Bobby’s Pork Crunch – An Apology

You may remember a recent post in which I gave something of a harsh review of Bobby’s Pork Crunch.  If you can’t remember this, please click here.

I recently received an e-mail from one of Bobby’s representatives regarding this post, and it was highly disturbing.  I am unable to reproduce the content of the message, due to legal restrictions, but I’m happy to publish my reply.

Dearest J*****,

I write to you today with a heart so full of confused and conflicted emotions, that I fear I may pass out.  Imagine my delight when I saw an unsolicited e-mail from your good self, and the way that my heart soared when I read that you had been reading my blog.  Oh, Jenny.  If only I had stopped reading there, then my life may have been complete.

Instead, I continued.

I cannot hope to convey in mere words the horror I felt as I completed your missive.  If you imagine the face of a really upset man, screaming, then you have only a fraction of my anguish within your precious mind.  Alas, the very packet that threatens to come between us has been discarded, and, as such, I am unable to retrieve the information you so kindly asked for.

Let me sincerely apologise for my blog post.  I am inherently prejudiced against pork-based snacks in all their forms, due to a taste-based disagreement.  I allowed my personal feelings on this porcine delicacies to colour my opinions with a disturbing lack of objectivity.  I’m sure you are aware of what a massive fan I am of Bobby and his snacks and the thought of causing him any personal distress is wrenching my heart with the force of a hurricane.  The thought of Bobby, in his custom-made bed made to look like one of his snacks, unsuccessfully attempting to weep himself to sleep makes me so sad that I fear the corners of my mouth might fall off the bottom of my chin.

Rest assured, that the worst case scenario is that this was a rogue batch of snacks – quite possibly tampered with by a jealous competitor.

I only hope that this e-mail can go some way to mending our faltering relationship.

Yours in perpetuity,

Steven

Can I just take this opportunity to reiterate my sincerest apologies for any distress caused to Bobby and his clan.

I love you Bobby.