting data even as part of their complaints process.  To make matters worse, the COMPLAINTS FORM contains a tick box for “Tick the box if you’d like us to contact you with offers and info including our monthly eNewsletter.”  ON THE COMPLAINTS FORM!!

Suffice to say, I did not fill this form in, but I share the complaint with your goodselves.  May God have mercy on my soul.

 

 

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Bobby’s Pork Crunch

September 26, 2011 5 Comments

Regular readers will know all about my love for Bobby and his snacks (Bobby’s Snacks), so it’s with a heavy heart that I bring you this review of “Bobby’s Pork Crunch”.

Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, I must confess my hatred of all pork scratching type snacks.  I believe them to be morally wrong and would be quite happy to start a political party whose sole aim was to eradicate all pig skin related food-products.  It’s like those idiots who believe “crackling” to be a treat.  They’re sick, sick bastards and should probably be slung into some kind of gulag.

As such, I’m probably not the best person to review Bobby’s “Light & Crispy” snack.  To provide a degree of impartiality, I drafted in Team Extreme’s Hitchers to adjudicate.  His credentials, when it comes to horrible meat based foods, are second to none.  His favourite food is the “breast of lamb” (see here) and he believe the best part of a lamb chop to be the fat (yes, he really does).   If anyone was going to give the Pork Crunch – with it’s bold slogan “You’ve just GOT to eat the LOT!” – a chance, then it would be Hitchers.

His verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

Intriguing.  If Hitchers thought them inedible, there was a chance that I would find them to be delicious! I had to fight my inherent prejudices and popped one of the crunchy snacks into my hesitant mouth.

My verdict could be summed up in a word: “Disgusting.”

They tasted like paint mixed with dead pig and there were remnants of the snack lingering in my gob for what felt like days.  It was, frankly, horrific.  Sorry, Bobby, but it appears you’re not infallible after all.

I’m crushed.

 

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#Snaxgate – Mini Update 2

July 19, 2011 2 Comments

Yesterday, I reported that google lied about the results of a “snaxgate” search.  Well, I’ve tried again today – see above – and you can see that it’s now showing the correct results.  Is this a coincidence?  Clearly not.

The Illuminati have tinkered with Google so as not to appear suspicious.  It’s the only explanation.

Am I the only person to believe that the News Of The Word phone hacking scandal has happened merely to distract the public from the true outrage that’s happening to Bobby’s Snacks?  I won’t rest until the truth is out there.

 

 

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#Snaxgate – Mini Update

July 18, 2011 1 Comment

I had hoped to take a break from Snaxgate today; the burden of being the only media outlet covering this epic story is really starting to take its toll. However, I cannot stay quiet when new evidence comes to light.

Earlier today, I googled “snaxgate” and this is what I discovered:

20110718-200508.jpg

Hmmmm, very suspicious. I’m clearly searching for Snaxgate, and yet Google chooses not to show me those results and instead displays results for the clearly fictitious “saxgate”. Why would they do this?

They wouldn’t. The Illuminati would.

When are the government going to intervene in this matter?

Poor Bobby.

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Fox’s Crinkles Butter Biscuits

July 18, 2011 2 Comments

I’d like to take time out from the ongoing Snaxgate saga to bring you news of Fox’s biscuits.  I was recently enjoying a Crinkles Butter biscuit and noticed some interesting points on the packaging.  I immediately e-mailed them to voice my concerns:

Hi Caroline

(Incidentally, did you know that your e-mail address has been misspelt as “Careline” – very sloppy work by your IT department).

Just wanted to say hello and say how much I was enjoying your Crinkles butter biscuits. Quite, quite breathtaking in taste and texture.

There were just a couple of points that I wanted to make:

1) I commend your packaging for making clear “Biscuits shown are not actual size”. I can’t count the times that I’ve been fooled by packaging on the size of biscuits. It’s led to much heartache.

2) Your packaging states: “Surprisingly little has changed in over 150 years.” This is a little misleading. Have you forgotten about things like: cars, computers, planes, mobile phones, spacehoppers and Haribo? Loads of things have changed in 150 years. You might want to consider changing this before some history buff decides to sue you.

Thanks for your biscuits,

Steven

I received a reply, but not from Caroline….

Dear Steven,

Thank you for contacting us about our Butter Crinkles. Fox’s Biscuits has a very long tradition of baking high quality products and we are proud of our quality standards.
We thank you for taking the trouble to pass on your views and comments. We will forward them to the relevant production departments and hope that we can rely on your continued support in the future.

Yours sincerely,

J*** L*****
Consumer Care

My heart literally sang with joy upon reading this.  I hastily composed a reply:

Hi J***

Rest assured, you will be able to rely upon my unwavering support for now and ever more – just as long as you continue to manufacture biscuits of the utmost dishliciousness. I may celebrate our union with a Crinkles Butter biscuit – of course!!

Yours
Steven

I’m still a bit worried that they’re going to get sued, though.

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#Snaxgate – The Conspiracy Deepens

July 17, 2011 1 Comment

My investigations into the whole Snaxgate conspiracy have unearthed the following YouTube video. What does it mean? Who is the mysterious whistleblower? What does he actually know? Whose whistle is he attempting to blow? This is starting to get very sinister…

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