CBB 2010: In They Go

I thought it would be only right and proper for me to blog about Celebrity Big Brother.  It may be the most mental programme on TV, and so let’s all bask in this final series.  Unless we get bored.

I’ve heard the odd rumour about who is going in, but I don’t know any for sure.  I’m going to write about tonight’s first episode as I watch it, so please forgive any mistakes.  Let’s get on with the show.

Gosh, Davina had extremely tight pants on.

First into the house was Stephen Baldwin.  Who is one of the Baldwins: Alec, Daniel, Stephen and, err, Mike.  Oh great, he’s a right-wing Christian nut.  I want him out already.

There’s a lot of fast forwarding going on tonight, so I might miss something.

Next comes ‘Nicola T’ who is apparently some kind of glamour model.  I’ve never seen her before, but, of course, I never look at Page 3.  She is apparently releasing a single which features Coolio – exciting.  She managed to dressed both demurely and a bit slutty, which is really some achievement.  She looks a bit like Lucie out of the X Factor.

Hopefully someone will come in soon that I have an opinion on.

Alex Reid is next, who is a cross-dressing cage fighter.  He is most famous for going out with Jordan.  Do we really need to have more excuses to have her in the tabloids?  Slightly depressing.

Stephanie Beacham.  Well, at least I’ve heard of her.  And she had a fling with Ken Barlow, which is quite amusing.

Lady Sovereign is chavtastic.   Davina really built up how successful her career is, but it makes you question why she is coming on to Big Brother.  She seems to be a ridiculous little character and so is a potential winner.  She introduced herself to someone by saying, ‘what’s up, big man?’  Instant legend.

His name is Sisqo and he loves thongs.  Fair play to the lad.  Omg, he entered the house by performing The Thong Song.  He is already my favourite, the nutter.

Dane Bowers.  Lollage and roffles.  A comedy legend enters the house.

Heidi Fleiss, the ‘Hollywood Madam’.   Yawn.  She looks like Alice Cooper without the make-up.

Jonas Altberg aka Basshunter.  A Swede who has committed crime after crime against music.  He does have a comedy Hans Klaussner style accent though, which is fun.  He also went in to the house wearing a velvet dinner jacket, which means that he either has a sense of humour or is a tit.  Either way, it makes him a potentially great housemate.

Katia Ivanova is 21, from Kazakhstan and went out with ageing rocker Ronnie Wood.  How long is it before someone does a Borat impression to her?  She looks like she’s just been dragged in off the street to make up the numbers.  She doesn’t have a Borat-style accent, disappointingly.

Lollage and Roffles, the twin poodles of mirth, are in full effect as Vinnie ‘The Sphinx’ Jones enters the house.

‘Are you LA?’ asks Stephanie.  No comment.

And that’s all the housemates revealed.  I thought that they were saving a couple of good ones until the end.  Oh well.

They’re instantly given an ‘icebreaker’ task.  They have to play ‘how many celebrities can you fit in a mini?’  They had 5 minutes to get all of them in it.  Dane, Sisqo and Sov decided that sitting in the boot counted as being ‘in the car’.  They were obviously wrong and had to try and squeeze in.   They managed to do it really quickly, so the 5 minutes seemed a bit ridiculous.

And that was that.  Let the mayhem begin.