Ten Predictions for 2011

1. Twitter bots will become so disenfranchised with being ignored that they decide to form their own support group. What starts out as a bit of self-help therapy rapidly descends into full-on cyber-militarisation and the bots stage a coup. The bots’ ultimate goal will be to destroy all human users on Twitter.  A plucky resistance movement will be started by @johnconnor, who will successfully re-program a bot and send it back in time in an attempt to quell the uprising before it even began.  Luckily, as this occurs entirely online, there are no actual fatalities.
2. Apple will surpass their own hype when they surprisingly release the iPad 3 several months before the launch of the iPad 2.  New features include the ability to “print” bacon from a special slot and a cup holder.
3. 2011 will be the year in which being fat becomes fashionable.  This will lead to a spate of “I can make you obese” reality shows in which women are force-fed cake by an over-zealous “fatness instructor”.  Many weight-loss groups will be forced to fold due to a lack of membership and the cretins who run them will console themselves by comfort eating.  Ironically, this will lead them to become incredibly stylish and they’re offered modelling contracts.
4. We’ll finally make contact with aliens, who turn out to be a race of peace-loving, scientific explorers bent on helping humankind reach its full potential.  The general public tire of them within about 2 weeks when they turn out to be tedious, pompous bores, like the Federation in Star Trek: The Next Generation.
5. Scandal will hit the tabloids when it turns out that a two premiership footballers are lovers.  The press aren’t so much shocked by their homosexuality, so much as a complete inability to accept that two footballers could actually be faithful to each other.
6. Big Foot will finally be captured.  It turns out that he’s an accountant called Geoff who got lost when he went camping.  He’s delighted to be reunited with his family.
7. Coca-Cola will invent a new variety of fizzy-muck that has negative calories. It doesn’t take off due to prediction number 3 and is withdrawn from the market by September.
8. Internet conspiracy-theorists will realise that they were being stupid and that 9/11 happened just the way that it appeared to.  They quickly latch onto the lack of any conspiracy being the ultimate conspiracy and look to reveal its lack of existence through a series of poorly conceived YouTube videos.
9. Susan Boyle reveals herself to actually be Lulu in a Total Recall-style fat suit.
10. Pears will be everywhere.